Ask Amy: We didn't tell everyone immediately and now they're mad

[movingfinger]

Dear Amy: My wife and I just welcomed a baby girl into our lives a few days ago, and we are overjoyed. The delivery was successful with no complications, and the baby is very healthy, but my wife's labor was long and very painful. It will take months for her to recover.

Because it was such an ordeal, during our hospital stay we decided it would be best not to share our happy news until we were home and settled.

However, when I did break the news to my family — my mother in particular — the response was not joy but deep hurt that they were being told the news after the fact.

From her perspective, I have no excuse for not calling or sending a text immediately upon the baby's arrival.

Was I wrong to wait? How do I convey to my family that it was my decision based on how intense our situation was in the hospital, and not a deliberate act of leaving them out?

Distraught New Dad

Distraught New Dad: Congratulations on the arrival of your new baby. Now it’s time to Dad-up and admit that you may have blown it with your folks.

This is a huge and momentous event for you and your wife. It’s also a huge event for the people who love you. Grandparents feel honored when they are notified immediately following a birth and can feel equally disrespected and left out when they are not.

Unless doing so would seriously compromise your wife’s right to medical privacy, once she was out of the woods, I assume you could have found a moment to text your folks from the hospital: “Baby Sarah was born! We are ecstatic but it was a long and tough delivery. I’ll give you a call and send pictures once we get home and settled.”

Your “excuse” in not doing so is that you and your wife jointly decided not to notify your family members. As parents and partners, this was your choice — not an excuse — and you don’t need to justify it. As a parent, one of your jobs now is to find ways to manage your various relationships. This is just the beginning.

Send your folks updates (include pictures), and assume that your mother will come around. She’ll have to, because she now has a new baby granddaughter to love.

Comments

[lilysea]

I'm on team Dad - it sounds like they didn't share sooner because they weren't up to surprise hospital visits. Which is fair.

[ashbet]

Yeah, I'm reading this as "We weren't up to dealing with the husband's family's boundary-trampling until we got home from the hospital," particularly the concern that the grandparents would take it upon themselves to visit.

A long, painful, requires-months-to-heal delivery is the kind of thing where "surprise" visitors can be very unwelcome and counterproductive, and being exhausted afterward and wanting to rest and bond with your new baby is completely reasonable!

The letter may have been cut down for length, but I think it's pretty clearly implied that the reason they waited to notify the grandparents was so that they could get through the delivery/first hours of recovery without dealing with other people being physically present or aggrieved that they weren't invited.

[movingfinger]

Amy is wrong. They did not "blow" anything.

The "deep hurt" and "no excuse for not calling or sending a text immediately" reactions completely justify the LW and his wife's dealing with the difficult labor and birth privately.

[conuly]

Yup. And the comments at arcamax are all "But LW didn't say they were difficult!" and I'm - do they have to? Obvs their parents are difficult, look how they're acting!

[movingfinger]

Non-difficult parents say "Oh, my, I hope you're both holding up, we're dropping off a chicken pot pie and some soup and a big packet of the fancy newborn diapers. Leave the laundry in a bag at the front door."

[conuly]

Or, at most "I wish you'd told us right away! Still, I'm sure the baby's adorable, send us some pics!!!!!"

[watersword]

For real. Priorities here: (1) health of baby and birthing parent, (2) health of non-birthing parent, (VERY DISTANT 3) LITERALLY ANYONE ELSE. I hope these parents have a great and supportive friend group.

[fox]

My own labor and delivery was a long process - mainly uneventful, as we were induced and it took ages for the baby to agree to be coaxed out at all, but long indeed - and because we were so bored and impatient, we genuinely didn't realize (a) that and (b) why my mother was climbing the walls back at my in-laws'. The lot of them had come to visit on the evening of the first day, when we'd been in the hospital for about 13 hours and literally nothing had happened; a full day later, when she'd hardly heard a peep since saying good night the previous evening, of course she was thinking "where is that baby" but also, of course, it turns out, "what is happening to my daughter." Put a slightly different way: You're right on about the priorities but I think the importance of priority (1) can affect people other than the immediate birthing and nonbirthing parents.

I do think this particular LW's mother played it wrong, though. If she'd said she was relieved to hear her daughter-in-law was okay and she wished her son had said so sooner because she'd been terribly worried, that would have been one thing; "Why couldn't you have spared a thought for us" is something else entirely. Feh.

[watersword]

You're right and thank you for reminding me of that! I didn't get the sense for the letter than the soon-to-be grandparents even knew the new family was in the hospital, much less that there were Serious Medical Things Happening, for what it's worth.

[movingfinger]

We don't even know that the wider family knew that the new mother was in labor.

The LW uses lots of words to say, without saying explicitly, that this was a difficult situation---no complications, but months for recovery, sounds pretty hard. They deserve all the forgiveness and support the world can give them, and none of this entitled bullshit.

[beable]

Yasssssssss

[jadelennox]

The only part of the response that's right is "As parents and partners, this was your choice — not an excuse — and you don’t need to justify it."

[shirou]

Am I the only one confused by Amy's answer? She starts with "you may have blown it," but later tells the LW, "you don’t need to justify [your choice]."

I'm also confused by the letter itself. I agree (of course) that LW should put his wife and baby first, but he doesn't actually say why he and his wife thought it would be best to wait until they were home to tell the grandparents. How did that help? There's something missing here. Maybe the grandparents often ignore boundaries, and LW waited to tell them because he knows they wouldn't have given his wife the peace she needed at that time. Maybe he habitually keeps his parents at arms' length for no particular reason, and they're hurt because they want a closer relationship with him but don't know how to achieve it.

[tielan]

You're not the only one confused by the letter itself. The context of the relationship is missing and since I only have my own experience of my relationships with my parents and their respect for my boundaries, I'm left thinking "but I would have texted my immediate family to let them know, and asked them to stay away, and they would have respected my wishes". Which is obviously not the case for LW.

[redbird]

Maybe his wife knew that her family wouldn't respect boundaries and would try to visit her in the hospital. Then this makes sense either if she's afraid his parents would also show up even if told to wait, or if she really doesn't want to deal with her parents throwing a tantrum about having gotten the news days after the other grandparents.

It would have helped for the LW to give more information. I can see LW assuming Amy had all the info--it's easy to overlook that other people don't know something--but Amy should have noticed this.

[lavendertook]

It would have helped for the LW to give more information. I can see LW assuming Amy had all the info--it's easy to overlook that other people don't know something

And that's why I have sympathy with the mother and in-laws. This is an ongoing problem of his--sharing info. I suspect he is used to his wife taking the lead, but she was dealing with days of a difficult labor, so that it would be the right thing for her to be concerned about no one but herself and her baby.

EDIT:< I read this wrong--I read the LW's "few days ago", as if it took them a few days to get home. I don't know what the time frame is, or that the parents' had any idea of when the baby is due, so if they even knew the couple had gone to the hospital. So my reading below is contingent on the mother knowing there was something going on to worry about and that it was days before LW contacted them. If this is not the case, then LW's mother is being demanding, but LW is still irresponsible--a good dysfunctional dyad.


It shouldn't have taken LW days to text or email the parents that the baby is born and fine, and the mother is under observation and safe but totally exhausted, and keep his wife from having to deal with it, because this should be his small contribution. His wife is probably protecting him in making the decision joint or agreeing to it being joint, and she shouldn't have to be dealing with his crap now at all, when interceding with their family should be his job at this time of her horrible labor. Unless of course, she likes the control of being LW's mom and having a little boy for a husband along with the new baby, and it's worth it to her to be in charge of all the work for this control. (paging my mom right now) I think this is what Amy was trying to convey in putting quotes around his "excuse".

The grandparents must have been worried and scared shitless for those few days they didn't hear anything after the baby was born and the danger past. So I think LW was pretty irresponsible to make them wait days still feeling the fear that he was feeling before the birth. He needs to grow the hell up fast. For all I know they are feeling appropriately joyful about the baby, but also taking some time to get over the extra few days they were left in fear that things had gone very badly with the pregnancy. You don't get over that kind of fear, and then finding it was unnecessary, that quickly. Whether he learned it from his parents or not, the LW seems good at making everyone share the pain, so even if the grandparents happen to be functional and supportive parents, they're dealing with some complicated feelings right now, too, and I'd give them a little room for not having all their priorities straight yet. Conveying to them it wasn't a deliberate act to leave them out doesn't matter--they were left in fear waiting to hear from him and he let them down. But I think Amy is right to direct LW into dealing with the adult role of responsible communicator (that he foisted into a "we" to protect his delicate little self) instead of how to explain away his lack of communicating to the parents and in-laws as he asks.

[conuly]

It's possible that the letter was edited. That's happened before.

[lilysea]

I'm also confused by the letter itself. I agree (of course) that LW should put his wife and baby first, but he doesn't actually say why he and his wife thought it would be best to wait until they were home to tell the grandparents. How did that help?

I'm assuming it's because they would insist on visiting in hospital, even if he told them not too.

That the only way to fend off a hospital visit was not to tell them.

[sporky_rat]

That's what I was thinking.

[minoanmiss]

In US hospitals, at least, one can get oneself declared a no-info patient so that no one outside the hospital can find out where one is. But to do so voluntarily one needs to know that's an option when registering, and it's not like it's advertised or anything. So LW and wife likely didn't know they had that option.