Ask Amy: We didn't tell everyone immediately and now they're mad

[movingfinger]

Dear Amy: My wife and I just welcomed a baby girl into our lives a few days ago, and we are overjoyed. The delivery was successful with no complications, and the baby is very healthy, but my wife's labor was long and very painful. It will take months for her to recover.

Because it was such an ordeal, during our hospital stay we decided it would be best not to share our happy news until we were home and settled.

However, when I did break the news to my family — my mother in particular — the response was not joy but deep hurt that they were being told the news after the fact.

From her perspective, I have no excuse for not calling or sending a text immediately upon the baby's arrival.

Was I wrong to wait? How do I convey to my family that it was my decision based on how intense our situation was in the hospital, and not a deliberate act of leaving them out?

Distraught New Dad

Distraught New Dad: Congratulations on the arrival of your new baby. Now it’s time to Dad-up and admit that you may have blown it with your folks.

This is a huge and momentous event for you and your wife. It’s also a huge event for the people who love you. Grandparents feel honored when they are notified immediately following a birth and can feel equally disrespected and left out when they are not.

Unless doing so would seriously compromise your wife’s right to medical privacy, once she was out of the woods, I assume you could have found a moment to text your folks from the hospital: “Baby Sarah was born! We are ecstatic but it was a long and tough delivery. I’ll give you a call and send pictures once we get home and settled.”

Your “excuse” in not doing so is that you and your wife jointly decided not to notify your family members. As parents and partners, this was your choice — not an excuse — and you don’t need to justify it. As a parent, one of your jobs now is to find ways to manage your various relationships. This is just the beginning.

Send your folks updates (include pictures), and assume that your mother will come around. She’ll have to, because she now has a new baby granddaughter to love.

Comments

[movingfinger]

Amy is wrong. They did not "blow" anything.

The "deep hurt" and "no excuse for not calling or sending a text immediately" reactions completely justify the LW and his wife's dealing with the difficult labor and birth privately.

[conuly]

Yup. And the comments at arcamax are all "But LW didn't say they were difficult!" and I'm - do they have to? Obvs their parents are difficult, look how they're acting!

[movingfinger]

Non-difficult parents say "Oh, my, I hope you're both holding up, we're dropping off a chicken pot pie and some soup and a big packet of the fancy newborn diapers. Leave the laundry in a bag at the front door."

[conuly]

Or, at most "I wish you'd told us right away! Still, I'm sure the baby's adorable, send us some pics!!!!!"

[watersword]

For real. Priorities here: (1) health of baby and birthing parent, (2) health of non-birthing parent, (VERY DISTANT 3) LITERALLY ANYONE ELSE. I hope these parents have a great and supportive friend group.

[fox]

My own labor and delivery was a long process - mainly uneventful, as we were induced and it took ages for the baby to agree to be coaxed out at all, but long indeed - and because we were so bored and impatient, we genuinely didn't realize (a) that and (b) why my mother was climbing the walls back at my in-laws'. The lot of them had come to visit on the evening of the first day, when we'd been in the hospital for about 13 hours and literally nothing had happened; a full day later, when she'd hardly heard a peep since saying good night the previous evening, of course she was thinking "where is that baby" but also, of course, it turns out, "what is happening to my daughter." Put a slightly different way: You're right on about the priorities but I think the importance of priority (1) can affect people other than the immediate birthing and nonbirthing parents.

I do think this particular LW's mother played it wrong, though. If she'd said she was relieved to hear her daughter-in-law was okay and she wished her son had said so sooner because she'd been terribly worried, that would have been one thing; "Why couldn't you have spared a thought for us" is something else entirely. Feh.

[watersword]

You're right and thank you for reminding me of that! I didn't get the sense for the letter than the soon-to-be grandparents even knew the new family was in the hospital, much less that there were Serious Medical Things Happening, for what it's worth.

[movingfinger]

We don't even know that the wider family knew that the new mother was in labor.

The LW uses lots of words to say, without saying explicitly, that this was a difficult situation---no complications, but months for recovery, sounds pretty hard. They deserve all the forgiveness and support the world can give them, and none of this entitled bullshit.

[beable]

Yasssssssss

[jadelennox]

The only part of the response that's right is "As parents and partners, this was your choice — not an excuse — and you don’t need to justify it."