Annie's Mailbox: Mother-in-Law Not Senioring the Way I Think she Should

[cereta]

Okay, the subject line is not exactly neutral (there wasn't one at the site), and if "adulting" can be a word, so can "senioring."


Dear Annie: My husband's parents are in their mid-70s. They are both in good health and financially stable. The problem is, my mother-in-law has a bit of hypochondria along with some anxiety. She has self-diagnosed herself with many "syndromes" (such as fibromyalgia, restless leg, irritable bowel), and she refuses to exercise. Her syndromes, which are exacerbated by her anxiety, keep her from getting out of the house, unless it involves an activity that she truly enjoys, like shopping.

My in-laws don't have a wide social circle, and Mom refuses to try to make new friends. You can't have a conversation with her without the topic turning to her various maladies. I believe this is causing her some depression. Our town has many great programs for seniors, and I know both of my in-laws would benefit from them. I have repeatedly suggested to my mother-in-law that she get outside more, get some exercise, volunteer, take classes at the senior center, etc., but she refuses.

Annie, I understand that Mom may have some physical ailments, but being home all day and inactive surely can't be making her better. It's so important to remain physically and mentally active, and it's frustrating to see a wonderful couple, a wonderful woman, throw her "golden years" away. -- Frustrated Daughter-in-Law

Dear Daughter-in-Law: Your heart is in the right place, but please don't pressure your mother-in-law to take care of herself the way you would. While exercise would be great, it only works if she's willing to do it. To some extent, she likes her various maladies and isn't ready to get rid of them. The best you can do right now is suggest that she see her doctor to be properly tested, evaluated and treated. And if you find a program at the senior center that you think she would like, offer to pick her up and go with her.

Comments

[lilysea]

To some extent, she likes her various maladies and isn't ready to get rid of them.

Flames. Flames on the side of my face!

Dear Daughter in law: Exercise may make your MIL's pain/fatigue worse. Also, exercise for her may be having a shower!

Please don't pressure her/coerce her into being more active than she feels able to, you're not the one who has to cope with the pain/fatigue flare up.

Also, read up on the boom/bust cycle, or how over-exercise in chronic pain patients can lead to an increased level of disability...

[cereta]

Seriously, until a med adjust a few days ago, just the 10-minute process of taking a bath and drying myself after left me exhausted. Have I been pushing through that to help my daughter with her homework? Will I push through my constant migraine to sell tickets to her play? Yes, because those things are super important to me, and I budget spoons and recovery time for them. And I know, I know that people see me smiling and chatting when I do thinks like that and think, well, she can't be too bad off. It's a no-win situation.

[malnpudl]

THANK YOU. (Rage-snarling at "DIL", holy crap.)

[kiezh]

YES THIS. Argh, people who assume chronic illness and chronic pain are fake/chosen and the solution is exercise and a positive attitude. *rage* Maybe she has "some depression" not because she's perversely making herself miserable, but because she's IN PAIN?

Also, these lines struck me:

You can't have a conversation with her without the topic turning to her various maladies.

Possibly the fact that LW keeps invalidating her is causing her to reassert the reality of her health problems every time they speak, in reaction to constant pressure to exercise and live right by LW's standards? (Been there, done that. I have relatives who probably think that I don't talk about anything but health problems. This is an observer effect.)

Also possibly LW has never troubled herself to learn that standard small talk like "how have you been?" is not much fun for chronic pain/chronic illness sufferers, and despite calling MIL a "wonderful woman" LW doesn't know or care what else she might be interested in talking about.