Dear Abby: Unhappy Grandma Gets an Eyeful of Son-in-Law Wearing Skivvies

[lilysea]

Dear Abby,

After my future son-in-law moved in with our daughter, my husband and I stopped by unannounced to visit. He answered the door in his underwear and never bothered to go put on a pair of shorts. We didn't say anything and, of course, didn't stay long.

It was close to Christmas, so we bought him a robe and my husband jokingly told him, "We figured you didn't have one since you stay in your underwear when we're here." Even after that, he still does it.

I finally told my daughter, "Since he can't take a hint, please tell him to put on clothes when I'm coming over." Since then, when we've stopped by (dropping off the grandbabies) he still doesn't put shorts on.

It happened again today. I asked him to please throw on some shorts, and his response was, "You're killing me in my own house," but he did do it. They rely on us to help with our granddaughters, but I'm fed up with having to see him in his underwear. I also don't think he should go around that way around his 6-year-old stepdaughter and his 2-month-old daughter. What are your thoughts on this? -- HURTING EYES IN FLORIDA

DEAR HURTING EYES: Because you are doing your daughter and her husband the favor of looking after the grandkids, and you have let them know you prefer not seeing your son-in-law in his undies, your wishes should be respected. However, different families have different standards regarding attire around the house, and you shouldn't judge him for what he chooses to wear in the privacy of his home when you are not around.

Comments

[shirou]

Putting on clothes for a visitor, even an unannounced visitor, is a pretty normal expectation. If the son-in-law is trying to communicate that the LW is unwelcome, either because she drops by unannounced or because she stays too long, then doing so by remaining undressed is passive aggressive bs - not an acceptable substitute for a real conversation about privacy and boundaries. (Although clearly not all her visits are unannounced; the SIL should have expected she would return his kids to him.) "You're killing me in my own house" is also ridiculously over-dramatic. Personally, I think the SIL is a jerk. The LW should hold fast to her entirely reasonably request that he wear clothes when she's there and not let his petulance get to her.

[jadelennox]

I don't like either of them. Answering the door in your underwear can be actionable in some parts of the US, and is creepy around a six-year-old stepdaughter. Creepy enough to be a red flag, when the kid is that old. But dropping by unannounced and giving passive aggressive gifts is also pretty shitty.

[shirou]

I agree they've both done things wrong, but I think the son-in-law is far worse. After some initial missteps, the LW's behavior improved. She stopped dropping hints and attempted to initiate an adult conversation with a simple, direct, and completely reasonable request. By contrast, the son-in law kept degenerating into further petulance. He dug in, first ignoring the request, and then blowing up.