agonyaunt | Bright Side: I Refuse To Let My Stepson Bring His Mom's Cooking To My Home

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Bright Side: I Refuse To Let My Stepson Bring His Mom's Cooking To My Home

Being a stepparent is hard, even more so when the child is a teenager. It’s already difficult for them when their parents separate, and introducing someone new into their life complicates matters.

One of our readers shared their story.

Dear Bright Side,I’m in a situation that I don’t know how to deal with. Recently, my 15-year-old stepson has started bringing home-cooked meals from his mom’s house when he comes over to visit us. In the beginning I thought it was strange, but now I think there’s a lot more too it. I cook for the entire family every night, but since he’s been bringing his mom’s food, he refuses to eat what I make. He won’t even look at the food. He just microwaves whatever his mom packed him and eats it in silence.I tried to be understanding because I thought there might be a logical explanation behind it. But this time things went too far. Last night I made his favorite meal or at least, what used to be his favorite and he didn’t even look at it. He just pulled out his mom’s container.I lost it and snapped at him, not my best moment, but it happened. I told him that I wasn’t okay with what he was doing anymore. I think I might’ve gone too far when I said that this is my home, I’m not running a restaurant, and if he doesn’t want to eat what I cook, he can figure it out on his own.He didn’t react any way I thought he would. He didn’t even flinch. He just gave me a blank expression and said, “Relax, it’s not like anyone asked you to pretend to be my mom. I have no problem with the one I have. If it bothers you, that’s your problem.”I stood there speechless. It’s not like I ever tried to be or replace his mother. But the fact that he thought I did, really stung. I know teens can be difficult, but I never expected the sweet boy I knew to say something so horrible.When I tried to discuss it with my husband later that night, he said that I needed to let it go. “He’s just a teenager,” he added. I’ve been telling myself the same thing, but what he said really hurt, and I don’t know how to deal with it.

Thank you for reaching out to us. We understand how difficult a situation like this one can be, and we’ve put together some tips that might help you out.

Get on the same page.

Being a stepparent isn’t easy, but it can be manageable with the help of your partner. Discuss the situation with your husband, let him give his honest opinion, and then give yours. Tell him that you never tried to be his son’s mother, and you’re hurt that he’s accusing you of such things. Once you are on the same page, you can look into ways of managing the situation.

You’re not his mom, but you are a mom.

That might sound counterintuitive, but it’s true. You might not be the one who raised him, but you do take care of him, and that means something. So be a mom. Watch him, look out for the days where he seems more down or upset. Don’t try to force him to open up, but do subtle things to let him know you care and that you’re there. If he seems extra moody, leave his favorite candy bar in his room. If he seems agitated stay out of his way. Soon you’ll see that the little gestures mean a lot more than words. He might even start opening up to you because he’ll understand that you are not a threat, and you’re not trying to control him.

Having stepchildren isn’t easy, but at the end of the day, it’s how you treat them that really matters. Some people will try to exclude them, while other’s will try to replace their parent. But if you really want to be on good terms with them, be neutral because most of the time that’s all they need.

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So he's not bringing over anything that can't be in the house -- no meat to a vegan household etc -- so this seems to be a power struggle. If I were her I would be quite hurt by what he said but it's ... not beyond the pale, and a power struggle will not help. Am I missing something?

Yes, my first thought was that this was going to be

eg meat to a vegetarian household

nuts to a deadly-nut-allergy household

non-kosher food to a kosher household

or something similar...

It is so much easier to see that something is not about you when you're not living in the middle of it. Because that comment looked to me like it was about one million percent not about LW, and yet if you're trying hard to make a blended family work, it is not going to feel not about you.

I said that this is my home, I’m not running a restaurant, and if he doesn’t want to eat what I cook, he can figure it out on his own.

It sounds to me like that’s exactly what he did. I’m also not sure how much to believe LW’s claims that she isn’t trying to be this kid’s mom, because to me her reactions sound to me like she’s threatened by this reminder of the kid’s mom, and LW sees acceptance of LW’s food as a proxy for acceptance of LW. That’s why it hurts to have her food rejected, because it isn’t about saying her culinary skills are less to his tastes, it’s about saying that he doesn’t need her to provide for him like a mom does.

So yeah. She needs to back off and simply be a kind adult (I disagree with the advice that she’s automatically a mom in any sense but legal, unless she has other kids of her own or other stepkids who have decided to accept her as a mom; there are plenty of stepmothers who aren’t moms). If he decides later that he wants a mom-type relationship with her, he can move them into that role. But you can’t come into someone’s life late in the game and try to force a close mom (or dad) relationship on them if they don’t want it. The only thing you can automatically be is a legal mother or father, and mom/dad roles only happen if both parties - stepparent and kid - decide that a closer, more emotionally intimate mom/dad relationship is desirable.

I came here to point out the same comment. From the way LW wrote about things, it doesn't even sound like he's been blatantly rude about her food - he just started bringing his own instead. She could have asked about it way earlier rather than blowing up at him.

Responding with curiosity rather than taking offense would prevent so many problems like this.

There's clearly something else going on here if LW thought he was a sweet boy and they had no problems until recently. Either he has a problem with her, or he has a problem with something else and is acting out, or there's some other reason for the food like his mom is the one with the problem, or maybe he actually never liked LW's cooking. But whatever it is, the situation is at minimum weird and trying to find out what's going on would have been the correct response from both LW (rather than blowing up at him) and her husband (rather than just ignoring it because he's a teenager).

The advice is at least slightly useful, because you might need to start that way to find out what's wrong if he's not inclined to just talk... but at the same time it feels like it ignored most of the letter.

The advice feels really generic here.

There is definitely more going on in LW's head, and she needs to figure it out with husband or a therapist rather than trying to control the kid.

At no point does she try talking with the kid before she blows up. That's huge.

It seems to me that the source of her resentment (as described in the letter, at least) is the fact that she keeps cooking and the kid won't eat it. But that's on her. "Hey, $name, I notice you've been bringing food to dinner. Can you let me know when you're not planning to eat my food, so I don't cook too much?" She's the adult, so it's on her to ask first.

If the kid is really sitting through dinner in total silence all the time, I assume something probably is wrong. But blowing up about it won't help.

if he doesn’t want to eat what I cook, he can figure it out on his own

He already did.

LW needs to back off and stop making things all about herself. If eating his mom's cooking makes Stepson feel more comfortable, I don't see a problem. It's not hurting anyone else or making extra work for them, and it doesn't sound like Stepson was making a big deal out of it until LW did. And honestly, what he said was relatively polite considering LW's totally uncalled-for and incoherent "not running a restaurant" outburst. When a 15-year-old looks calm and reasonable compared to you, you need to check yourself.

The not running a restaurant comment was so weird to me, because he's very obviously not assuming she is.

Yeah that's for situations where the kid says "I'm not making that, cook me something else" or whatever ... not this.

And yes it can be hurtful for him to reject favorite foods, but this isn't the way to react. I also wonder what changed, what the mom is saying, etc -- it could be about choosing between moms, it could be that he doesn't like stepmom's cooking and can't say that, it could be that mom's cooking is comfort food, who knows.

LW ought to apologize for blowing up, let stepson know she's there for him if he wants to talk, and not make this about herself.

(My brain, which has read too much reddit: was she an affair partner? what does the family look like? did they have other kids? How long ago was divorce, remarriage, etc?)

Yeah. Now someone points it out, the "not running a restaurant" complaint makes me think that maybe the son *did* previously make some requests, that LW didn't think was reasonable. It could be any combination of, they were unreasonable requests, or they were sincere but badly thought through or badly expressed, or the son was reasonable and LW overreacted. Which presumably precipitated the food from his non-step mother.

Maybe the son became vegetarian and the rest of LW's family isn't! Probably not, but it would explain the facts. But if the non-step mother is going to the effort, there might well be some specific reason.

Honestly, it sounds as if maybe he had some kind of food intolerance issue that LW refused to pay attention to, so he and his mom quietly figured out a solution.

Either way, he was kind've snippy at her, but not unforgivably so.

or it could be that when LW cooks his favourite recipes,

she always uses too much salt

or not enough salt

too much spice

or not enough spice

too much onion/garlic

or not enough onion/garlic...

Stepmom needs a conversation with her family. Possibly more than one.

If it's an actual food issue - preferences or allergies or anything like that - she needs to address that. But it doesn't sound like it; it sounds like it's a weird power struggle.

In which case, Stepmom needs to take a step back from the conflict. She has the option of saying, "Kiddo, I am planning meals/shopping for the week and need to know if you're eating what the rest of us are having so I know how much to make."

...Which puts him in the position of making that choice in advance, instead of as a day-to-day slap in the face of the person who's trying to make dinner for him. Even if it's brought home the same day, she can ask him before she starts cooking dinner instead of finding out at the table that one portion is being bumped to leftovers or going to waste.

Deciding on any other tactics would require knowing more about the relationship with Bio-Mom, Dad's relationship with both families, and the legal situation Kiddo is in.

I told him that I wasn’t okay with what he was doing anymore. I think I might’ve gone too far when I said that this is my home, I’m not running a restaurant, and if he doesn’t want to eat what I cook, he can figure it out on his own.

That's exactly what this kid did. LW is putting way too many feelings into this.

I feel like there's not enough info here, because it reads like this "sweet boy" used to eat meals and engage with the family when visiting, then suddenly switched to eating exclusively biomom's meals with no explanation. Did this switch come after a few weeks, a few months, has it been years of meals before the teen started bringing his mom's food and eating in total silence? Which could be a little confusing, admittedly, but a line of conversation would have been a better approach than trying to "trick" him back into eating with the family with his "favorite meal". Also, LW definitely takes the comment too personally, but I do wonder about her ascribing the words to the teen's true feelings as well - there are cases where a biomom or biodad can impart their own feelings of insecurity about another person in their kids' lives (intentionally or not), and kids of divorce can struggle with feelings of "loyalty" and/or if they must act "equally" towards both parents. Who knows (without a conversation) if teen is bringing biomom's food for reasons that appeal to her? I feel like it is most likely the comment wasn't said with any malice at all, more that whatever is going on is likely not about LW or their cooking at all.

One: I love your username
Two: the more I think about it the more I agree with your statement that this really may not be about LW at all. Part of being the adult is, well, being the adult and not lashing out reflexively.

Thank you!
Yes, the LW definitely reacted poorly, and her initial attempts to respond passively rather than directly suggests maybe she was hoping to avoid confrontation? Which happens to many of us at times, so an apology and more direct conversation are definitely in order.

For all we know, stepson's having lots of stress at school or other areas of life and mom's meals are a stable note.

This really sounds like a needless power struggle — I’m agreeing with everyone who is saying that this could be resolved with a calm conversation in which LW asks the teen whether she should be buying groceries/cooking for him, or whether she should expect that he will be providing his own dinner.

I’m also curious about whether something changed about him eating LW’s food and talking at the table, and what might have prompted that.

I'm looking at this a little differently to everyone else here - less about the food and the parental dynamics and more about the idea of "a meal together as family engagement". If he's not eating the meal with everyone else, talking with everyone else, making himself a distinct separation from the rest of the family, then I can see how LW feels.

Do I think LW reacted in a helpful way? Nope. Nope nope nope.

LW definitely needs to do some thinking about how she sees meals and shared mealtimes - and needs to parse out with stepson what he plans to do about food going forward and how the household will go about it. Just off the description (which, yes, I know it's one-sided and LW may not be a reliable narrator), the change in the dining situation is peculiar and should at the least be addressed.

my 15-year-old stepson has started bringing home-cooked meals from his mom’s house when he comes over to visit us

I originally missed "come to visit us". I originally imagined he was living with LW >50% of the time, when this felt more weird. But if non-step mum's house is more his default home, it makes more sense. It seems likely he feels like the step-mother meals aren't feeding him properly *somehow*.

It's also likely that LW wants to feel like she's feeding a family meal, and teen is still oblivious. But now I think about it, the fact that LW doesn't *say* in the letter "I asked him/non-step-mother if there was any new dietary requirements and they didn't say anything" makes it more likely that she wasn't really communicating what she wanted, than that teen was being more-than-usually-oblivious.

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Bright Side: I Refuse To Let My Stepson Bring His Mom's Cooking To My Home

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