Meep Matsushima (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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agonyaunt2025-07-08 05:14 pm
matsushima) wrote in agonyaunt2025-07-08 05:14 pm
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how do I step back from a friendship with an intensely negative and argumentative coworker?
I’ve been working at a university library for a little over a year now and have had a hard time making friends. Shortly after I started, I befriended a coworker, “Morgan,” who is also relatively new, and it has been nice getting to know them and commiserating about how hard it is to make friends in a new city and workplace.
Over the course of our friendship, Morgan has opened up more and more about the interpersonal problems they’ve had with our colleagues. They describe scenarios where collaborative projects get stalled because other stakeholders stop communicating with them, coworkers they were getting lunch with on a weekly basis suddenly stop responding to chats, and other frustrations with navigating bureaucracy that interferes with their work. It’s hard to tell if Morgan is becoming increasingly disgruntled or if they are now very comfortable with telling me their unfiltered feelings.
I’ve also had to navigate some fairly horrendous problems as a new employee, so it’s been nice to have a coworker who understands and sympathizes with our (somewhat) dysfunctional workplace culture. Morgan has made it very clear to me that they are only here for the time being and have already decided that this is not the city they would like to stay in long-term. Personally, I want to retire here and have worked very hard to improve my situation. It feels very different for me today than it did a year ago, which is why it’s become increasingly difficult to navigate Morgan’s constant negativity.
Morgan can be a lot of fun to talk to, but they’re in an increasingly bad mental space at work. They frequently come to my office to gripe for an hour or two in spite of how busy I am; I’m always actively working and trying to concentrate when they pop into my office. To my fault, they ask if it’s a good time to chat and I always say yes because they’ve been so hurt by our coworkers pulling away and I’m afraid of upsetting them. On top of this, they’ve become increasingly argumentative with me when they’re looking to talk. Again, I would say this is my fault because they are looking to vent and I’m always trying to provide solutions, so I think it’s taken as invalidating Morgan’s feelings.
Morgan is in such a bad mental space at work that seemingly any type of feedback or dialogue that they disagree with comes off as an attack. One of the issues they’ve had with multiple colleagues is that they invalidate Morgan’s feelings. Morgan has described situations where they complained about something to a colleague and rather than agreeing with and consoling Morgan, they essentially said to look on the bright side. For example, Morgan was upset about a change made to their office and the coworker responded with, “At least you have your own office.” Morgan has many examples of conversations like this and cites it as a workplace culture issue. In addition, Morgan holds on to comments like this (that took place months and months ago) and often refers back to them as examples of how bad things are. At this point, I am very afraid of upsetting Morgan because I like them, and their hyper-sensitivity is a bit triggering in light of all the reparative work I’ve done for my position and unit.
One more detail about Morgan that I think plays a factor is their odor. Morgan has a strong mildewy smell wherever they go. The odor fills a room and I can often tell if they’ve recently been in a space because of the smell. I believe Morgan maintains good hygiene practices, but that they are unaware of the fact that a lot of their clothing has developed a pungent mildew odor. Depending on how strongly they smell, it can be very difficult to spend extended periods of time with them. I’ve avoided spending time with them outside of work, like inviting them to my home, because the smell is so off-putting and am wondering if it has contributed to their interactions with coworkers.
How do I take a step back with Morgan without further inciting them?
I don’t think “without further inciting Morgan” is the right goal! The right goal is to treat everyone reasonably and respectfully while not letting them trample your boundaries or your time and energy.
It seems like you’re navigating your friendship with Morgan from a position of fear more than anything else — fear of inciting them, upsetting them, or making them feel challenged (to the point that you’re spending one to two hours at a time letting them vent when you’re supposed to be focused on your work).
Obviously it’s good to avoid upsetting people when you can, but when someone is going to be upset by your completely reasonable behavior, that’s on them, not on you. You like Morgan, but the relationship relies on you tiptoeing around to avoid setting them off by … doing your job? Being honest about where you see things differently?
Interestingly, at the same time that you’re prioritizing Morgan’s feelings above your own needs, you’re actually not treating them very respectfully! You’re misleading them about what you think and secretly resenting the time you’re spending with them, without setting the boundaries that could allow you to actually enjoy your time talking with them. Imagine if the roles were reversed; you’d probably be a bit mortified if you found out that someone you thought was a friend was secretly frustrated with you but continued to let you go on obliviously doing the things that were annoying them. I want to stress that I’m not saying that to blame you — you’re already blaming yourself far more than you should be — but to point out that your current framework for the relationship isn’t serving either of you well.
It’s probably worth digging into how you’ve gotten here (in particular, whether you have a pattern of people-pleasing tendencies that subvert your own needs), but let’s talk practical steps.
First and foremost, stop telling Morgan you’re available to talk when you’re actually busy. Morgan is asking if it’s a good time to talk! Take advantage of that and respond honestly: “Actually, no, I’m on deadline right now” … “I’m swamped today, hopefully later this week!” … “Sorry, can’t, need to focus on what I’m working on” … etc. These are all very normal things to say in an office. If you’ve literally never set those boundaries with Morgan before, you might feel a little awkward about it at first, but — again — these are normal things to say while you’re working. If it helps steel your resolve, remind yourself that at some point your boss or other colleagues are likely to notice you spending one to two hours at a time socializing instead of working and it’s not going to look good.
If Morgan is upset that you’re not as available anymore, that’s okay. You’re at work to work. If it helps, you can say something to explain it — like “I’ve realized I’m spending way too much time socializing and I’m worried my boss is noticing,” “I’m slammed lately, can’t spend as much time talking as I used to,” “I’m finding it rough to spend so much time on the negative parts of working here; for my own mental health, I can’t spend so much time complaining,” or whatever you’re comfortable saying.
If Morgan has feelings about you setting boundaries on your time, that’s something they’ll need to work out on their own. You don’t need to apologize or feel bad for needing to focus on your job or putting limits on your own emotional energy.
It sounds like you’re worried that if you set these boundaries, Morgan will lump you in with everyone else who has “invalidated their feelings” (by having a different perspective than they do) or who has pulled away from them. And they might! You can’t control that. But you’re not doing them any favors by handling them with kid gloves. Behave reasonably, expect other people to respond reasonably, and if they don’t, accept that that’s theirs to work through. It’s not your responsibility to insulate Morgan or anyone else from reasonable actions.
Last, the odor! Mildew is actually one of the easiest odors to address because it’s less personal than trying to address body odor. For whatever reason, “Oh, I think that coat might smell mildewy” tends to feel less like a personal critique. Any chance you’re up for mentioning it? It’s not your job to do that with someone who has already demonstrated they’re prone to feeling attacked — but it would be a kindness if you’re willing to.
- how do I step back from a friendship with an intensely negative and argumentative coworker?
Over the course of our friendship, Morgan has opened up more and more about the interpersonal problems they’ve had with our colleagues. They describe scenarios where collaborative projects get stalled because other stakeholders stop communicating with them, coworkers they were getting lunch with on a weekly basis suddenly stop responding to chats, and other frustrations with navigating bureaucracy that interferes with their work. It’s hard to tell if Morgan is becoming increasingly disgruntled or if they are now very comfortable with telling me their unfiltered feelings.
I’ve also had to navigate some fairly horrendous problems as a new employee, so it’s been nice to have a coworker who understands and sympathizes with our (somewhat) dysfunctional workplace culture. Morgan has made it very clear to me that they are only here for the time being and have already decided that this is not the city they would like to stay in long-term. Personally, I want to retire here and have worked very hard to improve my situation. It feels very different for me today than it did a year ago, which is why it’s become increasingly difficult to navigate Morgan’s constant negativity.
Morgan can be a lot of fun to talk to, but they’re in an increasingly bad mental space at work. They frequently come to my office to gripe for an hour or two in spite of how busy I am; I’m always actively working and trying to concentrate when they pop into my office. To my fault, they ask if it’s a good time to chat and I always say yes because they’ve been so hurt by our coworkers pulling away and I’m afraid of upsetting them. On top of this, they’ve become increasingly argumentative with me when they’re looking to talk. Again, I would say this is my fault because they are looking to vent and I’m always trying to provide solutions, so I think it’s taken as invalidating Morgan’s feelings.
Morgan is in such a bad mental space at work that seemingly any type of feedback or dialogue that they disagree with comes off as an attack. One of the issues they’ve had with multiple colleagues is that they invalidate Morgan’s feelings. Morgan has described situations where they complained about something to a colleague and rather than agreeing with and consoling Morgan, they essentially said to look on the bright side. For example, Morgan was upset about a change made to their office and the coworker responded with, “At least you have your own office.” Morgan has many examples of conversations like this and cites it as a workplace culture issue. In addition, Morgan holds on to comments like this (that took place months and months ago) and often refers back to them as examples of how bad things are. At this point, I am very afraid of upsetting Morgan because I like them, and their hyper-sensitivity is a bit triggering in light of all the reparative work I’ve done for my position and unit.
One more detail about Morgan that I think plays a factor is their odor. Morgan has a strong mildewy smell wherever they go. The odor fills a room and I can often tell if they’ve recently been in a space because of the smell. I believe Morgan maintains good hygiene practices, but that they are unaware of the fact that a lot of their clothing has developed a pungent mildew odor. Depending on how strongly they smell, it can be very difficult to spend extended periods of time with them. I’ve avoided spending time with them outside of work, like inviting them to my home, because the smell is so off-putting and am wondering if it has contributed to their interactions with coworkers.
How do I take a step back with Morgan without further inciting them?
I don’t think “without further inciting Morgan” is the right goal! The right goal is to treat everyone reasonably and respectfully while not letting them trample your boundaries or your time and energy.
It seems like you’re navigating your friendship with Morgan from a position of fear more than anything else — fear of inciting them, upsetting them, or making them feel challenged (to the point that you’re spending one to two hours at a time letting them vent when you’re supposed to be focused on your work).
Obviously it’s good to avoid upsetting people when you can, but when someone is going to be upset by your completely reasonable behavior, that’s on them, not on you. You like Morgan, but the relationship relies on you tiptoeing around to avoid setting them off by … doing your job? Being honest about where you see things differently?
Interestingly, at the same time that you’re prioritizing Morgan’s feelings above your own needs, you’re actually not treating them very respectfully! You’re misleading them about what you think and secretly resenting the time you’re spending with them, without setting the boundaries that could allow you to actually enjoy your time talking with them. Imagine if the roles were reversed; you’d probably be a bit mortified if you found out that someone you thought was a friend was secretly frustrated with you but continued to let you go on obliviously doing the things that were annoying them. I want to stress that I’m not saying that to blame you — you’re already blaming yourself far more than you should be — but to point out that your current framework for the relationship isn’t serving either of you well.
It’s probably worth digging into how you’ve gotten here (in particular, whether you have a pattern of people-pleasing tendencies that subvert your own needs), but let’s talk practical steps.
First and foremost, stop telling Morgan you’re available to talk when you’re actually busy. Morgan is asking if it’s a good time to talk! Take advantage of that and respond honestly: “Actually, no, I’m on deadline right now” … “I’m swamped today, hopefully later this week!” … “Sorry, can’t, need to focus on what I’m working on” … etc. These are all very normal things to say in an office. If you’ve literally never set those boundaries with Morgan before, you might feel a little awkward about it at first, but — again — these are normal things to say while you’re working. If it helps steel your resolve, remind yourself that at some point your boss or other colleagues are likely to notice you spending one to two hours at a time socializing instead of working and it’s not going to look good.
If Morgan is upset that you’re not as available anymore, that’s okay. You’re at work to work. If it helps, you can say something to explain it — like “I’ve realized I’m spending way too much time socializing and I’m worried my boss is noticing,” “I’m slammed lately, can’t spend as much time talking as I used to,” “I’m finding it rough to spend so much time on the negative parts of working here; for my own mental health, I can’t spend so much time complaining,” or whatever you’re comfortable saying.
If Morgan has feelings about you setting boundaries on your time, that’s something they’ll need to work out on their own. You don’t need to apologize or feel bad for needing to focus on your job or putting limits on your own emotional energy.
It sounds like you’re worried that if you set these boundaries, Morgan will lump you in with everyone else who has “invalidated their feelings” (by having a different perspective than they do) or who has pulled away from them. And they might! You can’t control that. But you’re not doing them any favors by handling them with kid gloves. Behave reasonably, expect other people to respond reasonably, and if they don’t, accept that that’s theirs to work through. It’s not your responsibility to insulate Morgan or anyone else from reasonable actions.
Last, the odor! Mildew is actually one of the easiest odors to address because it’s less personal than trying to address body odor. For whatever reason, “Oh, I think that coat might smell mildewy” tends to feel less like a personal critique. Any chance you’re up for mentioning it? It’s not your job to do that with someone who has already demonstrated they’re prone to feeling attacked — but it would be a kindness if you’re willing to.
- how do I step back from a friendship with an intensely negative and argumentative coworker?
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