Ask a Manager: Swiping on a Coworker on a Dating App

[minoanmiss]

Is swiping on a coworker on a dating app grounds for an HR meeting?

Asking for a friend: They absent-mindedly swiped on a coworker in a dating app (whom they asked out once two years earlier). Said coworker was uncomfortable with that and went to HR, and they all had a sit-down about leaving said coworker alone.

I am all for not harassing people you work with romantically, but I am also conflicted — is swiping right on a coworker on Bumble or Tinder grounds for an HR intervention?

They are both on a dating app, after all — a place where you are opening up yourself to these kinds of interactions explicitly. And then the interaction has to be mutual anyway — both people need to “initiate” conversation here, without knowing if the other person has done so. (Apparently in this case their coworker was paying for premium rights to see who was swiping on them, and spoke with HR without initiating.)

Dating apps also location-based, and so a lot of coworkers might show up there. Having worked at a 500-person office, I probably have swiped on several without realizing! A lot of people also use these by quickly swiping, not necessarily making a researched decision every time.

I might be utterly off-base here, but I want to be sure not to alienate people I work with. What would be the correct etiquette here?

This doesn’t sound like someone who reported a coworker to HR simply for swiping right on them on a dating app. Their perspective is likely that the coworker had already asked them out and been told no, now they’re making another overture, and they work together so it’s extra aggravating that they weren’t respecting the original no.

It still could have been overkill to involve HR — but so much of this depends on how your friend handled the original rejection and how they’ve treated the coworker since then.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

Ask a Manager, like most of the internet, is FULL of people who find reasons to defend the most egregious sexual behavior at work, I STG. It's perennially annoying.

[mrissa]

"Their perspective is likely that the coworker had already asked them out and been told no, now they're making another overture, and they work together so it's extra aggravating that they weren't respecting the original no."

Yeah, you know why that's likely their perspective? Because it is the literal facts on the ground.

LW, you absolutely know the difference between "wait, you work for Large Company? wild, me too, what department?" and "I have plausible deniability about Caitlin from Accounting right? right? RIGHT?"

[melannen]

This does seem somewhat mitigated by the fact LW's friend had no reason to know they would even know about the swipe if they weren't receptive. Like. I am 100% in agreement that you don't continue to pursue someone who said no (a coworker least of all). But if you're paying extra money to bypass a system specifically designed to minimize that, I kinda feel like that's on you?

[conuly]

1. If this really is only two incidents, one from two years ago, then there's no reason to assume this won't all blow over.

2. However, wow, LW is too invested in Friend's problem. If Friend had wanted to write to an advice column about it, he could've done so himself.

[jack]

The AAM comments were surprisingly sympathetic to the swiper. I think that if it happened *as described* then they didn't do anything wrong and the response was an overreaction. But I think it's much more likely that the swiper had already at work given the coworker the idea they were still interested, and swiping on them was optimism not absent-mindedness, and coworker felt like they were following them about.

[likeaduck]

1. It's possible for a swipe-right to be innocent, not an infraction, and for it to be reasonable for a coworker to flag it to HR. Flagging it with HR and getting them to communicate that it's unwelcome is just communication and recordmaking, and if nothing else happens it shouldn't reflect badly on the swiper, and early recordmaking is helpful if more troubling things happen down the line.

2. Sure dating apps are location-based and you might see coworkers there, but also...if you are on your dating app at work...you know that? It actually makes it less likely you "absent-mindedly" swiped on a coworker without realising who it was?

[movingfinger]

I have never used a dating app, but anything involving a repetitive, small motor gesture is going to misfire occasionally.