Dear Abby:Wife With Sketchy Memory Depends on Husband for Help

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: When my wife was 17 (she's now 54), she was in a car accident. She and her three friends were high and drunk. She suffered two skull fractures, which have affected her memory. She thinks it's my job to remind her of things and becomes angry to the point of hitting things when I don't do it. I feel her schedule is her responsibility. But when I tell her that, she claims I am not being "supportive." -- UNSURE IN THE SOUTH

DEAR UNSURE: In successful marriages the division of labor is usually "each according to his ability, each according to his need." Your wife's schedule should be her responsibility, and if your wife were irresponsible, I'd agree with you. However, because she suffered a traumatic brain injury, she may be unable to be as organized as you are and need your help. That said, "hitting things" when she becomes frustrated is not appropriate, and she needs to find a less threatening and destructive way of venting.

Comments

[cereta]

1. I am not thrilled with the totally irrelevant mention that your wife and her friends were high and drunk at the time of the accident. It smacks of making sure we know that this was All Her Fault. I know from living with someone with anger issues, so I was kind of inclined to be sympathetic, but this did not help.

2. It should probably go without saying that she should have a neurologist and mental health expert as part of her life if economically feasible, but it's said. I am not a psych*, but she might benefit from Dialectical Behavior Therapy on the temper and frustration issues.

3. The two of you together could try using technology to its fullest. I'm not a TBI patient, but I am forgetful, and I've found that using Google Calendar + my phone is enormously helpful. You can set multiple reminders for appointments and tasks, easily make things weekly/monthly etc. She might also benefit from a bullet journal. The organization of the journal itself helps a lot.

All this can fall under "teach a woman to fish." If you, LW, invest some time in researching, learning, and helping her learning tools, you won't have to be her Google Calendar. You may have to set it up for her every month, but you won't have to remember day-to-day things. You will have to remember Abby's basic advice: this isn't about her ducking responsibility. She needs help. You need to find some way to make that help tolerable to you, or, I guess, decide if you can do this, because from what little I know of TBIs, it's not going to get better as she gets older.

[lilysea]

An occupational therapist can help your wife develop skills, enhance function, manage symptoms, and overcome barriers to achieve a better quality of life.

Please make an appointment with an OT experienced with brain injury today!