Dear Abby:Wife With Sketchy Memory Depends on Husband for Help

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: When my wife was 17 (she's now 54), she was in a car accident. She and her three friends were high and drunk. She suffered two skull fractures, which have affected her memory. She thinks it's my job to remind her of things and becomes angry to the point of hitting things when I don't do it. I feel her schedule is her responsibility. But when I tell her that, she claims I am not being "supportive." -- UNSURE IN THE SOUTH

DEAR UNSURE: In successful marriages the division of labor is usually "each according to his ability, each according to his need." Your wife's schedule should be her responsibility, and if your wife were irresponsible, I'd agree with you. However, because she suffered a traumatic brain injury, she may be unable to be as organized as you are and need your help. That said, "hitting things" when she becomes frustrated is not appropriate, and she needs to find a less threatening and destructive way of venting.

Comments

[shirou]

Google calendar was also the first thing that occurred to me. There is technology to help with this problem! Use it!

I agree with you that the inclusion of the fact that the wife was drunk and high at the time of the accident was unnecessary, but otherwise I'm sympathetic with the LW. The wife is not handling this situation well. It is appropriate for her to ask the LW for help, but that doesn't give her carte blanche to fully unload her responsibilities and anger on the LW. My impression from the letter -- which may be an omission, intentional or not -- is that the wife isn't doing anything to handle her memory problems (Google calendar, sticky notes, to-do lists, etc) and instead is putting the entire responsibility for her schedule on the LW and getting angry when he doesn't live up. I'm not surprised the LW would come to resent such a move and adopt a "not my problem" attitude after some time.

I can't speak for the LW, but in his shoes, I would have no problem helping my wife make up the difference if she were doing what she was capable of. It would be a team effort. But I don't get the "team effort" vibe from the letter. I get a "one person, two jobs" vibe, and that I would have a problem with.

[left_turns]

Yeah, I was sort of hesitant to comment because I really feel where the letter writer is coming from. My mother doesn't have the anger issues, but she's having terrible memory issues, even though tests they've done show nothing unusual. But her response to it is to tell me that I "have" to remember things for her, which... no, honey, I don't. You need to write things down, and check the messages on your answering machine, and put things in your calendar. This is something where it's not inappropriate to ask for help, but you don't get to voluntell people into being your brain.