Dear Abby:Wife With Sketchy Memory Depends on Husband for Help

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: When my wife was 17 (she's now 54), she was in a car accident. She and her three friends were high and drunk. She suffered two skull fractures, which have affected her memory. She thinks it's my job to remind her of things and becomes angry to the point of hitting things when I don't do it. I feel her schedule is her responsibility. But when I tell her that, she claims I am not being "supportive." -- UNSURE IN THE SOUTH

DEAR UNSURE: In successful marriages the division of labor is usually "each according to his ability, each according to his need." Your wife's schedule should be her responsibility, and if your wife were irresponsible, I'd agree with you. However, because she suffered a traumatic brain injury, she may be unable to be as organized as you are and need your help. That said, "hitting things" when she becomes frustrated is not appropriate, and she needs to find a less threatening and destructive way of venting.

Comments

[the_rck]

I rather suspect that the TBI issues have already been getting worse. The letter writer doesn't say how long they've been married, but it's been almost forty years since the accident. Did the letter writer know about the issues before they married? If so, I'd argue that helping with them was part of the commitment. How long have they been married? If the marriage is recent, how did the wife deal with this stuff before? If the marriage is older, well, the same question still applies.

Also, how long has this been an issue? If it's relatively recent or has been getting noticeably worse/different, then seeing a neurologist is absolutely and immediately necessary. (Though, yes, possibly not economically feasible. Although, it sounds like the wife might qualify for disability which would mean some level of health care coverage.)

[cereta]

These are all good points.

[vass]

I rather suspect that the TBI issues have already been getting worse.

This. And people with previous brain injuries are at increased risk for dementia later on. I don't know offhand whether that includes being at increased risk of the dementia having an earlier onset, but it might. And brain injuries can also flare up worse if you're sick or stressed.

Did the letter writer know about the issues before they married?

And did he live with her before they married? If not, maybe he didn't know what her day to day looks like, or how bad a bad day is.

If the marriage is recent, how did the wife deal with this stuff before?

He didn't say, and it's a short letter, but it may be that he doesn't like how she dealt with this stuff before. Maybe she's handling it badly, or maybe he doesn't understand her disability and expects more than is possible. Possibly she's just chronically disorganised and panicked as a state of life, and is unable to meet the basic standard he thinks is acceptable. Or unwilling, but a lot of abled people who are unfamiliar with disability have trouble with the concept that "as good as it gets" might be way lower than "normal". In which case if he isn't willing to adjust his standards (which it's okay if he's not) then they are not compatible as a couple.

She might need a higher level of support than she's getting. And he doesn't have to be her aide (ideally someone else should be, someone not part of her family) but if she needs help to do the things then if she doesn't get that help then the things aren't gonna get done.

Also, the hitting thing might not be under her control, depending on what parts of her brain were injured. It might be the part that lets her inhibit impulses. In which case if she's injuring herself or scaring him, maybe she could carry around something soft to hit.