Care & Feeding: My Mother Seems Hellbent on Sabotaging My New Career

[minoanmiss]

I’m a recent college graduate, and I’ve started a small freelance business for graphic design. Things are going well, and building, but I moved back in with my parents to help save on costs.I do chores around the house and pay rent, but I’ll admit I’m paying about 1/5th of the market rate, and I am very grateful for the opportunity to save on costs while I’m getting myself established. However, the move back in has been a bit rough. My mother is what you could call “technologically impaired,” and she only works part-time, so she’s at home a lot. She seems to be psychologically incapable of understanding the difference between me on my computer and working, and me on my computer and not working. My room doesn’t lock either, so I can’t physically keep her out, and roughly once a day she’ll wander by when I’m working, twitter on about something pointless until I get fed up and ask her to leave so I can work on whatever project I’m doing. She’ll look hurt, apologize, promise never to do it again, and be back again the next day.

0:14
/
0:30
That was irritating enough, but earlier this morning was the final straw. I was talking with a prospective new client, and for a contract that’s pretty big from where I’m sitting. We’re going over requirements, and my mom must have heard me talking because she bustles into my room, “Oh, you’ve made a new friend” wanders over behind the screen, and starts trying to chat up the client. Needless to say, I did not get the contract, and that cost me almost a grand. We had another fight about it, and she’s promised not to come by when I’m working, but she’s broken all the other promises along those lines, so I don’t have much faith in this one. I’d move out, if I could afford to, but I can’t and I probably won’t be able to for several months at least. I’ll never be able to leave if she keeps chasing away clients. How do I make this work?

—Trying to Launch

Dear Trying to Launch,

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Living at home with your parents as an adult can be awkward, but there are literally millions of young adults like you doing the exact same thing. In order to make this temporary situation more palatable, you need to set firm boundaries with your mom. Speaking of which, kudos to you for paying rent, because setting ground rules would be even tougher if you were living there for free.

You mentioned that you’re living with both of your parents, so that means your mom’s spouse is still in the picture. I would ensure that your other parent is by your side as an ally, because interventions are more effective when more than one person approaches the individual with the problem. With both parents present, you should say something like, “Mom, I love you and I’m thankful that you are letting me stay here. My goal is to build up my business so I can afford to move out on my own, but you’re making it really difficult for me. Recently I lost out on a big contract because you interrupted an important client meeting. I know you want me to be successful, but interrupting my work is not helping. Not only is it impacting my progress, but it’s making me build resentment towards you. Again, I love you, but this has to stop.”

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With her spouse there to back you up, she should realize that she stepped in it, and will do what it takes to make things right. To ensure she really gets it, you should print up a “Do Not Disturb” sign and tape it to the door during important meetings—or if you want to be really extreme, put a large piece of furniture in front of the door that will prevent it from opening—but good grief, let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.

On the flipside, I’m sure she truly values having her son home, so you should take a small break during the workday to spend time with her. That could mean eating a snack together, walking around the block, or just listening to one of her “pointless” stories.

If you do all of the above, then the unwanted interruptions should end altogether.

Comments

[laurajv]

I'm a little surprised that C&F didn't recommend putting a hook & eye lock on the inside of the door.

[cimorene]

Sad that they really can't afford to get out because GET OUT is the only solid, workable advice. This isn't necessarily bad, but it doesn't have a very high probability of success either. The problem is that LW can't negotiate like an adult with his mother, who refuses to see and treat him as one. He can't get privacy, which is also something that is a concerning red fleg for someone's treatment of their minor children, let alone an adult one. As a house-sharer it would be a no-brainer - he'd just put this as a boundary. But this is a parent who doesn't respect his boundaries and uses emotional manipulation about it! So...??? He obviously needs to be able to close the door and have that mean he won't be interrupted for his plan to work, and I can't imagine that his mother would simply respect a lock that he installed or a Do Not Disturb sign overall, although it MIGHT prevent her from actually ruining meetings - he'd probably be paying for it constantly otherwise.

[ambyr]

This! A lot easier than shoving a dresser around.

[jadelennox]

I wonder if LW can afford an inexpensive coworking space, or if there's a local community space (cafe, library with a talking room, etc) where they can go during the day. Probably not, but it;s worth looking.

Also it doesn't seem like LW has even tried the "Working, Do Not Disturb" sign on the door solution.

[magid]

I just wanted to say I'm so glad that the answer didn't assume the other parent was a father.

[summerstorm]

This hit really close to home for me, as someone whose work wasn't taken seriously and ended up just... quitting. And I haven't done any work in four years. Then my sister got into software programming and they took HER seriously, which is endlessly infuriating. I think if I get back into it I'll have an easier time than last time, but I just. Get where the LW is coming from. A lock would probably be helpful, for both of us.

[resonant]

I really do think that getting out of the space like this is the only way LW is going to be able to do freelance work. Even if the mother was a perfect housemate from here on out, LW would always be waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Preschoolers also can't stand to see someone paying attention to anyone other than them!

[full_metal_ox]

Preschoolers also can't stand to see someone paying attention to anyone other than them!

This may in fact be part of the mother’s rationale: it’s payback time now.

[movingfinger]

Yeah, just because the door doesn't lock doesn't mean it's unchangeable. LW could also get a matching lockset (if it's recent construction it's something mass-produced) that DOES lock rather than being a passage set and swap the doorknob. (And hide that tiny allen key, LW.)

[movingfinger]

This is exactly the situation that coworking spaces are designed to prevent.

[frenzy]

I used to live in a small 1 bedroom apartment and had to work in the living room. My exhusband would ALWAYS bother me while I was working because I worked from home. Finally I just had to tell him to leave me alone unless I approach him first, or its after 4. It did work, so hopefully eventually the mom will get it.

[minoanmiss]

I hope so!

I admit I don't understand the mother's POV here.

[frenzy]

I think its the idea that even though I'm at the computer during working hours, I might just be slacking off a little, and therefore I am also available for talking and general hanging out.

I think a lot of folks have a lot of misconceptions about what working from home looks like. Obviously the early pandemic changed some of that.

[pensnest]

One of those wedges that's designed to keep a door open would also work to keep it closed.

If the LW wants to be generous to Mom, they could arrange a set coffee break time to sit down together and have a chat every morning. It might help. And everyone needs coffee breaks.