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agonyaunt2024-08-31 04:10 pm
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2024-08-31 04:10 pm
Entry tags:
Care & Feeding: Baby vs Dog
We Just Had a Baby. My Husband Won’t Admit What We Have to Do With Our Dog Now.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband has had our beloved dog “Rex” since we started dating. Rex was a puppy then, and is now 6. His breed can often live as long as 14 years. He’s always been well-socialized and behaved with both people and other dogs. But after our daughter was born, things changed. She is only 3 months old, and he growls at her frequently. Rex seems especially upset when she has my husband’s attention. Multiple times he’s growled and tried to jump up on me and knock me over during breastfeeding when he was never a jumping dog before. Two times he’s nipped at her hands when she was lying on her blanket in the living room.
We now crate Rex at night and keep them in separate rooms during the day, but I think this is dangerous. My husband committed to taking her to additional training, but it hasn’t made a difference and I think it’s time to rehome Rex for safety. We argued horribly about it. My husband refuses—he says Rex is too old to find a good home and it would be a betrayal after years of pet ownership. He thinks the new training will help and wants more time. I think injuring our child would be a bigger betrayal. It would be so bad for my marriage, rough for my job, and daycare arrangements but I’m seriously considering taking her and staying with family until we fix this. What do I do?
—Mom First, Pet Owner Second
Dear First/Second,
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This is an unhappy situation to be sure, but unfortunately not unheard of. Whether anxiety, jealousy, or something else, some dogs just do not jive with having a child around. Growls and nips are Rex’s way of communicating that he is uncomfortable—it’s the warning before the bigger reaction, and you need to pay attention to it. (Side note: Because a growl is a warning, never scold a dog for doing it, and instead intervene in whatever stressor it is that he’s warning you about.) Training, medication, and modifying your own behavior and lifestyle are all potentially viable ways to address Rex’s current discomfort. They all might also fail, and you and your husband must agree that your child’s safety comes first and figure out how to decide to throw in the towel.
I would suggest talking to the trainer together, as well as your veterinarian, about what kind of timeline is reasonable to give to the training regimen to see whether it succeeds. I would also ask them whether Rex may be a viable candidate for medication. If you can agree on either a timeline or some behavioral indicators that show Rex is making progress, that can get you and your husband back on the same team instead of butting heads.
However, the broader thing to consider is this: Even if Rex successfully completes training, will he be living comfortably in your home, or will he simply be behaving better while feeling miserable? I understand that your husband does not want to abandon his beloved pet—it’s heartbreaking to consider. But you both (and these professionals) need to determine whether living in a home with a baby is the best thing for Rex—especially if it means he’s separated from his family most of the day. Painful as it may be, a rehome may wind up being the most compassionate thing you can do for him. Many shelters and some vets have rehoming programs and will work tirelessly to ensure a pet can find a successful placement—perhaps even one where your husband can still visit Rex, if he wants that. Rex sounds like a lovely dog, and if it comes to this, I’m sure he’ll be able to find a lovely family. (And as an adopter of an adult dog myself, I promise there is a market for non-puppies out there.)
Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband has had our beloved dog “Rex” since we started dating. Rex was a puppy then, and is now 6. His breed can often live as long as 14 years. He’s always been well-socialized and behaved with both people and other dogs. But after our daughter was born, things changed. She is only 3 months old, and he growls at her frequently. Rex seems especially upset when she has my husband’s attention. Multiple times he’s growled and tried to jump up on me and knock me over during breastfeeding when he was never a jumping dog before. Two times he’s nipped at her hands when she was lying on her blanket in the living room.
We now crate Rex at night and keep them in separate rooms during the day, but I think this is dangerous. My husband committed to taking her to additional training, but it hasn’t made a difference and I think it’s time to rehome Rex for safety. We argued horribly about it. My husband refuses—he says Rex is too old to find a good home and it would be a betrayal after years of pet ownership. He thinks the new training will help and wants more time. I think injuring our child would be a bigger betrayal. It would be so bad for my marriage, rough for my job, and daycare arrangements but I’m seriously considering taking her and staying with family until we fix this. What do I do?
—Mom First, Pet Owner Second
Dear First/Second,
Advertisement
This is an unhappy situation to be sure, but unfortunately not unheard of. Whether anxiety, jealousy, or something else, some dogs just do not jive with having a child around. Growls and nips are Rex’s way of communicating that he is uncomfortable—it’s the warning before the bigger reaction, and you need to pay attention to it. (Side note: Because a growl is a warning, never scold a dog for doing it, and instead intervene in whatever stressor it is that he’s warning you about.) Training, medication, and modifying your own behavior and lifestyle are all potentially viable ways to address Rex’s current discomfort. They all might also fail, and you and your husband must agree that your child’s safety comes first and figure out how to decide to throw in the towel.
I would suggest talking to the trainer together, as well as your veterinarian, about what kind of timeline is reasonable to give to the training regimen to see whether it succeeds. I would also ask them whether Rex may be a viable candidate for medication. If you can agree on either a timeline or some behavioral indicators that show Rex is making progress, that can get you and your husband back on the same team instead of butting heads.
However, the broader thing to consider is this: Even if Rex successfully completes training, will he be living comfortably in your home, or will he simply be behaving better while feeling miserable? I understand that your husband does not want to abandon his beloved pet—it’s heartbreaking to consider. But you both (and these professionals) need to determine whether living in a home with a baby is the best thing for Rex—especially if it means he’s separated from his family most of the day. Painful as it may be, a rehome may wind up being the most compassionate thing you can do for him. Many shelters and some vets have rehoming programs and will work tirelessly to ensure a pet can find a successful placement—perhaps even one where your husband can still visit Rex, if he wants that. Rex sounds like a lovely dog, and if it comes to this, I’m sure he’ll be able to find a lovely family. (And as an adopter of an adult dog myself, I promise there is a market for non-puppies out there.)
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