agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Pay Dirt,

My husband and I are in our mid-40s and in a good year, we average a household income of about $800,000. We’ve climbed up to the tops of our fields and are making great salaries that followed suit. We have two kids (both still in elementary school). We live in an expensive city and own our (small) home. We go on nice vacations at least twice a year if not more, and can afford to send our kids to school, put them in various extracurriculars after school, babysitters, etc. We’re very well off! I know this, of course, logically. But why doesn’t it feel that way? It constantly feels like we’re trying to keep up with the other families that run in our circles and keep up appearances. We spend probably way too much on said vacations, eating out or smaller luxuries like Uber Eats, and the like. I’m constantly worrying about the next career move that I might need to make in order to get that next raise. How do I break out of this mindset? Do we need a budget just to prove to myself that we are in fact doing just fine and don’t need to worry about the next thing? Seriously, how does one make peace with this?

—Money Should Buy Peace!

Dear Money Should Buy Peace,

It’s hard to get off the hamster wheel when you’re going so fast. Part of what might be making you anxious is the idea that if you stop working so hard—to keep up appearances, to hit the next milestone —you’ll lose everything. Of course, this is an irrational fear because it sounds like you’ve got a big, healthy nest egg. But our emotions about money don’t always follow logic or reason.

A financial therapist can help you work through some of those anxieties and worries you describe. The financial psychologist Brad Klontz, for instance, talks about the four money “scripts” that complicate our relationship and behavior with our finances. It sounds like you might follow a “money status“ script. That is, you believe that having the best stuff, or the best job, is indicative of your self-worth as a person. The “money worship” script also seems pertinent here. Klontz writes, “Money Worshipers believe that money is the key to happiness. They feel that the solution to their problems is to have more money. At the same time, they believe that one can never have enough money. They find that the pursuit of money never quite satisfies them.” I’m not a psychologist or a therapist, nor do I know your history with money, but everything you describe seems to fit both of these descriptions pretty well.

Start by reading up on those scripts and challenge some of your notions and approaches to your finances. If you can find the time, book even just one session with a therapist who specializes in this sort of thing—it could be a huge boon to your mental health. They’ll give you more specific advice and might suggest some practical things you can try to challenge your notions about money. This might look like volunteering in your community or spending time away from your social circle. After all, what’s the point of having so much money if you still feel so stressed and anxious about earning more of it? You want to get to a place where it’s in the background of your life and you can focus on what really matters.

—Kristin