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Sometimes I feel like telling people they're bad parents
Dear Care and Feeding,
I am a divorced mother of an only son, “Daniel,” age 8. I had thought the divorce would make things better, but my ex has been a nightmare co-parent. He has more money than I do, and despite the terms of the settlement, he uses it to buy the affection of our child, as well as to influence him in profoundly unhealthy ways. So, for instance, near the start of the month, I noted that Daniel’s shoes had some holes in them and I went to get him some new ones. I got him a very nice pair at a very reasonable store, only to have him take them off almost as soon as he got home and put his old ratty shoes on. He said the ones I got “hurt [his] feet to wear them,” and when I asked why he didn’t say something at the store. he had the gall to lie to my face and said he did and that I didn’t pay attention.
After a day of this and a grounding for his lying, I threw out his old shoes so he’d have to wear the new ones. That worked up until the next visitation, when Daniel came back from his father’s sporting a brand-new pair of sneakers, the ones I bought nowhere in sight. Worst of all, he was super sullen about coming back home and didn’t want to talk about the shoes his father got him, accusing me of not listening to him anyway. His father did a lot of lying and gaslighting, and I’m sure he’s teaching our boy those same horrible habits. My son gets more and more unhappy to come home each time. Help me, please—I can’t stand to lose my son like this.
—Single Mother Needing Help
Dear Help,
I will take your word that your ex-husband was a liar and a creep. And I feel for you, the parent with fewer resources, who must deal with an ex who can throw money around in a way you cannot. That’s a disheartening situation, and it can really hurt to see a child start to understand the ways that you’re struggling while your ex is not.
You note that this is only the latest example of your ex “buying Daniel’s affection” and unhealthily influencing him. I don’t know what the other examples of such behavior are, but as an outsider looking in, I must say that this does not seem particularly egregious on your ex’s part. His son arrived at his house with shoes that, he said, hurt his feet; your ex bought him new shoes. I’m sure he didn’t know—I bet Daniel didn’t tell him—about the drama surrounding the old ones. Are they, like, $575 Louboutin high-tops? If so, then yes, I agree he’s buying your son’s affection. If not, then I think in this instance he was probably just buying his son shoes.
I am concerned that you are taking out your feelings about your ex on your son. It is your decision how to discipline him, but I was taken aback to hear that in addition to forcing him to wear shoes he doesn’t like, you grounded him. Maybe he did lie, yes, in hopes of getting his dad to buy him more expensive shoes. Maybe the shoes don’t even hurt his feet but he just doesn’t like them. Maybe he was afraid to tell you because he can sense the anxiety and anger coming off you in waves and doesn’t know what to do. But he is trapped in a shared-custody arrangement that is already going off the rails, and he is undoubtedly feeling sad, frightened, and lonely. Please, please cut this little guy a break. He’s not turning into your evil ex. He’s 8.
Link
I am a divorced mother of an only son, “Daniel,” age 8. I had thought the divorce would make things better, but my ex has been a nightmare co-parent. He has more money than I do, and despite the terms of the settlement, he uses it to buy the affection of our child, as well as to influence him in profoundly unhealthy ways. So, for instance, near the start of the month, I noted that Daniel’s shoes had some holes in them and I went to get him some new ones. I got him a very nice pair at a very reasonable store, only to have him take them off almost as soon as he got home and put his old ratty shoes on. He said the ones I got “hurt [his] feet to wear them,” and when I asked why he didn’t say something at the store. he had the gall to lie to my face and said he did and that I didn’t pay attention.
After a day of this and a grounding for his lying, I threw out his old shoes so he’d have to wear the new ones. That worked up until the next visitation, when Daniel came back from his father’s sporting a brand-new pair of sneakers, the ones I bought nowhere in sight. Worst of all, he was super sullen about coming back home and didn’t want to talk about the shoes his father got him, accusing me of not listening to him anyway. His father did a lot of lying and gaslighting, and I’m sure he’s teaching our boy those same horrible habits. My son gets more and more unhappy to come home each time. Help me, please—I can’t stand to lose my son like this.
—Single Mother Needing Help
Dear Help,
I will take your word that your ex-husband was a liar and a creep. And I feel for you, the parent with fewer resources, who must deal with an ex who can throw money around in a way you cannot. That’s a disheartening situation, and it can really hurt to see a child start to understand the ways that you’re struggling while your ex is not.
You note that this is only the latest example of your ex “buying Daniel’s affection” and unhealthily influencing him. I don’t know what the other examples of such behavior are, but as an outsider looking in, I must say that this does not seem particularly egregious on your ex’s part. His son arrived at his house with shoes that, he said, hurt his feet; your ex bought him new shoes. I’m sure he didn’t know—I bet Daniel didn’t tell him—about the drama surrounding the old ones. Are they, like, $575 Louboutin high-tops? If so, then yes, I agree he’s buying your son’s affection. If not, then I think in this instance he was probably just buying his son shoes.
I am concerned that you are taking out your feelings about your ex on your son. It is your decision how to discipline him, but I was taken aback to hear that in addition to forcing him to wear shoes he doesn’t like, you grounded him. Maybe he did lie, yes, in hopes of getting his dad to buy him more expensive shoes. Maybe the shoes don’t even hurt his feet but he just doesn’t like them. Maybe he was afraid to tell you because he can sense the anxiety and anger coming off you in waves and doesn’t know what to do. But he is trapped in a shared-custody arrangement that is already going off the rails, and he is undoubtedly feeling sad, frightened, and lonely. Please, please cut this little guy a break. He’s not turning into your evil ex. He’s 8.
Link
no subject
I'm not sure 1) LW would give up that much control or 2) Ex wants that much responsibility (what's that stat about how men get primary custody more than 50% of the time they request it, and so much of the reason men have primary custody less than 50% of the time is that they often don't want it). This poor kid could be stuck between two assholes, for all we know -- Ex enjoys being Permissive Expensive Gift Parent and LW is punishing the kid for being a kid and thus swayed by stuff like expensive gifts.
But what LW can control is treating her kid better, and I hope she manages to do so.
no subject
When I tried looking that up recently I couldn't find it. But what I did find is that over 90% of custody cases are settled out of court, which amounts to much the same thing - if Dad only gets every other weekend, that's because this is what he and Mom agreed to.
no subject