Annie's Mailbox: Religion and Family

[cereta]

Dear Annie: My longtime boyfriend and I recently married. My entire family was there. They adore my husband. But not a single member of his family attended our little church wedding.

The morning of our wedding, one of his sisters texted my fiance and asked whether it was "done yet." When I made a comment on my Facebook page about how amazing my new husband is, this same sister rudely commented, "Enough already."

My boyfriend finally told me that this sister thought we should marry in a Catholic church, despite the fact that I am not Catholic and both of us attend a non-Catholic church. I believe this is why his family didn't recognize our special day. I am really hurt. Should I say something or simply ignore this? -- Biting My Tongue in Colorado

Dear Colorado: Your husband should have told you about his family's religious objections before you married. An intermarriage is hardly a trivial matter, and if you have been with this man for a long time, we are surprised you were not aware of the issue. If his family is otherwise accepting, we would let this go. We also suggest you discuss the problem with your clergyperson and ask for guidance.

Comments

[cereta]

I haven't read the Annies for a while, but wow, have they not changed.

1. First, LW: have you asked your husband why none of his family showed up? Because he's explained his sister's behavior (to a limited degree), but you "believe" this is why the whole family stayed away. WTF? How have you and your husband not talked about this in great detail? Because:

1a. Whatever their objections were, he should have told you about them before the wedding occurred. Again, WTF? What did he actually say on your wedding day? Why did it get as far as him "finally" telling you about his sister's objection? Something is hinky, here. It may be something small, it may be that his family just doesn't like you, or it may be something much deeper, but there are many things he is not telling you.

2. Um, Annies? The family is clearly not "otherwise accepting," judging by the sister's behavior. And if they were otherwise on good terms, why (AGAIN) has no one actually talked about the "special day" in question.

3. There is something about the line "An intermarriage is hardly a trivial matter" that sets my teeth on edge, and I can't quite figure why.

4. All that said, I'm not sure what talking to their clergyperson is going to accomplish, unless maybe said clergyperson can toss some cold water on both of them and say, "talk to each other!"

[tielan]

Number 3 to me sounds like Annie is basically saying that LW isn't taking the marriage seriously; if LW had, then LW would have found out about the family's issues before this.

[cereta]

That makes sense. I think it was their use of the term "intermarriage" that made me blink for a few seconds, although that's My Family History; Let Me Show It.

[naath]

Eh? why care. Obviously LW isn't close to these people (or she'd know their objections...) I say fuck 'em, you don't have to like people just because they're family.

LW's clergyperson may be able to provide emotional support, if not a therapist might be helpful. But you don't have to have help to deal with 'my family sucks', you can just get on with your own life.

[rymenhild]

What on earth? This isn't an intermarriage; both members of the couple attend the same church! This is a family refusing to acknowledge their son and daughter-in-law's religious and marital choices. The answer is so off-base that it's a foul ball.

[neotoma]

... okay, first, the husband should be handling his family. They're going to respond to him, and they are the ones being pills about this marriage.

Second, LW and her husband aren't practicing Catholics, they are practicing some other denomination of Christianity, and therefore wouldn't be able to get married in a Catholic church, so WTF?!

I mean, yes, they can talk to their clergy member, but I doubt that person will be able to sort things out.

[xenacryst]

I'm afraid all I can do here is blink rapidly at both the LW and the response. You, uh, didn't know about the entire family's antagonism towards you until your wedding day? Your, uh, now sister-in-law somehow thought it was AT ALL appropriate to TEXT her brother DURING his WEDDING? Your, at the time boyfriend didn't think it important to tell you about his family's religious views and how that's shaping their dislike of you? Wow. Sounds like you have some TALKIN to do.

And then the response. Props, I guess, for being surprised that LW didn't know about the situation with the fam beforehand. But how to deal with it... They're otherwise accepting? Doesn't sound like it. I wonder what their clergeyperson can do other than patting them on the head and saying "carry on." No mention of trying to get some clarity from the husband? Sure, maybe in the grand scheme of the two of them, this little thing doesn't matter so much. But if it were me, I'd be like, five, ten years down the road when the shiny wears off, are you going to stick by me, or are you going to revert to your family, or is there a way we can all come together kumbaya?

[minoanmiss]

So much this.

[amireal]

And aside from ANYTHING and EVERYTHING else religious, the treatment from the family is unacceptable and should be nipped in the bud by the husband. There's disagreement over life choices and there's being a passive aggressive and SPECIFICALLY TIMED asshole. Which is what her new sister in law is being. I get that to some people choosing a different sect of church is on par with being morally wrong and a serious offense, but that was deliberately chosen to hurt and be rude.