Dear Abby: Advice to wives from a husband

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: Many of your published letters come from unhappy married women. Some of them seem unable to get objective advice that would make themselves and their marriages happier. I'm fortunate to be happily married (33 years) to a wonderful woman who has a clear perspective.

Three pearls of wisdom she could share:

1. Don't sulk because your husband can't read your mind. Trust him; he'd like to help. And listen to your tone as you point out how he can.

2. The way you talk about him to your friends is an expression of your fidelity. Talk about him honestly, but with respect. If you do, he'll admire and encourage your close friendships and take a sincere interest in your friends as people. If your MO is to grouse and complain about him, in his mind and heart he will feel you're abandoning him.

3. Be clear that while your husband might say he'd like to treat you like a queen, you're both better off being equals -- partners, side-by-side. In our marriage, there is no "better half." There are two halves.

It's amazing how much joy we have experienced during our years together, based on this simple foundation. My esteem for my wife only grows each year -- something that seems impossible, but then again, fantastic things usually do. -- PETER, A GRATEFUL HUSBAND

DEAR PETER: Thank you for sharing those words of wisdom because they apply to husbands as well as wives. There's a saying: The higher the pedestal, the longer the fall. Partners who treat each other as equals and with respect -- and the key word is "respect" -- usually have long-lasting and happy unions. Those who complain behind a spouse's back, who denigrate rather than elevate, do not make themselves look better or their marriages healthier. I'm glad you wrote.

Comments

[korafox]

I think I just want to facepalm and go, "Oh, honey," at this. I get the sense that this LW is genuinely trying to be loving and egalitarian and I have some hope that if someone pointed out the places where he is...engaging in stereotypes and tone policing, he *might* be willing to listen and correct himself.

That said, a variation on #2 is one of the good pieces of relationship advice my parents passed on to me. Although it's less about projecting fidelity/respect for your partner and more that if you are engaging in serious criticism to 3rd parties rather than communicating with the person in question, something is out of step in the relationship.

[shirou]

Variations of #1 and #3 are also good advice. Communicate openly and honestly. Be equal partners. The tone of the letter is dreadful throughout, but at its core, the advice isn't bad.

[cereta]

I dunno. Sometimes I have to let off steam about things that would only become worse if I confronted him about it, or would make a mountain out of a mole hill. Or things that I've communicated with him about, and we're still working on. If I'm unloading on friends instead of dealing with him about it, that's a problem, but if I need to let some of the bad feeling out so I can approach him more calmly, I don't think that's a horrible thing.

[shirou]

I think a lot depends on how each partner feels about sharing and privacy. I, personally, am a private person and would have difficulty opening up to and sharing my life with somebody who was going to talk about me to her friends. Luckily, my wife is also a private person, and neither of us has any particular need to air grievances with third parties, so we're happy with the understanding that neither of us will do so.

I can understand why the LW frames this issue in terms of fidelity and respect. If somebody finds out that his/her partner discussed with friends what he/she considered a private matter, that could feel like a betrayal. Where I think the LW goes off the rails is, first, the assumption/stereotype that the husband will prefer privacy and the wife prefer airing grievances with friends, and second, the recommendation that the wife meet her husband's needs without any regard for the wife's needs. As you pointed out, there can be advantages to talking about relationships with friends, and if somebody feels the need to do that, that person's needs should also be considered.

Better advice would be to have a conversation about both partners' needs to develop a mutual understanding of expectations of privacy.

[cereta]

You raise some good points. I mean, I don't like the fact that my spouse sometimes talks about me to other people, but I recognize that he needs it at times, and since the situations are, by and large, not something that better communication between US is going to change anything (say, my health issues), I have to give him leeway to get support that I can't necessarily give him

And likewise, I'm...sort of stuck in a situation involving him in which I'm already communicating with him about the problem, and we're doing (and he's doing) what we can to address it, but if I couldn't let off some steam to a friend, it would make the situation even harder to face. If all I ever said about him was negative, that would be bad, but purging some of my emotions so that I can face the problem feeling less overwhelmed by it is not something I feel bad about.

[firecat]

I'm with you. I reserve the right to complain about people I care about to other people I care about. If a relationship issue is affecting me emotionally/practically, being able to talk about it to people who aren't personally involved in the issue is an essential part of my support network.

[vass]

Well, I'm glad Peter's here to give objective advice on all marriages everywhere. And that his wife could share her pearls of wisdom if he were not talking for her instead.

[cereta]

That seemed to be the crux of many of the comments on Abby's site, actually: the advice itself is not bad, but (a) why isn't SHE sharing this wisdom, and (b) why is this only addressed to wives?

[kiezh]

So.... helpful of him to volunteer to be the Expert on All Wives, when he has never been one. Oh, but one of his best friends is a wife! That makes him qualified to tell wives what they're doing wrong. Obviously.

Wouldn't this letter be fascinating if it were exactly the same but addressed to husbands? Which is the role the LW actually has experience in, and might have something useful to say about?

[xenacryst]

Oh, Grateful, you're so enlightened. Here, have the cookie you so richly deserve.

[azurelunatic]

1a. Your husband can't read your mind. He may or may not have been listening to your words at the time you first said them, and would like you to repeat them again, now that he's come to see that something is actually important enough to make you upset.
1b. Your husband can't be expected to do his share of emotional labor, to calm down his wife when she is upset, or to pay attention to patterns in the relationship.
1c. Your husband can't be depended upon to create a welcoming and trusting space in which to air things that could use his help.
1d. No matter how understandably frustrated you are, your husband will ignore you or disregard your input if your emotional tone isn't where he would like it to be.

2a. Your husband owns you, and you must always remember that, even with close friends.
2b. Your husband is the judge of what constitutes "respect", and will police your tone even outside of his presence.
2c. Your husband controls who your friends are, by disapproving of and ignoring the ones he doesn't like.
2d. Don't talk to anyone else about what's going wrong within the marriage. Ever.
2e. Criticism is betrayal.

3. Okay, yeah.


(1. Nurture a welcoming and trusting environment where needs that are unmet can be discussed honestly, and worked towards meeting.

2. Spouses shouldn't be enemies; if you find yourself frequently asking your friends to be allies in a battle of you versus your spouse, something has gone very wrong.

3. Equals. Partners. Both of you treating the other one well, and expecting the same in return, and putting in equitable work according to your respective skills to complement and compensate.)