Dear Abby: Advice to wives from a husband

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: Many of your published letters come from unhappy married women. Some of them seem unable to get objective advice that would make themselves and their marriages happier. I'm fortunate to be happily married (33 years) to a wonderful woman who has a clear perspective.

Three pearls of wisdom she could share:

1. Don't sulk because your husband can't read your mind. Trust him; he'd like to help. And listen to your tone as you point out how he can.

2. The way you talk about him to your friends is an expression of your fidelity. Talk about him honestly, but with respect. If you do, he'll admire and encourage your close friendships and take a sincere interest in your friends as people. If your MO is to grouse and complain about him, in his mind and heart he will feel you're abandoning him.

3. Be clear that while your husband might say he'd like to treat you like a queen, you're both better off being equals -- partners, side-by-side. In our marriage, there is no "better half." There are two halves.

It's amazing how much joy we have experienced during our years together, based on this simple foundation. My esteem for my wife only grows each year -- something that seems impossible, but then again, fantastic things usually do. -- PETER, A GRATEFUL HUSBAND

DEAR PETER: Thank you for sharing those words of wisdom because they apply to husbands as well as wives. There's a saying: The higher the pedestal, the longer the fall. Partners who treat each other as equals and with respect -- and the key word is "respect" -- usually have long-lasting and happy unions. Those who complain behind a spouse's back, who denigrate rather than elevate, do not make themselves look better or their marriages healthier. I'm glad you wrote.

Comments

[korafox]

I think I just want to facepalm and go, "Oh, honey," at this. I get the sense that this LW is genuinely trying to be loving and egalitarian and I have some hope that if someone pointed out the places where he is...engaging in stereotypes and tone policing, he *might* be willing to listen and correct himself.

That said, a variation on #2 is one of the good pieces of relationship advice my parents passed on to me. Although it's less about projecting fidelity/respect for your partner and more that if you are engaging in serious criticism to 3rd parties rather than communicating with the person in question, something is out of step in the relationship.

[vass]

Well, I'm glad Peter's here to give objective advice on all marriages everywhere. And that his wife could share her pearls of wisdom if he were not talking for her instead.

[kiezh]

So.... helpful of him to volunteer to be the Expert on All Wives, when he has never been one. Oh, but one of his best friends is a wife! That makes him qualified to tell wives what they're doing wrong. Obviously.

Wouldn't this letter be fascinating if it were exactly the same but addressed to husbands? Which is the role the LW actually has experience in, and might have something useful to say about?

[xenacryst]

Oh, Grateful, you're so enlightened. Here, have the cookie you so richly deserve.

[azurelunatic]

1a. Your husband can't read your mind. He may or may not have been listening to your words at the time you first said them, and would like you to repeat them again, now that he's come to see that something is actually important enough to make you upset.
1b. Your husband can't be expected to do his share of emotional labor, to calm down his wife when she is upset, or to pay attention to patterns in the relationship.
1c. Your husband can't be depended upon to create a welcoming and trusting space in which to air things that could use his help.
1d. No matter how understandably frustrated you are, your husband will ignore you or disregard your input if your emotional tone isn't where he would like it to be.

2a. Your husband owns you, and you must always remember that, even with close friends.
2b. Your husband is the judge of what constitutes "respect", and will police your tone even outside of his presence.
2c. Your husband controls who your friends are, by disapproving of and ignoring the ones he doesn't like.
2d. Don't talk to anyone else about what's going wrong within the marriage. Ever.
2e. Criticism is betrayal.

3. Okay, yeah.


(1. Nurture a welcoming and trusting environment where needs that are unmet can be discussed honestly, and worked towards meeting.

2. Spouses shouldn't be enemies; if you find yourself frequently asking your friends to be allies in a battle of you versus your spouse, something has gone very wrong.

3. Equals. Partners. Both of you treating the other one well, and expecting the same in return, and putting in equitable work according to your respective skills to complement and compensate.)