cereta: Jessica Fletcher is Not Amused (Jessica Fletcher)
Lucy ([personal profile] cereta) wrote in [community profile] agonyaunt2023-07-17 08:34 pm

(no subject)

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have been very happy with my daughter’s kindergarten teachers, with one tiny exception. At her parent-teacher conference, one of her teachers greeted me with, “I feel like I never see you around here, Mom!” I’m a working mom with complicated feelings about not being able to pick up my daughter every day, so that stung! (And I’d guess that more than 90 percent of the moms at this Brooklyn school are in the same boat.) I didn’t respond in the moment, but I am considering writing her to let her know that this stuck with me, so she doesn’t lay the mom guilt on anyone else at the next event. (As an aside, my husband was at the conference too, has rarely been around the school because he also works full time, and his non-presence was not remarked upon.) The school focuses on teaching children about inclusive language and thoughtful communication. So the question is: should I say something? Or am I letting my own conflicted feelings potentially complicate my relationship with my daughter’s teacher?

—Working Mom

Dear WM,

I’m sure your conflicted feelings colored your reaction—but I am also sure that the teacher slipped up here. She was “just making conversation,” as we say, but the conversation she made was unfortunate (old timey societal conventions die hard, don’t they?). If you can find an incredibly graceful, generous, and compassionate way to mention this, I’d say go for it. She will be embarrassed, but—given the school’s culture and expectations, and the fact that you have found her to be otherwise wonderful—one can hope she’ll also be grateful to have her faux paus gently pointed out to her. (It isn’t your relationship with her I’d worry about, by the way; it’s the possibility that if she feels insulted, she’ll unconsciously take it out on your kid.) You might try something on the order of, “I’m sure you meant nothing by it, and I feel almost ashamed to mention it, but as a working mother who wishes she could be in two places at the same time, your comment about not seeing me around hit me hard.” (I confess that I would probably be tempted to add, “My husband was relieved he wasn’t called out in this way!” but since that’s passive-aggressive, I would hope I’d be able to resist.)

Or—you know—you could just let the whole thing go. Especially if it isn’t other similarly situated mothers you’re concerned about (look into your heart!), but you mostly want to make her feel as bad as she made you feel. Life’s too short for that.

—Michelle
dissectionist: A digital artwork of a biomechanical horse, head and shoulder only. It’s done in shades of grey and black and there are alien-like spines and rib-like structures over its body. (Default)

[personal profile] dissectionist 2023-07-18 03:30 pm (UTC)(link)
At one of my kid’s previous schools, we were listed as “call dad if issue is before noon, call mom if issue is after noon” because we both work from home but I work at night, so I’m asleep in the morning.

The first time they needed to talk to us in the morning but didn’t call my husband, and instead waited to talk to me that afternoon, they were politely corrected that if our attention is needed, they 100% can and should call my husband in the morning; he works from home, is just as involved a parent, and is just as capable to handle anything as I am. The second time that happened, we let them have it.

The mistake was not made a third time.