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Dear Care and Feeding,
I have been very happy with my daughter’s kindergarten teachers, with one tiny exception. At her parent-teacher conference, one of her teachers greeted me with, “I feel like I never see you around here, Mom!” I’m a working mom with complicated feelings about not being able to pick up my daughter every day, so that stung! (And I’d guess that more than 90 percent of the moms at this Brooklyn school are in the same boat.) I didn’t respond in the moment, but I am considering writing her to let her know that this stuck with me, so she doesn’t lay the mom guilt on anyone else at the next event. (As an aside, my husband was at the conference too, has rarely been around the school because he also works full time, and his non-presence was not remarked upon.) The school focuses on teaching children about inclusive language and thoughtful communication. So the question is: should I say something? Or am I letting my own conflicted feelings potentially complicate my relationship with my daughter’s teacher?
—Working Mom
Dear WM,
I’m sure your conflicted feelings colored your reaction—but I am also sure that the teacher slipped up here. She was “just making conversation,” as we say, but the conversation she made was unfortunate (old timey societal conventions die hard, don’t they?). If you can find an incredibly graceful, generous, and compassionate way to mention this, I’d say go for it. She will be embarrassed, but—given the school’s culture and expectations, and the fact that you have found her to be otherwise wonderful—one can hope she’ll also be grateful to have her faux paus gently pointed out to her. (It isn’t your relationship with her I’d worry about, by the way; it’s the possibility that if she feels insulted, she’ll unconsciously take it out on your kid.) You might try something on the order of, “I’m sure you meant nothing by it, and I feel almost ashamed to mention it, but as a working mother who wishes she could be in two places at the same time, your comment about not seeing me around hit me hard.” (I confess that I would probably be tempted to add, “My husband was relieved he wasn’t called out in this way!” but since that’s passive-aggressive, I would hope I’d be able to resist.)
Or—you know—you could just let the whole thing go. Especially if it isn’t other similarly situated mothers you’re concerned about (look into your heart!), but you mostly want to make her feel as bad as she made you feel. Life’s too short for that.
—Michelle
I have been very happy with my daughter’s kindergarten teachers, with one tiny exception. At her parent-teacher conference, one of her teachers greeted me with, “I feel like I never see you around here, Mom!” I’m a working mom with complicated feelings about not being able to pick up my daughter every day, so that stung! (And I’d guess that more than 90 percent of the moms at this Brooklyn school are in the same boat.) I didn’t respond in the moment, but I am considering writing her to let her know that this stuck with me, so she doesn’t lay the mom guilt on anyone else at the next event. (As an aside, my husband was at the conference too, has rarely been around the school because he also works full time, and his non-presence was not remarked upon.) The school focuses on teaching children about inclusive language and thoughtful communication. So the question is: should I say something? Or am I letting my own conflicted feelings potentially complicate my relationship with my daughter’s teacher?
—Working Mom
Dear WM,
I’m sure your conflicted feelings colored your reaction—but I am also sure that the teacher slipped up here. She was “just making conversation,” as we say, but the conversation she made was unfortunate (old timey societal conventions die hard, don’t they?). If you can find an incredibly graceful, generous, and compassionate way to mention this, I’d say go for it. She will be embarrassed, but—given the school’s culture and expectations, and the fact that you have found her to be otherwise wonderful—one can hope she’ll also be grateful to have her faux paus gently pointed out to her. (It isn’t your relationship with her I’d worry about, by the way; it’s the possibility that if she feels insulted, she’ll unconsciously take it out on your kid.) You might try something on the order of, “I’m sure you meant nothing by it, and I feel almost ashamed to mention it, but as a working mother who wishes she could be in two places at the same time, your comment about not seeing me around hit me hard.” (I confess that I would probably be tempted to add, “My husband was relieved he wasn’t called out in this way!” but since that’s passive-aggressive, I would hope I’d be able to resist.)
Or—you know—you could just let the whole thing go. Especially if it isn’t other similarly situated mothers you’re concerned about (look into your heart!), but you mostly want to make her feel as bad as she made you feel. Life’s too short for that.
—Michelle
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This all just reminds me of the hilarious fact that people in high school (including teachers) genuinely thought I was lying about having a dad, because he never attended any concerts, events, parent-teacher meetings, etc. They were totally chill about that, but got very upset if my mother couldn't show up for something, despite their assumption that she was a single mother and their knowledge that she was a doctor.
(Before anyone makes any assumptions, my dad was the stay-at-home partner who cooked, cleaned, kissed boo-boos, disentangled our arguments, ironed our uniforms, and got us to bed on time. He was usually doing so for my younger sister while my mother attended school stuff... and anyway he's mostly deaf and uses a walking stick so most of my school stuff was not in the slightest bit accessible.)