agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have been very happy with my daughter’s kindergarten teachers, with one tiny exception. At her parent-teacher conference, one of her teachers greeted me with, “I feel like I never see you around here, Mom!” I’m a working mom with complicated feelings about not being able to pick up my daughter every day, so that stung! (And I’d guess that more than 90 percent of the moms at this Brooklyn school are in the same boat.) I didn’t respond in the moment, but I am considering writing her to let her know that this stuck with me, so she doesn’t lay the mom guilt on anyone else at the next event. (As an aside, my husband was at the conference too, has rarely been around the school because he also works full time, and his non-presence was not remarked upon.) The school focuses on teaching children about inclusive language and thoughtful communication. So the question is: should I say something? Or am I letting my own conflicted feelings potentially complicate my relationship with my daughter’s teacher?

—Working Mom

Dear WM,

I’m sure your conflicted feelings colored your reaction—but I am also sure that the teacher slipped up here. She was “just making conversation,” as we say, but the conversation she made was unfortunate (old timey societal conventions die hard, don’t they?). If you can find an incredibly graceful, generous, and compassionate way to mention this, I’d say go for it. She will be embarrassed, but—given the school’s culture and expectations, and the fact that you have found her to be otherwise wonderful—one can hope she’ll also be grateful to have her faux paus gently pointed out to her. (It isn’t your relationship with her I’d worry about, by the way; it’s the possibility that if she feels insulted, she’ll unconsciously take it out on your kid.) You might try something on the order of, “I’m sure you meant nothing by it, and I feel almost ashamed to mention it, but as a working mother who wishes she could be in two places at the same time, your comment about not seeing me around hit me hard.” (I confess that I would probably be tempted to add, “My husband was relieved he wasn’t called out in this way!” but since that’s passive-aggressive, I would hope I’d be able to resist.)

Or—you know—you could just let the whole thing go. Especially if it isn’t other similarly situated mothers you’re concerned about (look into your heart!), but you mostly want to make her feel as bad as she made you feel. Life’s too short for that.

—Michelle

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I'm torn.

I have said things I immediately and hugely regretted. A couple times I was scolded later and because it was "merely" social I could just never talk to the other person again, but a teacher can't do that.

Maybe I'm being too sympathetic, but if this is the only sexist thing the teacher has said, and my daughter isn't coming home talking about all the things she can't do because she's a girl -- maybe make a note of it, but hold off on comment for now, and if the teacher continues in this vein even once more, send that email ? Or maybe I'm excusing bad behavior. I am not sure.

God knows I have blurted out things I regretted saying, but...okay, this might sound sanctimonious, but I think it would be a kindness to the teacher to point out that such a remark might be ill-received by moms who are already feeling society's incredibly gender-biased pressure to be active in their child's school (being room parents, etc). I don't think LW should rip the teacher up one side and down the other, but I think it would be healthier for every for her to say something gently worded about it.

Agree. As the parent of an elementary school kid who works full-time outside the home, the way schools are forced to rely on the volunteer labor of parents (during the day, during the week!) absolutely infurates me. That this labor falls largely on mothers, and therefore the teachers see the absence of the mother as the problem and it would occur to them to comment on it? Is even more grating. It's yet another way that schools are not set up to function in an environment where both parents are employed AT LEAST 40 hours a week, if not more. (I will happily admit that it's not the school's fault; it's a systemic issue perpetuated by largely male lawmakers at multiple levels of government, and... well. Right now I'm PARTICULARLY outraged at the way mothers in the U.S. are expected to bear the brunt of caregiving and the systems that do exist to help them in the summer are somehow expensive, inefficient, AND insufficient to cover an 8-hour work day, but also we're made to feel guilty for not allowing our kids to have long, lazy, summer days where they have appropriate summer-like activities while their mothers... I don't know, somehow don't have to work in the summer?)

Yeah, on further thought and further comments I think Mom should drop the teacher a line. We cannot know what's in the teacher's mind, only her actions -- I realized I was envisioning the teacher internally cringing and thinking "omg I just sounded judgy towards working mothers, I do NOT mean that, let's quickly move on and I hope no one noticed," but I realized I was adding that envisioning.

Now I'm wondering why I did. I'm normally very protective of working mothers.

Edited 2023-07-18 17:02 (UTC)

Well, you've worked at a school, so you've seen the other side of things, dealing with difficult/prickly/defensive parents. I do think it would be best for the LW to assume that the teacher didn't mean anything malicious, and just spoke without thinking. That would let her word a note that would be good for both her and the teacher.

I am also protective of good teachers, that is true. I see what you mean here

if this is the only sexist thing the teacher has said, and my daughter isn't coming home talking about all the things she can't do because she's a girl

Here is the thing, though, such comments like the ones the teacher made give the implicit message "Moms are expected to show up." If a kid was listening, they didn't hear "Mom can't do X" they heard "Moms are expected to show up more at school." If the comment was "I feel like I never see you around here Mom & Dad!" then the implicit message becomes "parents are expected to show up more at school." And if one parent is showing up at school more than the other? No need to even say anything. A simple "nice to see you again" is fine. We should not be rewarding fathers for being active fathers in their kids' lives - that should be the expectation, the same way it has been the expectation that moms are active mothers in their kids' lives for generations.

I get it - I have also blurted out things without thinking and had regret, too, but I also don't think a follow up “I’m sure you meant well, but as a working mother who wishes she could be in two places at the same time, your comment about not seeing me around hit me hard." is the end of the world, either. A simple "Thank you for letting me know. A lot of our kids come from two income families. I apologize for the impact my question made on you. From what darling $Kid'sName has told me, you and your partner are doing a great job, mom! I will be sure to stop asking this question going forward" is all the response that is needed.

If the teacher did realize she was in the wrong - really no reason to grovel. If she didn't - also no reason to grovel.

Oh I know what's wrong with the teacher's statement. ~~I'm just not sure the teacher doesn't know, as opposed to having misspoken.~~ on further consideration, this doesn't really matter, does it? Now I'm questioning myself as to why my first thought was to side with the teacher -- as I said to Cereta upthread I'm usually really protective of working mothers (growing up fundamentalist and then leaving can do that to a person)

If she does know there's no real harm reminding her and if she doesn't know it would be a benefit to both her and all the other parents and students to let her know. No one died of embarassment.

Edited 2023-07-18 17:05 (UTC)

If she does know there's no real harm reminding her and if she doesn't know it would be a benefit to both her and all the other parents and students to let her know. No one died of embarrassment.

100%! And if she realized before she gets the note - she may be too embarrassed to say something about it. I've been there. A friendly "Hey, please don't" provides the opportunity for closure if teacher realized after "oh no."