Ask a Manager: coworker keeps saying I’m too muscular

[minoanmiss]

Coworker keeps saying I’m too muscular

I am currently working in an allied health field as a practitioner in a private practice, and am (mostly) very happy with my job and my career. I am also an avid gym-goer, which has led to this problem.

We have a practice manager, “Jane,” who is not really my boss as I don’t report to her, but she is the head of the administrative side of things which I guess puts her higher up the ladder than me. We didn’t often interact until recently due to office re-arrangements.

We now see each other much more often. Jane has begun to make several comments on my body, saying that I am “too muscular,” and that she doesn’t “like men that big.” Jane has also stated that my tattoos are inappropriate (two sleeves of snakes, skulls and flowers, nothing outrageous) and insinuated that I am “intimidating” to clients, saying that clients may be physically intimidated by my physique and tattoos and also that clients who are not in good physical shape may feel insecure about my fitness. Furthermore, Jane has made comments to myself and others that I might have outbursts of “roid rage.”

I do indeed use steroids, but I have no difficulty with temper and am in fact a very quiet guy. I did not tell Jane this though, and fail to see how it’s any of her business as long as it doesn’t affect my work.

I am unsure of what to say to her, as Jane is senior to me and I hate confrontation in general, and was hoping you could help me with a script. I am especially worried that she already sees me as potentially unprofessional and aggressive, and am hopeful you can give me something that will convey that I want her to drop the issue without giving her more ammunition.

Whoa, she’s really out of line. In theory the next time she makes one of these comments, you say, “Please stop commenting on my body” or “I don’t want to talk about my body at work and it’s weird that you keep bringing this up.” Or if you think she’s the type to respond better to this, “You keep commenting on my body and it’s making me super uncomfortable and self-conscious. I just want to get my work done and your comments are making that hard.” (To be clear, you shouldn’t need to soften it like this! But I want to give you a few options because she has power and also sounds out of her gourd.)

Ideally, though, you’d skip all that and go over her head. Small medical practices are notorious for not having real management structures in place, and I’m guessing you don’t have anything like HR or even a person above Jane you could go to. But if you do, skip everything above and go to that person. If you don’t, is there someone else who’s high enough up for Jane to listen to who you could talk to about what’s going on and enlist them to speak to her?

Comments

[minoanmiss]

This man is experiencing such an enragingly clear case of sexual harassment, what the fuck.

So many commenters clutched their pearls so hard over "steroids" as if they couldn't be legitimate medicine.

Fewer but still too many (1 is too many) said "maybe Jane is right that you scare poor delicate women". I refrained from talking about the conservatism of many medical practicioners and how I find many tattoos reassuring for that reason, but omg what the hell.

I hope someone can get Jane off his back.

[conuly]

Well, those commenters can go somewhere unpleasant and spend some time alone with their thoughts, can't they.

Honestly, wtf. Also, not to put too fine a point on it, but lots of people have irrational fears about other people all the time, but it doesn't mean that other people shouldn't be allowed out in public because somebody might be scared of the ooooooh scaaaaaaaaaary whoever.

[lilysea]

Yes, you just have to look at the people who say

"people with prosthetic arms/legs should have to cover them up with clothing in public so that children never have to see prosthetic arms/legs because it might scare them"

to see how ridiculous people can be about policing other people's bodies.

[mommy]

The sexual harassment is so very blatant. Ew.

[misbegotten]

The whole situation is ludicrous -- poor LW! -- but clients who are not in good physical shape may feel insecure about my fitness in particular had me going WTF? Seriously, WTF?

[the_future_modernes]

what in the high hell is wrong with Jane? And the commenters like her?

[lilysea]

Someone needs to tell Jane that there are only very limited ways you should mention someone's body at work:

a) if their body is not covered in the appropriate safety equipment for the work task;

b) if their body is being used in a way that is likely to lead to a workplace injury;

c) if they appear to need urgent medical attention;

d) if you are asking a coworker or employee if they need help with a physical task due to an injury/disability.

e) if you are asking if someone needs the workplace to provide ergonomic or safety equipment

[naath]

as a disabled woman I reaally appreciate when health care folks can, if needed, pick me up...

also if she doesn't want to date you, uh, don't date? why is that WORK

[oursin]

When I read this my immediate thought was that the 'allied health field' was probably something like physiotherapy in which being in physically good shape is pretty much a basic qualification, and far from 'intimidating' clients that is going to give them confidence.

Anyway, how any of it is Jane's business unless clients have complained about his actual work, I do not know.

[feast_of_regrets]

Jane has crossed hard into actionable sexual harassment, but no telling whether LW would actually be able to prove. I might start carrying my phone around and leaving dictation going just in case, depending on local laws.