agonyaunt | Carolyn Hax: My niece is pregnant and her parents are being supportive

Q: Precocious Niece

So my 16 year old niece, "Susan," is pregnant, and wants to keep the child. My sister, who is 45 years old, has decided that the best path forward is to support this rash decision. My sister also had another child, a 13 year old son, and a husband. They are reasonably comfortable and functional as a family. Since Susan's first communication was that she did not want an abortion or to give the child up for adoption, my sister and her family are basically preparing to raise another child. My sister says that Susan will give birth and then go back to finish high school, and she and her husband will take over caring for this child, as if they were the parents. The plan is that this is just a little detour in Susan's path. In the meantime, they are decorating a nursery, buying baby things, planning a shower, and re-engineering their schedules so that they can care for a newborn. I am appalled that they are being so accommodating to their daughter, whose irresponsible actions has turned their lives upside down. I cannot celebrate this with them, as I am worried about the example Susan is setting for my impressionable daughters. I communicated some of this, more gently of course, to my sister, and her reaction has been to cease communicating with me. How do I restart relations with her family without making it sound like I condone their seemingly cavalier attitude toward their very young daughter's rash behaviors?

A: Carolyn Hax

You were in no position to judge. This is your sister's family, and those family members alone get to decide how they respond to this pregnancy. Whether your opinions and concerns were founded or un-, you seriously overstepped when you laid your daughter-raising conundrum on your sister to help you solve.

Until you see this, I don't see a way forward with your sister--unless she decides to forgive you for her own reasons.

Please look at your language: "just a little detour," "appalled," "accommodating," "sound like I condone," "seemingly cavalier." You are oozing contempt, darn sure you're right and expecting your sister to see that you're right.

So, may I suggest a grrr softener? The baby's coming whether anyone likes it or not; not even a 16-year-old can be ordered by others to abort or adopt; turning the pregnant teenage daughter out on her own is not a solution that tends to end well; the child had no say in his or her conception and will need a capable, loving home.

And, whoopee! the child is apparently going to get that. Maybe you can see this as a love story or lemonade-out-of-lemons story vs just a failure-of-parenting story.

And maybe you can tell your kids you're glad this baby will have a loving home, because being a parent as a teenager is one of the more difficult paths through life that a person can choose. Then let them do the bulk of the talking from there, because listening is the better part of valor with kids.

(Not coincidentally, it tend to preempt attention-seeking choices.)

Carolyn Hax: My niece is pregnant and her parents are being supportive

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