Dear Prudence: I Assumed That My Girlfriend’s Bad Attitude Meant She Was on Her Period.

[minoanmiss]

My girlfriend thinks I’m trying to undermine her. How do I prove to her I’m not? My girlfriend “Katie” (33F) and I (30M) have been dating for three months, and so far it had been going very well. I even thought we could become very serious. However, something has changed, and I’m worried that she’s getting cold feet.

This all started a few days ago, when my parents dropped by my place to chat. Katie was in the kitchen, making the two of us dinner. My parents and Katie have met a couple of times before, and they seem to get along. Additionally, Katie’s normally very calm and easygoing. However, when my mom walked into the kitchen to help out, Katie seemed to become irritated. She said that she “prefers to cook alone,” and when my mom grabbed a knife and some carrots and started to chop them up for her, Katie asked her not to cut them because they have to be cut “a certain way.” Katie told my mom that she didn’t want help and demanded that she go back into the living room area.
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I’d never seen Katie this upset, and I wasn’t happy with how she treated my mom. When my mom left the kitchen, I hugged her and said, “Sorry about that.” I asked Katie what was going on and she said nothing, but at the time, I was alarmed and suspicious. Later that evening, I had to get some groceries, and while I was at the supermarket, I decided to pick up some Midol as a nice gesture. I didn’t know if Katie was on her period, but knowing that she isn’t normally this irritable, it seemed possible to me and if she was, she might appreciate the gift. When I got back, Katie was watching the World Cup, and I silently placed the Midol on top of her bag. Katie gave me a weird look and asked why I had bought her Midol, and I said it was because of how she had acted with my mother earlier.

Katie did not like this explanation. She said she was annoyed because she didn’t want someone interfering with her cooking, not because she was on her period. She said it made her think that I don’t take her feelings seriously and am trying to “undermine the legitimacy of her emotions.” I explained that this wasn’t true, but I don’t know if she believed me. I think the damage might have been done. How can I salvage the relationship and win back Katie’s trust?
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—Midol Mishap

Dear Midol Mishap, 

You need to apologize. Giving someone medication in response to their behavior is actually pretty rude, even if their behavior wasn’t great. You were undermining her emotions by giving her the Midol, even if that isn’t what you meant to do.

I am not certain that you can salvage this three months in—if this is your first fight, it’s a big one. But owning up to your mistake is your best bet. And next time someone does or says something you don’t like, try telling them how it makes you feel instead of reaching for a bottle of pills. I am going to take your portrayal of Katie’s actions at face value to make the following point: Women, like all humans, can just be jerks sometimes. It is not really connected to the status of our menstrual cycles.

Comments

[rmc28]

My only complaint about the response is that taking LW's description of Katie's actions at face value still doesn't add up to "being a jerk". She said "I like to cook alone" and followed that up by saying "no, really, stop trying to help" and then "please leave". It's not Katie being the jerk here.

[kindkit]

Hard agree.

[mommy]

Yep.

[cereta]

Indeed. And honestly, not wanting a total stranger hovering around while you cook (especially one our culture tells us will be judgmental) and insisting on "helping" isn't exactly a weird attitude.

[jadelennox]

OH MY FUCKING GOD.

[minoanmiss]

Call WMDS or could LW redeem himself?

[dine]

I"d say it's definitely WMDS time!

if someone says, I want to do this myself, don't 'help' - listen to them. go in the other room and talk to your son if Katie isn't in the mood to chat. and for gods sake, a woman getting irritated at being ignored doesn't mean it's "that time of the month" I cannot even!

[ioplokon]

he's 30! i'd say maybe a teenager had internalized period jokes from tv or family but THIRTY earth years is enough to know this is an asshole move.

[resonant]

The Midol is bad, but the columnist doesn't even address the main thing: that the letter writer's mother repeatedly ignores Katie's clearly stated requests not to get involved in her cooking, to the point of picking up a knife and starting to chop after being asked not to!

I mean I get that different cultures and generations have different ideas about how communal a given kitchen is, so I'd cut the mom some slack right up until the point where Katie said what she wanted out loud.

It worries me that neither the letter writer nor the columnist sees this as worth mentioning.

[minoanmiss]

THIS. Don't mess with a cook's cooking! I don't think Katie was being a jerk at all.

[conuly]

Agreed.

[cimorene]

Yup! There's a grace period for making allowances for cultural differences, but it expires after you've had some time to become aware that they exist, and after that when someone explicitly states their preference you don't get an ignoring allowance.