agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR ABBY: My sister, "Dawn," recently got engaged to a man I detest. They have been dating for two years. I don't trust him, and I believe he is controlling her. He has lied to me and to my parents, and has strained Dawn's relationship with our family by constantly making her choose between either him or us.

Dawn worked hard to earn her master's degree and is now earning a great salary; her fiance has no education beyond high school, constantly switches jobs and uses my sister for financial support.

I have spoken to her multiple times in the past about my concerns, and at one point made it clear that I wouldn't attend her wedding. Now that Dawn has decided to move forward with the relationship, am I required to go? My parents, despite not supporting my sister's marrying this man, still plan to attend and are urging me to go. I don't think I can stomach seeing it. What do I do? -- OPPOSED IN NEW YORK

DEAR OPPOSED: Go to the wedding. If this man is as awful as you say he is, your sister is going to need all of the support she can get from people who love her. One of the things that insecure, controlling men try to do is isolate their victims. Letting Dawn know that you love her and will always be there for her will make it much harder for her husband to do.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

First everyone who hasn't had to deal with someone they love being involved with someone they seriously dislike, raise your hand.

*crickets chirp*

Second, I know it can be really, really hard to watch someone make a decision like that, but if in the best-worst case she just breaks up with him, and if in the worst-worst case he turns out to be abusive, creating a situation in which your sister doesn't feel like she can come to you for help is not a way to help. Like Abby says, if he really is controlling (redact whole question of whether the LW's perceptions are accurate, because they* doesn't exactly seem open to that question), the very worst thing you can do aid and abet him in isolating her from a potential source of support.

*I admit, I'm sort of fascinated by the question of the LW's gender. I mean, either way, and argument could be made that they have created a situation in which the sister is used to being controlled by people who love her, but somehow, the idea of the LW being her brother makes me even more uncomfortable with their reactions to this relationship, and I haven't yet been able to unpack why.

There's a traditional sort of idea that men are supposed to "contest ownership" of women, which gives antagonism between male relatives and male romantic partners of women a different sort of shape than antagonism between female relatives and male romantic partners? At least, that's why it might tweak me a little.

... but only a little, because sometimes people do fall for people who are bad for them and their loved ones hate seeing it, regardless of the loved ones' demographics.. I am not sure if I would recommend the LW be miserable for an afternoon on their sister's behalf, but this might be my own life experiences talking: if I were advising the LW I would tell them to make sure they have someone to sit with and quietly gripe with at the wedding, if at all possible.

Abby's advice is good, assuming that when the letter writer asks whether they're required to attend the wedding, it really is "even though I disapprove" rather than something like "to a man who regularly insults me to my face." But it may be too late: with that background, if things do get bad between Dawn and her fiance, is she going to believe "I'll always be here for you" or is she going to think "my sibling has been trying to break us up" or "I can't bear to hear 'I told you so.'"?

There are class issues here which Abby is ignoring, perhaps because it's being phrased as "he only has a high-school diploma and she worked hard for a master's" rather than explicitly "we're middle class and well off, and his family is poor." Also, "constantly switches jobs" implies that the man is in fact working most of the time: if he was usually unemployed, I'm fairly sure the letter writer would have said so.

The calm "I have spoken to her multiple times in the past about my concerns, and at one point made it clear that I wouldn't attend the wedding" suggests that Dawn's fiance may not be the only person making her choose between him and her family of origin.

It's funny how people read things, because "constantly switches jobs" coupled with the reliance on LW's sister for financial support suggests to me that this fiance is someone unreliable, who's quitting, getting fired or being pushed out of many jobs and thus drifts from one to another. Couple that with a history of dishonesty to the LW and his family, and I cannot give this man nearly the generosity you have.

Yeah, that's a toughie. I think Abby's on the right track, but yes, also, there's a bit of history within the family that could trip them up. The fiancee doesn't sound like a winner, but we're seeing him through the eyes of the LW. If I try to put myself in the sister's place, I see that my fiancee could indeed be an abuser, or I could see that my fiancee is giving me a much needed ticket out of a family that's been problematic (though possibly at some cost to myself that I haven't yet been able to see). Does that make sense? Which is to say, what are the sister's thoughts? Have they had an honest discussion, or have they had things that get labeled lies and ultimatums and manipulations?