agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR ABBY: My sister, "Dawn," recently got engaged to a man I detest. They have been dating for two years. I don't trust him, and I believe he is controlling her. He has lied to me and to my parents, and has strained Dawn's relationship with our family by constantly making her choose between either him or us.

Dawn worked hard to earn her master's degree and is now earning a great salary; her fiance has no education beyond high school, constantly switches jobs and uses my sister for financial support.

I have spoken to her multiple times in the past about my concerns, and at one point made it clear that I wouldn't attend her wedding. Now that Dawn has decided to move forward with the relationship, am I required to go? My parents, despite not supporting my sister's marrying this man, still plan to attend and are urging me to go. I don't think I can stomach seeing it. What do I do? -- OPPOSED IN NEW YORK

DEAR OPPOSED: Go to the wedding. If this man is as awful as you say he is, your sister is going to need all of the support she can get from people who love her. One of the things that insecure, controlling men try to do is isolate their victims. Letting Dawn know that you love her and will always be there for her will make it much harder for her husband to do.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Abby's advice is good, assuming that when the letter writer asks whether they're required to attend the wedding, it really is "even though I disapprove" rather than something like "to a man who regularly insults me to my face." But it may be too late: with that background, if things do get bad between Dawn and her fiance, is she going to believe "I'll always be here for you" or is she going to think "my sibling has been trying to break us up" or "I can't bear to hear 'I told you so.'"?

There are class issues here which Abby is ignoring, perhaps because it's being phrased as "he only has a high-school diploma and she worked hard for a master's" rather than explicitly "we're middle class and well off, and his family is poor." Also, "constantly switches jobs" implies that the man is in fact working most of the time: if he was usually unemployed, I'm fairly sure the letter writer would have said so.

The calm "I have spoken to her multiple times in the past about my concerns, and at one point made it clear that I wouldn't attend the wedding" suggests that Dawn's fiance may not be the only person making her choose between him and her family of origin.

It's funny how people read things, because "constantly switches jobs" coupled with the reliance on LW's sister for financial support suggests to me that this fiance is someone unreliable, who's quitting, getting fired or being pushed out of many jobs and thus drifts from one to another. Couple that with a history of dishonesty to the LW and his family, and I cannot give this man nearly the generosity you have.