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agonyaunt2022-10-26 05:13 pm
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2022-10-26 05:13 pm
Entry tags:
Dear Prudence: My brother is making a Bad Decision. How do I stop him?
Actual Title: Help! My Younger Brother’s Fake Engagement Scheme Is a Ticking Time Bomb. Q. Engaged But Not in Love: My younger brother “Matt” has been dating “Anya” for about two years. They recently got engaged. I was in town about a week ago, and Matt and Anya shared a secret with me—they aren’t into each other romantically at all. They both have had really bad luck with dating. They both really want to have kids and they’re getting older and finding it harder to see that as a possibility if they wait (Matt is 34, Anya is a bit younger but still in her 30s). Their plan is to get married, have kids, and live a “normal” life despite not loving each other in that way.
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Matt and Anya lived together for five years when Matt first moved to the city he lives in now, 10 years ago. Usually, there were other roommates, but for a while, it was just the two of them. They know that they can live together comfortably. They recently moved back in together. They spent the past two years pretending to be dating each other while having purely sexual “affairs” with other people.
I think this is such a bad idea for so many reasons, starting with the fact that two years ago they weren’t really that old. When Matt and Anya explained it to me at the moment it seemed like a solid idea because Anya has a very persuasive way of wording things, but as soon as I got to the airport I realized that the whole thing is likely to fall apart. There will eventually be someone with who one of them has sex and whom they will then fall in love with. Part of me wants to sit back and see this whole thing crash and burn, but I don’t want my brother or any future kids to be hurt. Matt told me that I am allowed to tell my wife about this, and my wife seems to think this whole thing is odd but might work since Matt and Anya have lived together for so long. Should I try to talk my brother out of this?
A: Why do they have to get married to have a kid and parent together??? It’s 2022! They can just do that without lying to the world and creating a situation that will be messy and expensive to unravel if it goes wrong. Why not just have the baby? OK, I realize Matt and Anya aren’t here to answer that question. I agree with you that it’s a bad idea. I agree that there’s a good chance that it will crash and burn. But I also think everyone will basically be fine in the end and talking Matt out of it won’t work. So, sit back and join your wife in wishing them the best.
Re: Q. Engaged But Not in Love: This is so far out of being your business or your place to comment, it may as well be on Jupiter. Butt out.
A: Correct but more important: Commenting won’t change anything.
Re: Q. Engaged But Not in Love: It’s worth noting that in many cultures, what Matt and Anya have is the basis for marriage. Compatibility and common goals versus romantic love. The latter can be fleeting, but can also emerge over time.
A: Right. But I think the difference here is that they still plan to have romantic and sexual relationships with other people, and have made this arrangement not because they believe in marriage based on common goals but because they’ve had “bad luck” with the other kind.
Re: Q. Engaged But Not in Love: Matt and Anya can parent and live together without getting married, and depending on the state in which you all live, divorcing can be an absolute nightmare, especially when kids are involved. Even amicable splits become costly and can take literal years because of the hoops your state may require.
As you point out, these two have a lot of potential living in front of them and no one knows if they will find “that one” in the future, throwing their whole arrangement into chaos. Stay perpetually engaged!
A: Exactly!!
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Matt and Anya lived together for five years when Matt first moved to the city he lives in now, 10 years ago. Usually, there were other roommates, but for a while, it was just the two of them. They know that they can live together comfortably. They recently moved back in together. They spent the past two years pretending to be dating each other while having purely sexual “affairs” with other people.
I think this is such a bad idea for so many reasons, starting with the fact that two years ago they weren’t really that old. When Matt and Anya explained it to me at the moment it seemed like a solid idea because Anya has a very persuasive way of wording things, but as soon as I got to the airport I realized that the whole thing is likely to fall apart. There will eventually be someone with who one of them has sex and whom they will then fall in love with. Part of me wants to sit back and see this whole thing crash and burn, but I don’t want my brother or any future kids to be hurt. Matt told me that I am allowed to tell my wife about this, and my wife seems to think this whole thing is odd but might work since Matt and Anya have lived together for so long. Should I try to talk my brother out of this?
A: Why do they have to get married to have a kid and parent together??? It’s 2022! They can just do that without lying to the world and creating a situation that will be messy and expensive to unravel if it goes wrong. Why not just have the baby? OK, I realize Matt and Anya aren’t here to answer that question. I agree with you that it’s a bad idea. I agree that there’s a good chance that it will crash and burn. But I also think everyone will basically be fine in the end and talking Matt out of it won’t work. So, sit back and join your wife in wishing them the best.
Re: Q. Engaged But Not in Love: This is so far out of being your business or your place to comment, it may as well be on Jupiter. Butt out.
A: Correct but more important: Commenting won’t change anything.
Re: Q. Engaged But Not in Love: It’s worth noting that in many cultures, what Matt and Anya have is the basis for marriage. Compatibility and common goals versus romantic love. The latter can be fleeting, but can also emerge over time.
A: Right. But I think the difference here is that they still plan to have romantic and sexual relationships with other people, and have made this arrangement not because they believe in marriage based on common goals but because they’ve had “bad luck” with the other kind.
Re: Q. Engaged But Not in Love: Matt and Anya can parent and live together without getting married, and depending on the state in which you all live, divorcing can be an absolute nightmare, especially when kids are involved. Even amicable splits become costly and can take literal years because of the hoops your state may require.
As you point out, these two have a lot of potential living in front of them and no one knows if they will find “that one” in the future, throwing their whole arrangement into chaos. Stay perpetually engaged!
A: Exactly!!
no subject
Unlike romantic marriages, which always last.