Care & Feeding: Do Bullies Deserve Favors?

[minoanmiss]

Dear Care and Feeding,

My son Anthony is in seventh grade and has been friends with Liam since fourth grade. They go to the same school. Liam has always seemed like a nice kid. I drive Anthony to and from school, while Liam takes the bus. Due to bullying a disabled boy on his bus, Liam was suspended from school for several days and is not allowed to ride the school bus again until January. (Another mutual friend who rides the same bus told an adult at school what was happening, but Anthony tells me that Liam doesn’t know who told.)

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I’m disturbed by what Liam did and have talked about it with Anthony. He understands how wrong Liam’s actions were. We’ve talked about carefully choosing what kind of people we associate with, and also how people who do bad things can change and grow. I’m trying to guide him without outright telling him what to do (I know how that can backfire with teens). I think I’m striking an okay balance there.

But here is my dilemma: Liam’s mom asked if he could carpool with us while he is suspended from the bus. She is a single mom with a rigid work schedule, and she cannot drive him herself. She sounded panicked about what to do. As a fellow single mom, I’m sympathetic to how hard it is. Carpooling would only add about 30 minutes total to our daily driving time, and if she needed me to do this for some other reason, I wouldn’t hesitate to say yes. But she’s in this position because her son did something very cruel. Part of me thinks, “I’m not the one who raised a kid who bullied a disabled kid. Why should I be at all inconvenienced by this?” And while I’m not forbidding Anthony from having any contact with Liam, I’m not thrilled about the idea of them spending extra time together every day either. On the other hand, maybe spending more time with Anthony will have a good influence on Liam.

What should I do?

—Carpool Conundrum

Dear Carpool Conundrum,

Coming from someone who was bullied mercilessly in middle school, it takes a ton of effort for me to show any compassion towards bullies—but I’ll try.

You’re absolutely right—you shouldn’t have to be inconvenienced due to another kid’s bad behavior. Quite frankly, I wouldn’t blame you one bit if you shrugged your shoulders and said, “Sorry, but Liam has to find another way to get to school, because I’m not doing it,” but that’s probably because of the personal trauma I have from what I endured back in the day.

Assuming you’re not as heavy-handed as I tend to be in these situations, you should consider a couple of important things before agreeing to give Liam a lift to school.

First, does Liam feel any remorse for what he did? You mentioned that Anthony understands how wrong Liam’s actions were, but how does Liam feel? Is he upset that he said something hurtful to another kid or is he upset that someone snitched on him resulting in his suspension? If he’s truly sorry, then I think it’s fine to offer a temporary carpool (only if you want to, of course). If he’s playing the victim role or complaining that people are too sensitive nowadays, then I wouldn’t let him anywhere near my kid. For example, if one of my daughter’s friends said something racist to another child, and didn’t take personal responsibility for it, I can promise you that kid would not be allowed in my car or home.

Second, is this part of a pattern of behavior for Liam? Ask Anthony if he has witnessed this type of behavior from him before. If the answer is yes, then I wouldn’t agree to give him a ride to school. I mean, being remorseful is nice and all, but if he’s regularly tormenting kids, then he clearly has a problem that must be addressed.

A big part of childhood and life is making mistakes, and if this was an isolated incident that he truly feels awful about, then I think you could lend a hand. If that’s not the case, then I wouldn’t even entertain the thought of helping out. Redemption should be earned, not assumed—especially for bullies.

Comments

[purlewe]

yeah I am torn about this bc the bully does need to go to school. And if LW can feasibly do it as a help to the bully's mom I can see this being a help for her. But I also see it as something that looks like (to other families) as condoning what the bully did. And also associating LW's kid with the bully. Can the kid walk or take public transit? maybe. maybe not. (oof I remember the over an hour rides on the bus of my youth. and I know my family now drops kids off bc 20 mins driving is less time than the hour bus ride) And while I am not a fan of Lyft or Uber, perhaps that is also an option for the bully. But maybe it isn't.

If I was LW and was friends with the mom, I would ask her about how she is handling the bullying on her end. Not in a judgmental way, but to see if there are repercussions from home. Bc if this kid wasn't getting repercussions and the mom was all "boys will be boys" about it I would NOT feel comfortable helping her out. But if there were consequences and all she needed was the bully to get to school bc of her job I probably would help her out.