Dear Prudence: My Son's Divorce Is Ruining One of My Best Friendships

[minoanmiss]

Content advisory: fertility issues, found family.

My 42-year-old son has recently filed for divorce from his wife of 12 years, over her inability to have biological children. Personally, I feel that this is horrible and petty, and while I love my son, he’s not behaving well here. That is as it is, I have spent 17 years getting to know “Jasmine,” and had we met as coworkers or at the gym, I would have considered us friends, not mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. We get along well, and previously went on frequent outings together, in which we did not talk about her relationship with my son, but about everything else.

But, and there is always a but, I don’t want to take sides here. My son is entitled to his wishes and desires, but if this happened to some other couple, I would definitely support the woman here. Is there a way forward to include her in my life, should she want that? I wouldn’t want to cause her additional pain, as she was blind-sided by his request for a divorce by being a reminder of her “failed marriage.” I had thought to write an email, letter, or text saying I was still here and to write back when she was ready, if she wanted to stay friends. But I worry that makes it seem like I don’t want to be. Honestly, at the moment, I’d rather be her mother (who is still living and a positive maternal figure as it is), than my thoughtless son’s.

Please reach out to this woman, and don’t leave any room for doubt about how much you love her and want to maintain your relationship. Honestly, maybe even tell her the part about how you’d rather be her mother. She’s hurt and she needs you, and it sounds like you need her, too. On a practical level, as you age, you are going to need support and community and I would bet she’s much more likely to be there for you than your selfish and seemingly heartless son.

Comments

[resonant]

My only issue with this is that any time people get divorced, there's all the actual reasons why a relationship stops working, and then there's the reason I tell my mother when she asks why.

It's certainly possible that the son has no other reason than that he wants to put his DNA out into the universe, and I wouldn't think much of someone like that. But it's also possible that there's a lot more going on.

Could be: "After twelve years it turns out we have nothing to say to each other, and she's persistently dismissive of my dreams, and I keep getting these intense crushes on other people because I'm craving a little warmth, and she gave her mother a key to our house without asking me, and she's frugal to the point where I feel guilty if I buy raspberries, and, oh, yeah, I want a family and she doesn't."

If I were in the mother's position ... hm. How to be fair to everyone when you can't possibly know the whole story. Maybe wait six months, or at least until the divorce is final and they've moved out of the shared house, and then decide?

[ethelmay]

Yeah, this. Both my brothers have been divorced, and we are on cordial terms with both ex-wives, and - well, let's just say it was all complicated, and no one behaved perfectly, but as far as I could tell, no one was completely terrible or unforgivable either. It was all basically decent people in over their heads kind of stuff.

[torachan]

Whether it's the real reason or not, saying you're dumping someone because they can't have kids makes you sound like an asshole. Like, if the son is such a great guy, surely he could think of a better reason. But sure, maybe the daughter in law is just a bitch.