agonyaunt | (no subject)

(no subject)

Dear Care and Feeding,

I am the mother of a seventh grader in a progressive city. My child, whom I’ll call R, was born male and never showed any hint of gender dysphoria. Shortly before completing fifth grade, R announced that they identified as non-binary and preferred “they/them” pronouns. They chose a new name and asked members of our immediate family to use this new name and pronouns; we all complied without much fanfare.

Several months later, R requested the use of a different name and the use of “she/her” pronouns. We complied with R’s second name choice (which we use to this day), but we have not switched to using “she/her” pronouns at home. As R’s parents, we have doubts about the permanence of our child’s wish to alter their gender identity and see this more as normal individuation and probably a bit of a response to the “zeitgeist.” (R is a bright, attuned kid who’s always been a little bit socially precocious.)

While R briefly raised the topic of puberty blockers after learning about it from an older kid in an online chat, they have not raised this matter again, despite several opportunities to learn more about this option, including a visit with a physician who specializes in gender identity. We arranged for counseling for R, but after one session R asked to stop, saying that they didn’t really like the therapist and didn’t think it was necessary to continue. In general R is fairly cheerful and doesn’t show any evidence of depression or anxiety. We’re supportive of the rights of transgender people, and we know and respect a number of trans people personally and professionally. However, we think that our kid is probably not authentically trans.

R has indicated to teachers, classmates, and friends that they prefer the use of “she/her” pronouns, and everyone outside the family now refers to our child as “she.” When I’ve used “they/them” pronouns when referring to R, some friends’ parents have picked up on this and asked me what pronouns they should use. I’ve responded that they should probably stick with whatever pronouns their own kids use when talking about R. When I’ve tried to discuss this with R, they’ve been very resistant to any conversation, stating, “I’ve told you what my pronouns are, you didn’t listen, and so I’m not going to talk about this anymore.”

It feels to me like this is probably all part and parcel of a (normal?) power struggle which I’ll admit I often feel like I’m losing. There’s a lot of talk about “parents’ rights,” but apart from the politics, I’m simply trying to do the best thing both for my child while respecting my own feelings about something that feels both very big and very small at the same time. It does not feel authentic to refer to my child as “she,” and I’m struggling with this. Can you advise?

— Perturbed by Pronouns

Dear Perturbed by Pronouns,

Gender is not fixed and permanent, but an evolving part of our identities. R is at a natural age to be exploring and questioning that identity. Some trans and nonbinary kids experience gender dysphoria from a young age, and some don’t until much later.

Can I definitively say children never decide they are transgender and later change their minds? No, and there is admittedly more research to be done when it comes to transgender kids. But one of the most recent studies found that children who go through social gender transitions – like changing their names and pronouns – overwhelmingly continue to identify with that gender in 5 years time. And given that this began at the end of fifth grade and R. is now in seventh grade, it’s already been an awfully long stretch of time to be considered a phase.

When cis people insist that their children are going through a phase when it comes to their sexuality and/or gender identity, I often suspect they are projecting their feelings about their own gender onto their child. After all, they can’t imagine what it would be like to live as a different gender than the one they were born into, so they imagine that their child is likely to change their mind.

The other thing that research shows is that affirming care is one thing that greatly improves the mental health and well-being of transgender and nonbinary kids. That doesn’t necessarily have to mean medical intervention—and it doesn’t sound like R. is asking for that at this time. At its core, affirming care simply means compassionately accepting and exploring a child’s statements about their gender identity.

It’s easy to forget in the long stretch of parenting young children that there will come a day when our children will grow up and will no longer be obligated to have a relationship with us. It is the quality of your connection that will determine whether they decide to continue to be a part of your life. Even if you’re right, and R’s going through a phase, she’ll likely always remember the fact that her friends, teachers, classmates, and even other people’s parents were more supportive of her than her own parent. R can change her pronouns back, but the effects of how you chose to handle her disclosure can never be reversed.

You were able to accept R’s new name, and you have been willing to connect your child with resources like a therapist and a physician who specializes in gender identity. So why do you feel the need to engage in a “power struggle” over your child’s simple request about pronouns? Some support might help you, too. I recommend seeking out your local P-Flag chapter and connecting with a group to help you process the feelings that are causing you to hold out on this issue. Ultimately, using she/her pronouns for R. hurts no one, but refusing to do so could hurt your child.

https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/09/enforcing-rules-parenting-advice.html

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Hey, LW, you know how you get out of a power struggle with your kid? It's simple: YOU STOP FIGHTING WITH YOUR KID. You say "Wow, this is really stupid. Why am I so hung up on this?" and you deal with your own issues and you use your kid's pronoun because, honestly, it's not gonna kill you.

So, in conclusion, LW can fuck off with her "zeitgeist" and her "authenticity" and their bullshit.

So basically: you're ignoring your kid's requests, you're misgendering your kid, your kid is completely aware of this, and it's driving your kid away from you. You're authentic, all right: an authentic jerk. Get better.

As R’s parents, we have doubts about the permanence of our child’s wish to alter their gender identity and see this more as normal individuation and probably a bit of a response to the “zeitgeist.” (R is a bright, attuned kid who’s always been a little bit socially precocious.)

Oh, hi. I had the misfortune of running across this dreck about how "Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria" is supposedly more common among gifted people who mistake having an intense, unique personality for being trans. My money is on LW having found similar stuff.

"Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria" usually means

"My child did not feel safe talking to me about their gender feelings until they were 100% sure - I did not see all the research and groundwork and early exploring because they did not feel safe sharing that with me"

Yeah, that! "It came on so suddenly, I think it's just a phase" translates as "I ignored all the signs because they didn't fit my preferred narrative" and/or "my kid knew I'd react badly and try to overrule them on their own identity, so they didn't say anything until they were sure enough (or desperate enough) to pick that fight."

"my kid knew I'd react badly and try to overrule them on their own identity, so they didn't say anything until they were sure enough (or desperate enough) to pick that fight."

Ding ding ding for why I never ever discussed my love life with my parents.

Oh FFS. Icould rant but I wouldn't say anything new.

Do you realize that it's possible to raise a child without there having to be a "power struggle?" It's called listening, accepting, and explaining. You might try that sometime, LW, and you might come to some understanding within yourself about why you're so eager to misgender your child.

What a hill to choose to die on! Is there some parenting manual that says you only give kids one free pronoun choice and that's it?

Also: there has to be more than one therapist out there, if *R* wants one, and more than one physician specializing in gender identity. Find different people for your kid to talk to and stand back!

Edited 2022-09-24 17:48 (UTC)

If LW cares that much about authenticity, they can spend more time thinking about whether their own gender identity and pronouns are authentic, whatever that means in this context.

Beyond that, I agree with the columnist.

LW sounds like they need therapy more than R does, although having such unsupportive parents can't exactly be conducive to R's mental health and I'm sure they'll eventually need (a good) one.

LW, you're one of those people who thinks non-binary folks are gender-lite or whatever.

You're balking at using your kid's pronouns because you want to be a progressive person, but the reality of accepting a trans kid irks you. I suggest therapy for you with someone who has experience in helping parents of trans kids come to terms with it.

Take a deep breath, let go of your expectations, and start rebuilding your relationship with your kid. Step one is using the pronouns you've been told to use.

Yeah, it sounds like they had no problem with nonbinary because it didn't really mean any actual changes and now this is freaking them out but they're still trying to tell themselves they're a good, progressive, non-transphobic person.

when our younger kid transitioned, the resources on social transition that I found emphasized that it's important for the child's mental health that they know that they can change their name/pronouns again (or back!) at any time and that their parents will continue being supportive.

and indeed, our kid went from nonbinary (they/them) to boy (he/him) and back to nonbinary (they/them) after sticking with boy for a few months.

it wasn't that hard to just go with it and make them feel like we weren't going to freak out at any stage.

LW is doing something that increases the risk of suicidality in their child and I wonder if they know that. Because I would absolutely not be doing that to my kid, I tell you what.

Yeah, I was about to cite those same statistics for using vs. resisting kids’ chosen pronouns.

(My Bonus Child uses they/them, and I do my best to scrupulously respect that.)

it's important for the child's mental health that they know that they can change their name/pronouns again (or back!) at any time and that their parents will continue being supportive.

Honestly, being supportive of your child just seems so instinctive and obvious that it's shocking so many people, like LW, go the other direction.

I mean, the supportive and unbothered face we showed to our kid was not all there was to it, and I have a LOT more sympathy now for the parents of trans people who say things like "it feels like my son died" -- I do NOT sympathize with them putting that on their kid at all, but I do understand the underlying feeling (which, as a genderweird person myself I was ABSOLUTELY not expecting to feel).

SO, I guess I understand being unsupportive inside your own head, but I do not understand being unsupportive to your child's face. That's plain bad parenting bullcrap nonsense.

I wonder if it's related to the relatively un-nuanced conception of honesty I've seen some people have, that honesty must be unfiltered and untactful or it's not 'honest'? For everyone I love there are things I won't say to them because I love them, and that goes double for the kids when what I say can have developmental effects. Or maybe more people need to internalize "support in dump out" more.

For instance I really like E's new haircut in part because it helps me remember they're NB, but I'm not going to say that to them, sheesh. Let alone if I didn't like it for that reason.

It's not actually a problem if people change their minds about what gender identity is right for them, as long as it's them changing their own minds and they're not being forced into it. I don't see why it has to be so difficult to just follow your kid's lead, especially about something like pronouns. In fact I know people who've had their kids switch pronouns more than once.

Even if you’re right, and R’s going through a phase, she’ll likely always remember the fact that her friends, teachers, classmates, and even other people’s parents were more supportive of her than her own parent.

I mean, honestly, this was all that needed to be said. LW needs to meet up with a clue x four.

Did my mom write this.

Augh I'm sorry.

Fortunately she and my dad did not particularly believe in gatekeeping anything by gender, and my father kept television out of the house, so I only started to experience gender dysphoria once I started public school and went out into the rest of the world. It's now that I've requested to be neither deadnamed nor misgendered in the written materials related to my dad's death that she's Doing A Wobbly.

If my access to medical care was being gatekept by someone who did not respect my pronouns, I would probably not push on the puberty blockers either.

Everyone has covered the fucking horrorshow that LW's gender policing of their child is, and it took me this long to get around to being able to talk about this, so I will just say that I dream of a day and a world in which it is more or less the default understanding that a person's configuration of gender and sexuality is as individual as their fucking fingerprint and it is not for anyone else to decide that for another person.

THIS.

Also, if I, a grown person not dependent on my mother at all, found it difficult to come out as non-binary to her, I can't imagine the bravery it takes as a child. Accept people (yes, even and especially children) for who they say they are and call them what they want to be called. It's not that hard.

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