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Dear Care and Feeding,
I am the mother of a seventh grader in a progressive city. My child, whom I’ll call R, was born male and never showed any hint of gender dysphoria. Shortly before completing fifth grade, R announced that they identified as non-binary and preferred “they/them” pronouns. They chose a new name and asked members of our immediate family to use this new name and pronouns; we all complied without much fanfare.
Several months later, R requested the use of a different name and the use of “she/her” pronouns. We complied with R’s second name choice (which we use to this day), but we have not switched to using “she/her” pronouns at home. As R’s parents, we have doubts about the permanence of our child’s wish to alter their gender identity and see this more as normal individuation and probably a bit of a response to the “zeitgeist.” (R is a bright, attuned kid who’s always been a little bit socially precocious.)
While R briefly raised the topic of puberty blockers after learning about it from an older kid in an online chat, they have not raised this matter again, despite several opportunities to learn more about this option, including a visit with a physician who specializes in gender identity. We arranged for counseling for R, but after one session R asked to stop, saying that they didn’t really like the therapist and didn’t think it was necessary to continue. In general R is fairly cheerful and doesn’t show any evidence of depression or anxiety. We’re supportive of the rights of transgender people, and we know and respect a number of trans people personally and professionally. However, we think that our kid is probably not authentically trans.
R has indicated to teachers, classmates, and friends that they prefer the use of “she/her” pronouns, and everyone outside the family now refers to our child as “she.” When I’ve used “they/them” pronouns when referring to R, some friends’ parents have picked up on this and asked me what pronouns they should use. I’ve responded that they should probably stick with whatever pronouns their own kids use when talking about R. When I’ve tried to discuss this with R, they’ve been very resistant to any conversation, stating, “I’ve told you what my pronouns are, you didn’t listen, and so I’m not going to talk about this anymore.”
It feels to me like this is probably all part and parcel of a (normal?) power struggle which I’ll admit I often feel like I’m losing. There’s a lot of talk about “parents’ rights,” but apart from the politics, I’m simply trying to do the best thing both for my child while respecting my own feelings about something that feels both very big and very small at the same time. It does not feel authentic to refer to my child as “she,” and I’m struggling with this. Can you advise?
— Perturbed by Pronouns
Dear Perturbed by Pronouns,
Gender is not fixed and permanent, but an evolving part of our identities. R is at a natural age to be exploring and questioning that identity. Some trans and nonbinary kids experience gender dysphoria from a young age, and some don’t until much later.
Can I definitively say children never decide they are transgender and later change their minds? No, and there is admittedly more research to be done when it comes to transgender kids. But one of the most recent studies found that children who go through social gender transitions – like changing their names and pronouns – overwhelmingly continue to identify with that gender in 5 years time. And given that this began at the end of fifth grade and R. is now in seventh grade, it’s already been an awfully long stretch of time to be considered a phase.
When cis people insist that their children are going through a phase when it comes to their sexuality and/or gender identity, I often suspect they are projecting their feelings about their own gender onto their child. After all, they can’t imagine what it would be like to live as a different gender than the one they were born into, so they imagine that their child is likely to change their mind.
The other thing that research shows is that affirming care is one thing that greatly improves the mental health and well-being of transgender and nonbinary kids. That doesn’t necessarily have to mean medical intervention—and it doesn’t sound like R. is asking for that at this time. At its core, affirming care simply means compassionately accepting and exploring a child’s statements about their gender identity.
It’s easy to forget in the long stretch of parenting young children that there will come a day when our children will grow up and will no longer be obligated to have a relationship with us. It is the quality of your connection that will determine whether they decide to continue to be a part of your life. Even if you’re right, and R’s going through a phase, she’ll likely always remember the fact that her friends, teachers, classmates, and even other people’s parents were more supportive of her than her own parent. R can change her pronouns back, but the effects of how you chose to handle her disclosure can never be reversed.
You were able to accept R’s new name, and you have been willing to connect your child with resources like a therapist and a physician who specializes in gender identity. So why do you feel the need to engage in a “power struggle” over your child’s simple request about pronouns? Some support might help you, too. I recommend seeking out your local P-Flag chapter and connecting with a group to help you process the feelings that are causing you to hold out on this issue. Ultimately, using she/her pronouns for R. hurts no one, but refusing to do so could hurt your child.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/09/enforcing-rules-parenting-advice.html
I am the mother of a seventh grader in a progressive city. My child, whom I’ll call R, was born male and never showed any hint of gender dysphoria. Shortly before completing fifth grade, R announced that they identified as non-binary and preferred “they/them” pronouns. They chose a new name and asked members of our immediate family to use this new name and pronouns; we all complied without much fanfare.
Several months later, R requested the use of a different name and the use of “she/her” pronouns. We complied with R’s second name choice (which we use to this day), but we have not switched to using “she/her” pronouns at home. As R’s parents, we have doubts about the permanence of our child’s wish to alter their gender identity and see this more as normal individuation and probably a bit of a response to the “zeitgeist.” (R is a bright, attuned kid who’s always been a little bit socially precocious.)
While R briefly raised the topic of puberty blockers after learning about it from an older kid in an online chat, they have not raised this matter again, despite several opportunities to learn more about this option, including a visit with a physician who specializes in gender identity. We arranged for counseling for R, but after one session R asked to stop, saying that they didn’t really like the therapist and didn’t think it was necessary to continue. In general R is fairly cheerful and doesn’t show any evidence of depression or anxiety. We’re supportive of the rights of transgender people, and we know and respect a number of trans people personally and professionally. However, we think that our kid is probably not authentically trans.
R has indicated to teachers, classmates, and friends that they prefer the use of “she/her” pronouns, and everyone outside the family now refers to our child as “she.” When I’ve used “they/them” pronouns when referring to R, some friends’ parents have picked up on this and asked me what pronouns they should use. I’ve responded that they should probably stick with whatever pronouns their own kids use when talking about R. When I’ve tried to discuss this with R, they’ve been very resistant to any conversation, stating, “I’ve told you what my pronouns are, you didn’t listen, and so I’m not going to talk about this anymore.”
It feels to me like this is probably all part and parcel of a (normal?) power struggle which I’ll admit I often feel like I’m losing. There’s a lot of talk about “parents’ rights,” but apart from the politics, I’m simply trying to do the best thing both for my child while respecting my own feelings about something that feels both very big and very small at the same time. It does not feel authentic to refer to my child as “she,” and I’m struggling with this. Can you advise?
— Perturbed by Pronouns
Dear Perturbed by Pronouns,
Gender is not fixed and permanent, but an evolving part of our identities. R is at a natural age to be exploring and questioning that identity. Some trans and nonbinary kids experience gender dysphoria from a young age, and some don’t until much later.
Can I definitively say children never decide they are transgender and later change their minds? No, and there is admittedly more research to be done when it comes to transgender kids. But one of the most recent studies found that children who go through social gender transitions – like changing their names and pronouns – overwhelmingly continue to identify with that gender in 5 years time. And given that this began at the end of fifth grade and R. is now in seventh grade, it’s already been an awfully long stretch of time to be considered a phase.
When cis people insist that their children are going through a phase when it comes to their sexuality and/or gender identity, I often suspect they are projecting their feelings about their own gender onto their child. After all, they can’t imagine what it would be like to live as a different gender than the one they were born into, so they imagine that their child is likely to change their mind.
The other thing that research shows is that affirming care is one thing that greatly improves the mental health and well-being of transgender and nonbinary kids. That doesn’t necessarily have to mean medical intervention—and it doesn’t sound like R. is asking for that at this time. At its core, affirming care simply means compassionately accepting and exploring a child’s statements about their gender identity.
It’s easy to forget in the long stretch of parenting young children that there will come a day when our children will grow up and will no longer be obligated to have a relationship with us. It is the quality of your connection that will determine whether they decide to continue to be a part of your life. Even if you’re right, and R’s going through a phase, she’ll likely always remember the fact that her friends, teachers, classmates, and even other people’s parents were more supportive of her than her own parent. R can change her pronouns back, but the effects of how you chose to handle her disclosure can never be reversed.
You were able to accept R’s new name, and you have been willing to connect your child with resources like a therapist and a physician who specializes in gender identity. So why do you feel the need to engage in a “power struggle” over your child’s simple request about pronouns? Some support might help you, too. I recommend seeking out your local P-Flag chapter and connecting with a group to help you process the feelings that are causing you to hold out on this issue. Ultimately, using she/her pronouns for R. hurts no one, but refusing to do so could hurt your child.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/09/enforcing-rules-parenting-advice.html
no subject
For instance I really like E's new haircut in part because it helps me remember they're NB, but I'm not going to say that to them, sheesh. Let alone if I didn't like it for that reason.