I don't actually know wtf is going on in this letter, it's all over the place

[conuly]

Dear Annie: I recently read your column in which you gave advice on how to deal with a toxic relationship between a mother and adult daughter. I have a similar issue with my 26-year-old daughter who lives with me after my recent divorce. Long story short, my daughter and I have had a tumultuous relationship since she was about 12. Every time she likes a guy or gets attention from a guy, she's really nasty to me, like she doesn't need me or something.

I had her when I was 16, so we practically grew up together. I feel like I was a decent parent and did the best I could. Seven years ago, she was in a toxic relationship with a man, and they broke up after a three-year relationship. She has not gotten over this, and it was a huge problem for at least two years after the breakup because she was still back and forth with him (and I think still is).

Recently, I got divorced from her stepfather. I was seeing someone who I had a major blowout with and then made up and became friends with. My daughter despises this guy and states I can't even have a friendship with him. She says he's not allowed here and, in one instance, came home and told him to leave as soon as she saw him.

She really put me down afterward. She told me that he was ruining our relationship. I have been open and honest with her that our relationship has always had its ups and downs. I told her that I can be friends with whoever I want. I asked her to go to therapy with me, but she adamantly refused. I have lost hope. Please help! -- Feeling Hopeless

Dear Feeling Hopeless: Perhaps what you and your daughter need is some time and space from one another. At 26 years old, your daughter is an adult and hopefully past the point of needing to live under your roof. You certainly don't need her dictating who you can and can't spend time with or putting you down for the choices you make.

Encourage your daughter to look for a place of her own. Strengthening a relationship like this takes time and plenty of patience, but with the added distance, both of your hearts may grow fonder of each other. And just because your daughter has refused to go into therapy with you doesn't mean you can't go on your own. Take the time to heal and work through your personal journey; you owe it to yourself.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2707524

Comments

[conuly]

There is so much going on, and I don't even know, but I do find it curious that LW doesn't even allude to the reason her daughter hates this man. I mean, there must be some reason, and maybe it's a really good one! Daughter must have told her, so why doesn't she tell us?

[cimorene]

That was my immediate reaction. The daughter's reported statements sound like a boundary in response to something that she, at least, considers a really huge deal, and the rest of the letter doesn't inspire confidence in the writer.

[azurelunatic]

"...She's really nasty to me, like she doesn't need me or something" sounds at first like the daughter is saying things that a reasonable person would consider hurtful, with the motivation that the daughter feels like she is free to insult her mother.

But "She really put me down afterward. She told me that he was ruining our relationship," sounds more like mom here interprets anything slightly negative as a personal attack. Which makes me wonder if "like she doesn't need me" is the insult, and anything short of full emotional dependence is interpreted as an attack. Which would be a Problem.

[ethelmay]

I actually think that first expression is also kind of a tell. I mean, the implication is that it's normal to be nasty to people you don't need something from.

[azurelunatic]

Or at least nearly consequence-free.

[azurelunatic]

look, you're 42. I'm 42. It sounds like you're trying to draw a comparison between your daughter's relationship when she was 19-22, and your current friendship with your dude friend who you had the "major blowout" with. What was that blowout about? Was the topic in some way related to your daughter? Or did she merely wind up observing this dude's bad effects on you the same way you witnessed her toxic dude having bad effects on her? Would her toxic ex be allowed in the house?

Definitely go to therapy! It's excellent to work through stuff that's on your mind with a professional who is not connected to the situation.

(I'm not being fully fair here. I had the opportunity to spend ages 16-20 without the complicating factors of pregnancy, childbirth, childcare, and parenting, and I was only the backup adult to my nephew who arrived fully formed at 4 in my 20s. Even though my foster daughter is the same age as LW's daughter, she arrived in my life at 13, and I had the luxury of always feeling like the adult.)

[ethelmay]

Not that it matters terribly, but I am confused about the timeline implied by a three-year relationship seven years ago. Did the daughter have a relationship that started when she was 19 and was (mostly) broken off when she was 22, or a relationship that started when she was 16 and was (mostly) broken off when she was 19? It seems kind of different. But I wouldn't personally call the first example "seven years ago" if it ended only four years ago.

The pattern I am seeing (and it may or may not be a real one, as the letter isn't so much to go on) is that both of them are doing this thing where they break up with a partner and then go back to them, and they're also kind of doing this with each other.

[purlewe]

ding ding ding! I totally felt that way.

[mommy]

I read it as the three year relationship more or less ended seven years ago. I'm not sure why a high school romance is relevant to the rest of the letter, though.

[mommy]

This letter feels oddly incoherent. What does "a major blowout" mean, and was the LW dating her friend during the divorce with her husband? The last paragraph suggests the daughter clearly stated why this man is a problem at some point, so why did the LW skip that detail entirely? And how is the daughter's teenage romance from seven years ago even relevant to the issue of the LW bringing this man into her home?

[jadelennox]

Annie is assuming that Daughter lives under LW's roof, and LW pays the rent and can afford to live on her own if Daughter moves out. There is not enough evidence to make this assumption, and Annie is assuming that on stereotypes.

[ethelmay]

They may neither of them be able to afford rent on their own, meaning they are stuck living together when they're not in a state to get along. It's seldom safe to assume that the financial aspect is irrelevant, even when the LW doesn't mention it specifically, and there are no clues that would lead me to believe that either of them is likely to be well off.

[shirou]

I often distrust vague LWs because I assume they are hiding something. That is certainly the case here.