Care & Feeding: Teen Romance

[minoanmiss]

My daughters have pledged for years that they’ll never get married or have children; the middle school one is gender-fluid and the older one never has a good thing to say about high school boys. (Can you blame her?) We’re taking each day as it comes and being supportive, and most of all, we’re listening to each other as much as possible.

Yesterday, there was a sudden change in the older one. She had a goofy look on her face while sharing an email exchange she’d had with a male friend, and then she literally twirled around the kitchen floor, giggling about how she found a nice person and how much she looks forward to spending the lunch period with him every day.

I’m excited that she has opened herself to the possibility of emotional intimacy with someone outside the family. My question is this: How can I best support her? He is a special-needs student. I don’t know what his needs are—he may be on the autism spectrum or have a developmental disability. I haven’t pried much, because in many ways, I know that it does not matter at all.

On the other hand: I know I am coming off like a total asshole in saying this, but my personality mandated that I dated people who were at least as smart as me. We’re certainly not at the dowry stage or anything. For now, I am trying hard not to project what I wanted when I was 16 on her situation. I’m just listening and offering opportunities for her to invite him over to hang out and play Mario Kart or watch Doctor Who. Should we also invite his mom? She’s very involved with him, and my kid feels like the mom gives her stink eye when she sees them together. More generally, can you advise me on how to support my Mensa-level daughter, who’s crushing on a special-education boy?
—Daughter’s First Crush

Dear DFC,
Ah, love. The worst good thing to happen to anyone. It is entirely normal for a parent to wonder about the details of their child’s latest (or in this case, first) suitor. And you needn’t be too worried about prying. It’s perfectly appropriate to learn about the finer points of your daughter’s situation. The question, really, is how best to do this. No teen likes to be interrogated. Just like in the after-school specials and heartfelt detergent commercials, I can often get kids to talk during seemingly unrelated activities: errand-running, cooking, shooting baskets in the driveway, whatever.

I would advise asking but not demanding. She knows what she’s doing, mom—she believes—so you must not create the impression that you doubt that. Instead, let the details unfold naturally. Kids only talk if you are willing to listen, and you are only willing to listen if you suspend judgment, so suspend judgment. Meet each new piece of information with an encouraging nod, an “mm-hm,” an occasional “that makes sense.”

There are some clear ways to support teens in love that I think are true regardless of the particulars of the situation. One of them is letting them make their own mistakes. As a parent, it is frightening to take this attitude, but it is key. You’re there to prevent harm, prevent pregnancies, and prevent abuse or violent neglect. Think of yourself as something like a referee in an Olympic wrestling match: Your primary job is to keep the participants within the boundaries. Within those bounds, the participants are free to do as much struggling and learning as they need to.

You are on the right track by inviting him to the home for video games and cookies. This gives you an opportunity to observe things about him and about your daughter that you might not otherwise have noticed. (It is unfortunate that your daughter doesn’t feel the same openness from his mother, but that’s a problem you neither can, nor need to, control.) It is generally good practice to keep teenagers as close to home as you can (which you can’t) so you can really know what’s going on (which you never fully do).

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, allow yourself to be surprised. You already know what you and your daughter have in common, but be open to learning what you don’t. Whatever we experienced decades ago in our own teenage loves makes a nice background, but we must accept that it is no longer foreground. Your daughter wants to be her own person. Maybe the single best way to support her is to let her be.

—Carvell

Comments

[laurajv]

I think that is a good way to think of it, yes!