Care & Feeding: Teen Romance

[minoanmiss]

My daughters have pledged for years that they’ll never get married or have children; the middle school one is gender-fluid and the older one never has a good thing to say about high school boys. (Can you blame her?) We’re taking each day as it comes and being supportive, and most of all, we’re listening to each other as much as possible.

Yesterday, there was a sudden change in the older one. She had a goofy look on her face while sharing an email exchange she’d had with a male friend, and then she literally twirled around the kitchen floor, giggling about how she found a nice person and how much she looks forward to spending the lunch period with him every day.

I’m excited that she has opened herself to the possibility of emotional intimacy with someone outside the family. My question is this: How can I best support her? He is a special-needs student. I don’t know what his needs are—he may be on the autism spectrum or have a developmental disability. I haven’t pried much, because in many ways, I know that it does not matter at all.

On the other hand: I know I am coming off like a total asshole in saying this, but my personality mandated that I dated people who were at least as smart as me. We’re certainly not at the dowry stage or anything. For now, I am trying hard not to project what I wanted when I was 16 on her situation. I’m just listening and offering opportunities for her to invite him over to hang out and play Mario Kart or watch Doctor Who. Should we also invite his mom? She’s very involved with him, and my kid feels like the mom gives her stink eye when she sees them together. More generally, can you advise me on how to support my Mensa-level daughter, who’s crushing on a special-education boy?
—Daughter’s First Crush

Dear DFC,
Ah, love. The worst good thing to happen to anyone. It is entirely normal for a parent to wonder about the details of their child’s latest (or in this case, first) suitor. And you needn’t be too worried about prying. It’s perfectly appropriate to learn about the finer points of your daughter’s situation. The question, really, is how best to do this. No teen likes to be interrogated. Just like in the after-school specials and heartfelt detergent commercials, I can often get kids to talk during seemingly unrelated activities: errand-running, cooking, shooting baskets in the driveway, whatever.

I would advise asking but not demanding. She knows what she’s doing, mom—she believes—so you must not create the impression that you doubt that. Instead, let the details unfold naturally. Kids only talk if you are willing to listen, and you are only willing to listen if you suspend judgment, so suspend judgment. Meet each new piece of information with an encouraging nod, an “mm-hm,” an occasional “that makes sense.”

There are some clear ways to support teens in love that I think are true regardless of the particulars of the situation. One of them is letting them make their own mistakes. As a parent, it is frightening to take this attitude, but it is key. You’re there to prevent harm, prevent pregnancies, and prevent abuse or violent neglect. Think of yourself as something like a referee in an Olympic wrestling match: Your primary job is to keep the participants within the boundaries. Within those bounds, the participants are free to do as much struggling and learning as they need to.

You are on the right track by inviting him to the home for video games and cookies. This gives you an opportunity to observe things about him and about your daughter that you might not otherwise have noticed. (It is unfortunate that your daughter doesn’t feel the same openness from his mother, but that’s a problem you neither can, nor need to, control.) It is generally good practice to keep teenagers as close to home as you can (which you can’t) so you can really know what’s going on (which you never fully do).

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, allow yourself to be surprised. You already know what you and your daughter have in common, but be open to learning what you don’t. Whatever we experienced decades ago in our own teenage loves makes a nice background, but we must accept that it is no longer foreground. Your daughter wants to be her own person. Maybe the single best way to support her is to let her be.

—Carvell

Comments

[minoanmiss]

Dear LW,

In addition to Carvell's bland but serviceable advice, let me advise you on this: you are an ableist snot. If I wrote this reply would have pointed this out around the time I advised you to invite this young man over --- while you get to know him as a person maybe you can revise your assumptions on the worth and intelligence of someone who's in special education because he needs certain kinds of assistance rather than because he's a lesser life form.

Feh.

[melannen]

+1 LW you know nothing about this boy, it's possible he is your daughter's intellectual equal.

And if he isn't, the best thing you can do for support is teach your daughter how to treat people who aren't as book-smart as her like her equals (because they are) but it sounds like you might be better off learning that from her.

[shanaqui]

My mother was always judgemental of my friends and now my partner for being less intelligent than me. She feels that my lack of ambition is due to my wife "dragging me down", rather than the fact that I'm just... not interested in the kind of success my mother pictures.

She also drips poison, claiming that my intelligence will cause friction between us. It certainly would if I acted like her!

(Also, I might be smart but there are lots of things I can't do; my wife tutored me in medical statistics so I could pass my epidemiology course. So pffbbbttt.)

Anyway, all of that to say ughhh, this parent needs to get over themselves.

ALSO, friendship and squishes exist and can also be giddy-making. Parent needs to not get ahead of themselves, too.

[purlewe]

I felt Carvell was trying to show how far back LW needs to stand so that their shadow doesn't overwhelm their kid and their new love. But yes to alll of the ableist bullshit that should have been pointed out.

[movingfinger]

If possible, invite several friends of Daughter and Romantic Interest to your home for a game hangout or movie evening, LW! Four or five total. That takes the pressure of them (self-imposed) and if it goes well will assuage any concerns Romantic Interest's mother might have about it.

I personally think it would be better if they hung out at the other kid's house, given this woman's attitude, but if his mother has reservations (justified if she's met LW), she's probably not going to invite anyone.

[cimorene]

I hope for the kid's sake that this parent manages not to spew any awful ableism actually AT them.

But also I can't help thinking that the level of obsession with intelligence specifically that she's evincing here seems to indicate someone in desperate need of therapy.

[ethelmay]

This jumped out at me: "I’m excited that she has opened herself to the possibility of emotional intimacy with someone outside the family." Does her daughter not have friends? appear to resist making friends? I'm wondering if in fact LW's kids aren't all that neurotypical, and the worry is that her daughter is making friends with a kid who has a LABEL and that is TERRIBAD because people will think she too might need a LABEL, and that would mean she isn't SMART and of course she's SMART. (And I might be going overboard as regards the LW, but I have definitely met people who think this way.)

Or maybe she just thinks regular friendships don't count as what she means by "emotional intimacy," but in that case the contrast with "outside the family" is kind of oogy.

[conuly]

Intelligence is an overrated metric, and LW needs some... I don't know what LW needs, but they need it soon, because they should really not be harping so much on it.

(Also? You can be in special education AND be very intelligent, though that's NOT the takeaway LW should be having here!)

[lethe1]

+1

[lethe1]

+1

[gingicat]

+11111

[torachan]

There is nothing contradictory about not wanting to get married and have kids and maybe having a high school boyfriend.

The mom's reaction is all over the place, treating this as step towards marriage (as much as she says "we're not at the dowry stage") and also treating them like five year olds. Fuck no, don't invite the guy's mom over to their play date!

[ashbet]

Yeah, I’m not going to respond with “He could be JUST AS SMART and need support for issues that have nothing to do with intelligence,” because even if he DOES have an intellectual disability, he is STILL A WORTHY HUMAN BEING.

(I will, however, note that someone close to me has three degrees and is a published author, but also has severe dyslexia and uses talk-to text for everything, and a transcriptionist for the books.)

[laurajv]

this lady should be in group therapy with my father (one of the reasons I am low contact with him is he firmly believes that i married "below" me in the intelligence department, which is ridiculously offensive)

[cimorene]

Oh yikes...

[cimorene]

Ohh, that too! I noticed it at the time (very wtf) but forgot it in the onslaught of horror from the remainder of the letter.

[laurajv]

it's one of those things where I honestly can't decide if it's more offensive if it's factually correct or if it's factually incorrect, or perhaps it's just some ouroboros of offensiveness?

[cimorene]

I think it might be independent of factual qualities at all. Like if someone made an observation without value judgment about, idk, analytical reasoning abilities or IQ scores, it could go into conversation without rancor. It's the assumption that this particular difference, unlike all the other ways you're not expected to be exactly equal to your partner, constitutes a gulf in your value as people, or at least a deal-breaker for compatibility that has any real significance. Nobody would say that someone married "below" them in artistic talent or lung capacity or hair curliness, you know? It's nonsensical.

[laurajv]

I think that is a good way to think of it, yes!