Ask Amy: Grandma gets steamed by snippy, self-absorbed grandchild’s response to much needed donation

[shanaqui]

Dear Amy: My 26-year-old grandchild “Sal” (and roommates) lost everything in a fire earlier this year. I reached out through Facebook to lament their loss, and many of my friends responded through donating money generously.

The (quite substantial) check was made out to me. They instructed me to handle it any way I thought best.

I contacted Sal and asked how I should get them this money. The response was that they would pick it up sometime in the future from their parents and would share it with roommates.

I know that this young adult is in dire financial straits right now, so I remarked something to the effect that I knew that Sal could probably use the money sooner rather than later.

The response from Sal was: “Please do not give me unsolicited financial advice again. I’m very busy with this gig and can’t help you to set up Venmo. If you can cash the check and give it to my parents, I’ll pick it up from them sometime in the next few weeks.”

I responded (sarcastically) that I was sorry to have offended, and that I could assure Sal that it would never happen again.

Sal responded, “Thank you!” (Obviously the sarcasm went right over their head.)

I truly don’t know what to do. I’m offended by the snippy, self-absorbed response; by the rudeness of it to anyone, particularly a grandmother.

I put the money into my savings account.

I admit I am very angry. To add insult to injury, Sal has never written one thank you email to any of my friends who donated to these funds, despite my sending along their email addresses.

Please give me some guidance here. I’m torn between family duty, and giving this young person a lesson they’ll not forget.

– Offended Gran

Dear Gran: You could play this two ways: Don’t respond at all, and don’t do anything, forcing “Sal” to contact you directly regarding the money.

The second response would be to craft a short, warmly-worded email (lose the sarcasm): “You’ve given me many moments of pride as I’ve watched you grow into an adult. This is not one of them. I know you’ve been through a lot, but there are times through life when it is vital that you remember to treat others as you would like to be treated. This IS one of them. My friends and I rallied and answered a need. When you can figure out how to respond to this generosity with gratitude, I’ll be happy to send these funds to you. I’d also be happy (with my friends’ permission) to donate it to your town’s fire and rescue squad. You decide. Love always, Gran. PS: I figured out how to use Venmo!” (It’s easy!)

Comments

[kiezh]

I don't think LW's goal was ever to help Sal; if it were, transferring the money as asked would have been the obvious way to do it, you're right. I think LW's goal was to put on a dramatic public performance of Magnanimous Savior and Best Grandma Ever, using Sal as an excuse (there's no indication that Sal actually *asked* for LW's Facebook fundraising).

The Facebook friends played along and showered her with praise and money, but Sal didn't follow the script - Sal didn't drop everything and grovel with gratitude, or send messages to LW's friends to affirm how awesome LW is. LW feels like she was OWED that performance and has been horribly wronged. She is so deep in this delusion that I don't think she even noticed that she admitted to stealing money and defrauding her friends in her letter.

LW has, at this point, done nothing at all for Sal except harass them and taunt them with the possibility of money (which was conditional from the start - I doubt this is the first time Sal has been on this ride, which is why they're keeping their distance and refusing to engage). But facts are irrelevant to LW: in her head, she is firmly cast as the Selflessly Generous Grandmother, and Sal as the Ungrateful Child who needs to be punished for misbehaving. So to her, giving Sal the money (which was collected in the name of and intended for Sal!) would be rewarding disrespect, rather than... doing what she publicly promised her friends she would do.

[kiezh]

Ugh, this letter keeps unfolding into more layers of awful in my head. I think the reason that she's not refunding the money in her snit is because it would ruin the narrative.

As far as her generous friends are concerned, the story is still that LW is swooping in to save and help her precious grandchild. Returning that money would mean admitting that the story wasn't the way she told it - either reversing course to blame her grandkid for being terrible and undeserving, which might come off very badly after the prior tragic wailing about Sal LOSING EVERYTHING, or admitting that she hadn't been asked to raise that money and is not on good terms with her grandchild.

(Possibly not with the grandchild's parents, either, given that she really does not want to go through them to give the money. Wonder what the story is there. How many of LW's family members have learned by now to avoid the strings attached to Grandma's "help"? How desperate to reattach those strings does LW have to be, to make a unsolicited fuss on her own FB about someone else's tragedy, as if to bribe/extort her way back into having power over people she's alienated?)

[purlewe]

DING DING DING

There we have it.

This was always about LW. And Sal didn't follow their plan. And the longer they hold onto that money the less it was about helping Sal.