Dear Care & Feeding: Little Free Pantry Misuse

[minoanmiss]

Dear Care and Feeding,

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have a “little free pantry” in front of my house that I’m happy to host for neighbors in need. I live in a neighborhood that’s somewhat mixed-class—many single-family homes, town houses, apartments all on the same block. But the neighborhood is on the higher end of well-off, or at least it was before the pandemic hit nearly everyone, and at least my immediate neighborhood is very white. One of the only Black families in the area has a 7-year-old boy “Joe” who is on-again-off-again friends with my 6-year-old boy. I often see Joe coming to the pantry, and when he comes to play in our yard, he sometimes opens a bag and snacks on it—but leaves it there. (I’ve recently seen him do this with both cereal and a box of dry spaghetti.) Usually the food I see him get is on the snacky side. He’s occasionally told me that he hasn’t eaten a meal, and they have a lot of people to keep up on a single income: He lives with a working-class father, an elderly great-grandparent, and a small cousin, but I’ve only met the GG as he seemed hesitant to go get the dad when I went to introduce myself. So to my question: Part of me thinks I should talk to the dad about his son’s (mis)use of the pantry—I’d want someone to tell me if my son was doing this. But the other part of me isn’t sure it’s my business, and I don’t want to embarrass the father or cut off a source of food for Joe if he really needs it. What should I do?


—Concerned Neighbor

Dear Concerned,

First off, I think it’s wonderful that you’re providing free food to families in need. I’m also glad you’ve noticed that this boy may not be eating well, because that could be a sign of serious issues.

Before you get the family involved, I think you should contact the school to mention to the school counselor what he has told you about possible food insecurity, so that they can ensure—if needed—that the boy is getting free meals at school. Many kids of that age may be unaware of the resources schools provide, and that could potentially solve the problem without having to endure an uncomfortable encounter with his dad. I’d go that route rather than talking to his guardians directly about food resources, because you don’t want to come off as a white savior who is taking it upon yourself to rescue this child (you mentioned that you live in a predominately white neighborhood, so I’m under the assumption you are white as well). I offer that warning because many Black people despise receiving unsolicited parenting advice from random white people, regardless of their good intentions.

Regarding the lower-stakes issues, maybe I’m missing something here, but this seems to be a pretty simple fix. It doesn’t matter if your concerns are with how he’s disposing of trash or with him taking food that requires cooking—if you have something on your property that’s being misused, you have every right to instruct the person how to use it. Even though we’re talking about a 7-year-old child, it can still be done effectively as long as you approach him with kindness and empathy. I mean, how many kids that age would understand “free pantry etiquette”?

Don’t talk about the things he’s doing wrong when you speak with him, because that will only make him feel a sense of shame over something he has no clue about. Instead you should discuss the desired outcome by saying something as simple as “Hi, kiddo, just so you know, this is how we should use the pantry. Let me know if you have any questions.” Chances are that will be the end of it and you can move on.

In the event the undesired behavior continues, you’ll need to determine how high the personal stakes are for you to have that behavior corrected. Personally, it wouldn’t be a big enough deal to me to escalate matters by approaching his dad, but you may feel differently and that’s perfectly fine. In doing so, you should be aware of the potential of his son being disciplined over his misuse of the pantry, and I’m pretty sure we can both agree that would be awful.

I think the best move here is to coach the child in private—maybe even more than once if necessary, but outside of that, I think you should let it go. As annoying as the behavior may seem to you, the main thing is you’re providing a food source to a child who apparently needs it, and that’s worth a lot.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

My first reaction was "is it so hard to talk to a kid?" but then my second was "otoh, I'm glad LW wrote in so the advisor could encourage her to be non-punitive in how she talks to the kid." Hmm.

also, I really need to get to my local LFP and fill it.

[azurelunatic]

Also, LW, if you're noticing that Joe is often snacking out of the LFP while the kids are playing ... maybe serve snacks?????!

[jadelennox]

I don’t want to embarrass the father or cut off a source of food for Joe if he really needs it

Stop. Means-testing. Little Free whatevers.

Look, LW, it's really not clear to me if you're annoyed by the litter, by your worry that there might be a kid whose parents don't know he's food-insecure, by a child eating (heaven forfend) snacks, or by your worry that someone who isn't actually hungry is using the pantry. So let's address each of these:

1. You're annoyed by the litter? Easy fix. Speak to Joe. You have a kid the same age so you know perfectly well how to talk politely to other people's children when they're playing with your kid. Show him where the accessible trash can is, and ask him to use it.
2. You're worried his parents don't know he's hungry? Trust me, if Joe's family actually is food-insecure, they are aware. Worry solved.
3. You don't like to see a child eating snacks? I mean, that's a ridiculous worry and patronizing victorian BS, but you can take away the Little Free Pantry and give money to some local "veggies only" food pantry instead. I assure you they exist. If you're in the US, your state probably has a program that gives extra SNAP benefits that can only be spent at the local farmer's market; donate or volunteer there.
4. You don't want let anyone take from the Little Free Pantry if they're not actually in need? Hoo boy, too much to count:
   • One of the problems with this kind of private charity is the panopticon of the recipients. Listen to the Rambam and stop looking at who's taking from it.
   • You don't know who is in financial need and who isn't. People's lives are private. Stay out of it.
   • If you don't want anyone who doesn't meet your definition of needy to get any charity, then stop running a Little Free Pantry.
   • If you live in a mostly-white area "on the higher end of well-off" but you want to police who uses your Little Free Pantry, then you aren't someone who wants to help, you're someone who wants to publicly perform generosity, and you can GTFOOH.
   • If you live in a mostly-white area "on the higher end of well-off" and you think that being a white person talking to the Black dad about his child's unhealthy snacking habits out of the charity box is a good idea, I want you to play this one out in your head a few times and think about it. Seriously, think about it. If you still haven't figured it out, think about someone posting that interaction on social media. Got it? Good.

It seems like LW wants to believe her problem is (2), but I don't think from her language that it really is.

[lemonsharks]

I'm on team "not your business" and team "talk to Joe directly".

I'm also baffled by the part where talking to the school is anything other than an escalation over talking to dad or GG directly.

[cimorene]

I was like, "Why is this advice so bad and also weird?" but then I clicked and it's from Doyin, so, mystery solved!

[zana16]

Do not talk to the father. Take your cue from the kid, who was reluctant to introduce you to his father. There could have been a very good reason for that, and your first duty is to not make things worse for the kid.