Dear Care & Feeding: Little Free Pantry Misuse

[minoanmiss]

Dear Care and Feeding,

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have a “little free pantry” in front of my house that I’m happy to host for neighbors in need. I live in a neighborhood that’s somewhat mixed-class—many single-family homes, town houses, apartments all on the same block. But the neighborhood is on the higher end of well-off, or at least it was before the pandemic hit nearly everyone, and at least my immediate neighborhood is very white. One of the only Black families in the area has a 7-year-old boy “Joe” who is on-again-off-again friends with my 6-year-old boy. I often see Joe coming to the pantry, and when he comes to play in our yard, he sometimes opens a bag and snacks on it—but leaves it there. (I’ve recently seen him do this with both cereal and a box of dry spaghetti.) Usually the food I see him get is on the snacky side. He’s occasionally told me that he hasn’t eaten a meal, and they have a lot of people to keep up on a single income: He lives with a working-class father, an elderly great-grandparent, and a small cousin, but I’ve only met the GG as he seemed hesitant to go get the dad when I went to introduce myself. So to my question: Part of me thinks I should talk to the dad about his son’s (mis)use of the pantry—I’d want someone to tell me if my son was doing this. But the other part of me isn’t sure it’s my business, and I don’t want to embarrass the father or cut off a source of food for Joe if he really needs it. What should I do?


—Concerned Neighbor

Dear Concerned,

First off, I think it’s wonderful that you’re providing free food to families in need. I’m also glad you’ve noticed that this boy may not be eating well, because that could be a sign of serious issues.

Before you get the family involved, I think you should contact the school to mention to the school counselor what he has told you about possible food insecurity, so that they can ensure—if needed—that the boy is getting free meals at school. Many kids of that age may be unaware of the resources schools provide, and that could potentially solve the problem without having to endure an uncomfortable encounter with his dad. I’d go that route rather than talking to his guardians directly about food resources, because you don’t want to come off as a white savior who is taking it upon yourself to rescue this child (you mentioned that you live in a predominately white neighborhood, so I’m under the assumption you are white as well). I offer that warning because many Black people despise receiving unsolicited parenting advice from random white people, regardless of their good intentions.

Regarding the lower-stakes issues, maybe I’m missing something here, but this seems to be a pretty simple fix. It doesn’t matter if your concerns are with how he’s disposing of trash or with him taking food that requires cooking—if you have something on your property that’s being misused, you have every right to instruct the person how to use it. Even though we’re talking about a 7-year-old child, it can still be done effectively as long as you approach him with kindness and empathy. I mean, how many kids that age would understand “free pantry etiquette”?

Don’t talk about the things he’s doing wrong when you speak with him, because that will only make him feel a sense of shame over something he has no clue about. Instead you should discuss the desired outcome by saying something as simple as “Hi, kiddo, just so you know, this is how we should use the pantry. Let me know if you have any questions.” Chances are that will be the end of it and you can move on.

In the event the undesired behavior continues, you’ll need to determine how high the personal stakes are for you to have that behavior corrected. Personally, it wouldn’t be a big enough deal to me to escalate matters by approaching his dad, but you may feel differently and that’s perfectly fine. In doing so, you should be aware of the potential of his son being disciplined over his misuse of the pantry, and I’m pretty sure we can both agree that would be awful.

I think the best move here is to coach the child in private—maybe even more than once if necessary, but outside of that, I think you should let it go. As annoying as the behavior may seem to you, the main thing is you’re providing a food source to a child who apparently needs it, and that’s worth a lot.

Comments

[jadelennox]

I don’t want to embarrass the father or cut off a source of food for Joe if he really needs it

Stop. Means-testing. Little Free whatevers.

Look, LW, it's really not clear to me if you're annoyed by the litter, by your worry that there might be a kid whose parents don't know he's food-insecure, by a child eating (heaven forfend) snacks, or by your worry that someone who isn't actually hungry is using the pantry. So let's address each of these:

1. You're annoyed by the litter? Easy fix. Speak to Joe. You have a kid the same age so you know perfectly well how to talk politely to other people's children when they're playing with your kid. Show him where the accessible trash can is, and ask him to use it.
2. You're worried his parents don't know he's hungry? Trust me, if Joe's family actually is food-insecure, they are aware. Worry solved.
3. You don't like to see a child eating snacks? I mean, that's a ridiculous worry and patronizing victorian BS, but you can take away the Little Free Pantry and give money to some local "veggies only" food pantry instead. I assure you they exist. If you're in the US, your state probably has a program that gives extra SNAP benefits that can only be spent at the local farmer's market; donate or volunteer there.
4. You don't want let anyone take from the Little Free Pantry if they're not actually in need? Hoo boy, too much to count:
   • One of the problems with this kind of private charity is the panopticon of the recipients. Listen to the Rambam and stop looking at who's taking from it.
   • You don't know who is in financial need and who isn't. People's lives are private. Stay out of it.
   • If you don't want anyone who doesn't meet your definition of needy to get any charity, then stop running a Little Free Pantry.
   • If you live in a mostly-white area "on the higher end of well-off" but you want to police who uses your Little Free Pantry, then you aren't someone who wants to help, you're someone who wants to publicly perform generosity, and you can GTFOOH.
   • If you live in a mostly-white area "on the higher end of well-off" and you think that being a white person talking to the Black dad about his child's unhealthy snacking habits out of the charity box is a good idea, I want you to play this one out in your head a few times and think about it. Seriously, think about it. If you still haven't figured it out, think about someone posting that interaction on social media. Got it? Good.

It seems like LW wants to believe her problem is (2), but I don't think from her language that it really is.

[feldman]

Thank you for writing this, these are very salient points. I work in the nonprofit food insecurity field and deal with all those notions and more from donors, partners, clients, even newer staff.

[cimorene]

Lovely, very thoroughly and cogently put! Give you the columnist's pay for this one.

[julian]

God, I wish to inscribe "stop means testing Little Free Thingies" onto EVERY Little Free Thingy that exists. SHEESH.

[lilysea]

Although in circumstances like the one below, where you 100% KNOW the person and know FOR CERTAIN that the person is very well to do and they are taking more than their fair share, I think it's okay to tell them to stop:

Dear Prudence,

There are Little Free Libraries in my neighborhood. For those that don’t know, they’re outdoor cabinets that people donate books to, and in my area, which is a mix of working class and low-income people, they also have snacks and hygiene products meant for people in need.
Somebody has been cleaning these libraries out completely, and books have turned up at local bookstores (some books are stamped before they’re donated with a stamp that, ironically, says “Little Free Library—Always for Free, Never for Sale”).

Recently, the culprit was caught on someone’s security camera. Her license plate was not visible, and she had a mask, so she hasn’t been identified, but I was shocked to recognize my MIL. After taking books, granola bars, seltzer, and period care packs, she then stole a package off the person’s doorstep! The library she stole from is used by people, kids and teens, in actual need!

I don’t like my in-laws that much, but I didn’t think my MIL was a thief. They live on the waterfront, own two cars and a boat, and vacation regularly. I know for certain they’re not secretly living in such poverty that they’d need to steal. I showed my husband. He’s also positive it’s his mom. He said she regularly stole from department stores when he was a kid, but other than a couple of embarrassing run-ins with store security, nothing ever happened. His dad views her stealing with annoyance and amusement. My husband called and tried to convince her to stop. She got defensive, but he managed to get out of her that she was selling the books for chump change (less than $10 dollars for an entire box!) to used book stores.

She only seemed mad she was caught and said she felt disrespected he would confront her about “taking some old books.” She said “it’s free anyway” and that the libraries “attract the homeless,” so she’s doing us a favor. She avoided the question about stealing the package.
Honestly, I think she’s just bored and entitled, and it really irks me. People from her town have always looked down on my city and particularly my neighborhood as a place full of theft and crime, and here she is contributing to it. Should I out her to the community, or even to the authorities? My husband thinks she’ll get bored of it after a while and stop. I think she should face some consequences. I’m a Black woman, and I for sure wouldn’t get away with the same!

— Stop Thief

[julian]

Yeah, that one was on here awhile ago. My reaction was basically, "This woman has subscriptions and should get some consequences. Like, say, the person whose package she stole could/should prosecute. The Little Free Library, as a donation-based entity, is *way less the point*."

[frenzy]

God this. It’s not free if you have to meet some kind of criteria to be deemed worthy.

[lilysea]

Although in circumstances like the one below, where you 100% KNOW the person and know FOR CERTAIN that the person is very well to do and they are taking more than their fair share, I think it's okay to tell them to stop:

Dear Prudence,

There are Little Free Libraries in my neighborhood. For those that don’t know, they’re outdoor cabinets that people donate books to, and in my area, which is a mix of working class and low-income people, they also have snacks and hygiene products meant for people in need.
Somebody has been cleaning these libraries out completely, and books have turned up at local bookstores (some books are stamped before they’re donated with a stamp that, ironically, says “Little Free Library—Always for Free, Never for Sale”).

Recently, the culprit was caught on someone’s security camera. Her license plate was not visible, and she had a mask, so she hasn’t been identified, but I was shocked to recognize my MIL. After taking books, granola bars, seltzer, and period care packs, she then stole a package off the person’s doorstep! The library she stole from is used by people, kids and teens, in actual need!

I don’t like my in-laws that much, but I didn’t think my MIL was a thief. They live on the waterfront, own two cars and a boat, and vacation regularly. I know for certain they’re not secretly living in such poverty that they’d need to steal. I showed my husband. He’s also positive it’s his mom. He said she regularly stole from department stores when he was a kid, but other than a couple of embarrassing run-ins with store security, nothing ever happened. His dad views her stealing with annoyance and amusement. My husband called and tried to convince her to stop. She got defensive, but he managed to get out of her that she was selling the books for chump change (less than $10 dollars for an entire box!) to used book stores.

She only seemed mad she was caught and said she felt disrespected he would confront her about “taking some old books.” She said “it’s free anyway” and that the libraries “attract the homeless,” so she’s doing us a favor. She avoided the question about stealing the package.
Honestly, I think she’s just bored and entitled, and it really irks me. People from her town have always looked down on my city and particularly my neighborhood as a place full of theft and crime, and here she is contributing to it. Should I out her to the community, or even to the authorities? My husband thinks she’ll get bored of it after a while and stop. I think she should face some consequences. I’m a Black woman, and I for sure wouldn’t get away with the same!

— Stop Thief

[lilysea]

Although in circumstances like the one below, where you 100% KNOW the person and know FOR CERTAIN that the person is very well to do and they are taking more than their fair share, I think it's okay to tell them to stop:

Dear Prudence,

There are Little Free Libraries in my neighborhood. For those that don’t know, they’re outdoor cabinets that people donate books to, and in my area, which is a mix of working class and low-income people, they also have snacks and hygiene products meant for people in need.
Somebody has been cleaning these libraries out completely, and books have turned up at local bookstores (some books are stamped before they’re donated with a stamp that, ironically, says “Little Free Library—Always for Free, Never for Sale”).

Recently, the culprit was caught on someone’s security camera. Her license plate was not visible, and she had a mask, so she hasn’t been identified, but I was shocked to recognize my MIL. After taking books, granola bars, seltzer, and period care packs, she then stole a package off the person’s doorstep! The library she stole from is used by people, kids and teens, in actual need!

I don’t like my in-laws that much, but I didn’t think my MIL was a thief. They live on the waterfront, own two cars and a boat, and vacation regularly. I know for certain they’re not secretly living in such poverty that they’d need to steal. I showed my husband. He’s also positive it’s his mom. He said she regularly stole from department stores when he was a kid, but other than a couple of embarrassing run-ins with store security, nothing ever happened. His dad views her stealing with annoyance and amusement. My husband called and tried to convince her to stop. She got defensive, but he managed to get out of her that she was selling the books for chump change (less than $10 dollars for an entire box!) to used book stores.

She only seemed mad she was caught and said she felt disrespected he would confront her about “taking some old books.” She said “it’s free anyway” and that the libraries “attract the homeless,” so she’s doing us a favor. She avoided the question about stealing the package.
Honestly, I think she’s just bored and entitled, and it really irks me. People from her town have always looked down on my city and particularly my neighborhood as a place full of theft and crime, and here she is contributing to it. Should I out her to the community, or even to the authorities? My husband thinks she’ll get bored of it after a while and stop. I think she should face some consequences. I’m a Black woman, and I for sure wouldn’t get away with the same!

— Stop Thief

[ahazelshadeofwinter]

It feels like the LW is just uncomfortable with someone using the pantry who she knows and who is her child's friend, instead of someone more distant from her, and is casting about for a reason to consider it an actual problem.

But if a kid is playing at her house and gets hungry--regardless of whether it's from food insecurity or just normal kid hunger--he shouldn't have to be going to the pantry. Offer him something to eat!