Dear Care & Feeding: Little Free Pantry Misuse

[minoanmiss]

Dear Care and Feeding,

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have a “little free pantry” in front of my house that I’m happy to host for neighbors in need. I live in a neighborhood that’s somewhat mixed-class—many single-family homes, town houses, apartments all on the same block. But the neighborhood is on the higher end of well-off, or at least it was before the pandemic hit nearly everyone, and at least my immediate neighborhood is very white. One of the only Black families in the area has a 7-year-old boy “Joe” who is on-again-off-again friends with my 6-year-old boy. I often see Joe coming to the pantry, and when he comes to play in our yard, he sometimes opens a bag and snacks on it—but leaves it there. (I’ve recently seen him do this with both cereal and a box of dry spaghetti.) Usually the food I see him get is on the snacky side. He’s occasionally told me that he hasn’t eaten a meal, and they have a lot of people to keep up on a single income: He lives with a working-class father, an elderly great-grandparent, and a small cousin, but I’ve only met the GG as he seemed hesitant to go get the dad when I went to introduce myself. So to my question: Part of me thinks I should talk to the dad about his son’s (mis)use of the pantry—I’d want someone to tell me if my son was doing this. But the other part of me isn’t sure it’s my business, and I don’t want to embarrass the father or cut off a source of food for Joe if he really needs it. What should I do?


—Concerned Neighbor

Dear Concerned,

First off, I think it’s wonderful that you’re providing free food to families in need. I’m also glad you’ve noticed that this boy may not be eating well, because that could be a sign of serious issues.

Before you get the family involved, I think you should contact the school to mention to the school counselor what he has told you about possible food insecurity, so that they can ensure—if needed—that the boy is getting free meals at school. Many kids of that age may be unaware of the resources schools provide, and that could potentially solve the problem without having to endure an uncomfortable encounter with his dad. I’d go that route rather than talking to his guardians directly about food resources, because you don’t want to come off as a white savior who is taking it upon yourself to rescue this child (you mentioned that you live in a predominately white neighborhood, so I’m under the assumption you are white as well). I offer that warning because many Black people despise receiving unsolicited parenting advice from random white people, regardless of their good intentions.

Regarding the lower-stakes issues, maybe I’m missing something here, but this seems to be a pretty simple fix. It doesn’t matter if your concerns are with how he’s disposing of trash or with him taking food that requires cooking—if you have something on your property that’s being misused, you have every right to instruct the person how to use it. Even though we’re talking about a 7-year-old child, it can still be done effectively as long as you approach him with kindness and empathy. I mean, how many kids that age would understand “free pantry etiquette”?

Don’t talk about the things he’s doing wrong when you speak with him, because that will only make him feel a sense of shame over something he has no clue about. Instead you should discuss the desired outcome by saying something as simple as “Hi, kiddo, just so you know, this is how we should use the pantry. Let me know if you have any questions.” Chances are that will be the end of it and you can move on.

In the event the undesired behavior continues, you’ll need to determine how high the personal stakes are for you to have that behavior corrected. Personally, it wouldn’t be a big enough deal to me to escalate matters by approaching his dad, but you may feel differently and that’s perfectly fine. In doing so, you should be aware of the potential of his son being disciplined over his misuse of the pantry, and I’m pretty sure we can both agree that would be awful.

I think the best move here is to coach the child in private—maybe even more than once if necessary, but outside of that, I think you should let it go. As annoying as the behavior may seem to you, the main thing is you’re providing a food source to a child who apparently needs it, and that’s worth a lot.

Comments

[lemonsharks]

I'm on team "not your business" and team "talk to Joe directly".

I'm also baffled by the part where talking to the school is anything other than an escalation over talking to dad or GG directly.

[cimorene]

Completely this. Why on earth would you jump from "kid snacks in the afternoon" to "contact social services"? What planet is this advice from??

But also, I don't think I was ever regularly at someone's house in the afternoon without being offered snacks? And it went both ways. Kids... eat... snacks...? Pretty sure they haven't evolved beyond it in the last twenty years.

[lilysea]

But also, I don't think I was ever regularly at someone's house in the afternoon without being offered snacks? And it went both ways. Kids... eat... snacks...? Pretty sure they haven't evolved beyond it in the last twenty years

This... is not universal.

I have ONE memory of being offered a snack while playing at another kid's house. [I am excluding birthday parties, which usually had food]

And that one time the snack was chocolate flavoured milk, and the mother glared at me that I'd helped myself to too big a chocolate milk drink. (She told us we could have one glass, so I picked the biggest glass that was in the cupboard.)

The norm when I was growing up was that if kid-who-is-not-yours was hungry, it was obviously time for kid-who-is-not-yours to go home...

I never got the vibe that it was due to food insecurity - these were well off parents - just that they didn't want to be bothered with the fuss...

[minoanmiss]

sigh I cannot imagine begrudging a child some chocolate milk drink. If I had to control serving sizes it would be easy enough to hand out the glasses rather than being so stingy

[lilysea]

It was because the mother thought I was too fat and she didn't want her daughter becoming fat

I wasn't actually fat as a child, I just wasn't Hollywood-thin.

It was regular ordinary unflavoured milk mixed with spoonfuls of chocolate powder (Milo) out of a tin and dissolved in the milk by stirring

[minoanmiss]

It's a wonder you weren't skin and bones, considering the horrific lack of nourishment in your household. And oh my GOD the damage of diet culture. I WAS a fat little kid and no amount of being hassled and starved has transformed me into a thin adult (ahahaha) . ANd people have the nerve to say this is about "health".

ugh. Anyway. hugs you

[fleurrochard]

Huh. While I'm sure that I got occasionally offered food while at a friend's house and vice versa, I really don't remember that being a usual/regular thing? Obviously, when you were visiting at a meal time, or something to drink, but snacks as a regular thing? I really can't remember that.
And remembering the houses/apartments, I seriously doubt that was because of food insecurity.

[cimorene]

I suppose we've uncovered a cultural divide? The other person who said she didn't recognize being offered snacks was a Kiwi. I'm a white middle-class American, and I was raised in the south, but most of the people I was ever friends with were non-southerners like my family (not that southerners don't offer food though).

[fleurrochard]

Very possible! I'm from Germany. Might also be a generational thing as well, because for me that age has been 30+ years ago - I don't really remember SNACKS being a regular thing, nevermind whether you were a visitor or not.

[cimorene]

Yeah, I'm sure there are variations over time, social class, and regional divides as well as national divides when it comes to the culture of hospitality. However, going by the language of this letter, they are definitely North American and from a similar class/income background to mine, although it is twenty years later.

[lilysea]

If you mean me, I'm Australian ^_^

[cimorene]

Oh sorry! My wife thought Milo was only sold in New Zealand.

[minoanmiss]

It's sold in quite a few "commonwealth" places actually - I'm familiar with it from Jamaica.

[cimorene]

Interesting!

[minoanmiss]

Now you can be assured of finding Milo in several countries! lauhgs at myself

[mommy]

I agree. A simple "If you open a package then take the whole package home" is simple enough to say and it solves most of the littering issue. The rest is none of LW's business.