Dear Care & Feeding: Little Free Pantry Misuse

[minoanmiss]

Dear Care and Feeding,

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have a “little free pantry” in front of my house that I’m happy to host for neighbors in need. I live in a neighborhood that’s somewhat mixed-class—many single-family homes, town houses, apartments all on the same block. But the neighborhood is on the higher end of well-off, or at least it was before the pandemic hit nearly everyone, and at least my immediate neighborhood is very white. One of the only Black families in the area has a 7-year-old boy “Joe” who is on-again-off-again friends with my 6-year-old boy. I often see Joe coming to the pantry, and when he comes to play in our yard, he sometimes opens a bag and snacks on it—but leaves it there. (I’ve recently seen him do this with both cereal and a box of dry spaghetti.) Usually the food I see him get is on the snacky side. He’s occasionally told me that he hasn’t eaten a meal, and they have a lot of people to keep up on a single income: He lives with a working-class father, an elderly great-grandparent, and a small cousin, but I’ve only met the GG as he seemed hesitant to go get the dad when I went to introduce myself. So to my question: Part of me thinks I should talk to the dad about his son’s (mis)use of the pantry—I’d want someone to tell me if my son was doing this. But the other part of me isn’t sure it’s my business, and I don’t want to embarrass the father or cut off a source of food for Joe if he really needs it. What should I do?


—Concerned Neighbor

Dear Concerned,

First off, I think it’s wonderful that you’re providing free food to families in need. I’m also glad you’ve noticed that this boy may not be eating well, because that could be a sign of serious issues.

Before you get the family involved, I think you should contact the school to mention to the school counselor what he has told you about possible food insecurity, so that they can ensure—if needed—that the boy is getting free meals at school. Many kids of that age may be unaware of the resources schools provide, and that could potentially solve the problem without having to endure an uncomfortable encounter with his dad. I’d go that route rather than talking to his guardians directly about food resources, because you don’t want to come off as a white savior who is taking it upon yourself to rescue this child (you mentioned that you live in a predominately white neighborhood, so I’m under the assumption you are white as well). I offer that warning because many Black people despise receiving unsolicited parenting advice from random white people, regardless of their good intentions.

Regarding the lower-stakes issues, maybe I’m missing something here, but this seems to be a pretty simple fix. It doesn’t matter if your concerns are with how he’s disposing of trash or with him taking food that requires cooking—if you have something on your property that’s being misused, you have every right to instruct the person how to use it. Even though we’re talking about a 7-year-old child, it can still be done effectively as long as you approach him with kindness and empathy. I mean, how many kids that age would understand “free pantry etiquette”?

Don’t talk about the things he’s doing wrong when you speak with him, because that will only make him feel a sense of shame over something he has no clue about. Instead you should discuss the desired outcome by saying something as simple as “Hi, kiddo, just so you know, this is how we should use the pantry. Let me know if you have any questions.” Chances are that will be the end of it and you can move on.

In the event the undesired behavior continues, you’ll need to determine how high the personal stakes are for you to have that behavior corrected. Personally, it wouldn’t be a big enough deal to me to escalate matters by approaching his dad, but you may feel differently and that’s perfectly fine. In doing so, you should be aware of the potential of his son being disciplined over his misuse of the pantry, and I’m pretty sure we can both agree that would be awful.

I think the best move here is to coach the child in private—maybe even more than once if necessary, but outside of that, I think you should let it go. As annoying as the behavior may seem to you, the main thing is you’re providing a food source to a child who apparently needs it, and that’s worth a lot.

Comments

[lilysea]

Although in circumstances like the one below, where you 100% KNOW the person and know FOR CERTAIN that the person is very well to do and they are taking more than their fair share, I think it's okay to tell them to stop:

Dear Prudence,

There are Little Free Libraries in my neighborhood. For those that don’t know, they’re outdoor cabinets that people donate books to, and in my area, which is a mix of working class and low-income people, they also have snacks and hygiene products meant for people in need.
Somebody has been cleaning these libraries out completely, and books have turned up at local bookstores (some books are stamped before they’re donated with a stamp that, ironically, says “Little Free Library—Always for Free, Never for Sale”).

Recently, the culprit was caught on someone’s security camera. Her license plate was not visible, and she had a mask, so she hasn’t been identified, but I was shocked to recognize my MIL. After taking books, granola bars, seltzer, and period care packs, she then stole a package off the person’s doorstep! The library she stole from is used by people, kids and teens, in actual need!

I don’t like my in-laws that much, but I didn’t think my MIL was a thief. They live on the waterfront, own two cars and a boat, and vacation regularly. I know for certain they’re not secretly living in such poverty that they’d need to steal. I showed my husband. He’s also positive it’s his mom. He said she regularly stole from department stores when he was a kid, but other than a couple of embarrassing run-ins with store security, nothing ever happened. His dad views her stealing with annoyance and amusement. My husband called and tried to convince her to stop. She got defensive, but he managed to get out of her that she was selling the books for chump change (less than $10 dollars for an entire box!) to used book stores.

She only seemed mad she was caught and said she felt disrespected he would confront her about “taking some old books.” She said “it’s free anyway” and that the libraries “attract the homeless,” so she’s doing us a favor. She avoided the question about stealing the package.
Honestly, I think she’s just bored and entitled, and it really irks me. People from her town have always looked down on my city and particularly my neighborhood as a place full of theft and crime, and here she is contributing to it. Should I out her to the community, or even to the authorities? My husband thinks she’ll get bored of it after a while and stop. I think she should face some consequences. I’m a Black woman, and I for sure wouldn’t get away with the same!

— Stop Thief