Dear Harriette: Surprise pregnancy not good news

[cereta]

DEAR HARRIETTE: One night can change everything. I never thought that until now. After feeling sick for a couple of days, I went to the doctor to find out why. The doctor did a bunch of tests, and finally he came back in the room. He smiled as he told me, "Congratulations! You're pregnant."

This would be a perfect dream if I weren't only 21. It would be lovely if I weren't a struggling college student with parents who think I'm an angel. It really would be enjoyable if I at least could say that I was married and I knew for sure who the father was.

I'm so scared. My parents come down in a few weeks; what do I tell them? I don't want to get cut off financially. They didn't want me to go away for college. They feared that something like this -- or worse -- would happen. I don't know if my boyfriend or a guy from a party is the father. My boyfriend and I aren't on the best of terms right now. Tired of his cheating and lying, I went to a party deciding I'd have some fun of my own. Now I'm someone's mommy-to-be. I don't know what to do. I'm too young for all of this. -- Too Young, Jacksonville, Florida

DEAR TOO YOUNG: Find out your options from your doctor. Think about what you want to do. Tell your parents immediately. Apologize for not living up to their expectations, and then ask for their support and guidance. They may be mad, but they will likely help you figure out your next steps. You must decide what you want to do with your baby. Consider all of your options carefully.

Comments

[cereta]

Unless you are sure you want an abortion, you need to talk to both men, make plans for a DNA test, and discuss options with them. You will not be able to place the child for adoption without the father's consent, and if either of you decide you want to raise the child, you need to bring up that dreaded phrase: child support. Based on what you have written, I recommend having as many ducks in a row as you can before telling your parents, because I have a feeling that they will happily take over decision-making if you let them.

(Note: I am ignoring advice like, "use multiple forms of birth control and for god's sake, us condoms before you catch something other than pregnant" because, well, too late, and I am hoping you've already learned this painful lesson.)

[recessional]

you catch something other than pregnant

Hah, this.

[cereta]

Arg, USE condoms. And it won't let me edit.

[recessional]

Oops! Sorry, that would be me commenting at you. *facepalm*

[xenacryst]

Yeah, I'm not quite so sanguine about her parents being all rational at this point as Harriette is. The don't sound like the type to look reality in the teeth and deal, but are going to find some way to make the situation worse, probably emotionally, for someone. At the very least, they're going to leave out some of her options, and while she may not feel old enough to raise a child, she's definitely old enough to take charge of her life and make it her own rather than having her parents run it for her. And, I should note, she should be wary of having either of the two guys try to run it for her, too - talk to them, yes, but don't let them railroad her into something she's not on board with.

[cereta]

Yeah, she needs to be clear that the decision whether or not to have an abortion is entirely hers. However, if she is pondering adoption instead, she really needs to talk to them, because that's not entirely up to her, and she needs to know how things are going to fall while abortion is still an option. If that makes any sense.

[recessional]

. . . fuck her parents' expectations *COUGH* I meeeean.

If she decides to keep the baby, or even probably go through with the pregnancy and give up the baby, then telling the parents is p unavoidable.

If she goes for an abortion it's none of her parents' business.

Also bb BIRTH CONTROL. Having fun at a party is great! But BIRTHCONTROL.

[ellen_fremedon]

Sure would be nice if the columnist were even willing to use the word 'abortion.'

[likeaduck]

THIS OMG

[likeaduck]

Seriously, no resources? Not even like a national pregnancy options counseling helpline? (http://yourbackline.org) Or planned parenthood? Just, talk to the same doctor who apparently had never heard of an unwanted pregnancy and should have known better than to lead with "Congratulations!"??!?!?!

[deird1]

who apparently had never heard of an unwanted pregnancy and should have known better than to lead with "Congratulations!"

Seriously. I'm happily married and living in a three-bedroom house, and when I announced my pregnancy, I had quite a few friends gently enquire whether it was something we were planning or not before they went for outright congratulations - because they know that pregnancies aren't always planned even in the best of circumstances.

Doctors should really know better.

[minoanmiss]

Oh *honey*. Seriously, can we write the columnist with some of our discussion here, or would there be no point?

[cereta]

I don't see why you can't. You could, of course, post in the comments section, but it's, well, a comments section.

[neotoma]

... my advice is 1) go to Planned Parenthood immediately for useful, non-judgemental options and advice, 2) begin to scrape up enough money for an abortion, 3) enlisted your female friends as a support network.

I never wanted kids, so keeping the pregnancy wouldn't even be something I would have considered in this situation, but is the fact that the columnist never even mentions the idea of abortion as weird as I think it is?

[cereta]

Yeah, it would be nice for her to actually state it as an option instead of hinting around about it.

[liv]

I don't know, the fact that the writer describes herself as someone's mommy-to-be suggests that she's not really considering abortion. If someone pregnant and scared wrote to me in those terms, I would be very reluctant to reply with, well, you could have an abortion.

[ellen_fremedon]

She could have an abortion, though. She could also have the baby. If she's already made up her mind, having her options pointed out won't change it, and if she hasnt, then it's best to have everything on the table.

[minoanmiss]

She might never have been allowed to consider abortion as anything other than The Recourse of Evil Babykilling Sluts before. If I had been pregnant when I was 18 and just emerging from having been raised in a fundamentalist Christian church, I would have signed my letter that way while wishing desperately for someone to give me permission to consider an abortion.

[cereta]

Aaaaand sure enough, the, "if you want to place the child for adoption, say you don't know who the father is. Because that always works out so well, or at all.

[the_shoshanna]

On top of what other commenters have already said, I want to add another comment/reaction.

Apologize for not living up to their expectations

Fuck that noise.

[amadi]

You must decide what you want to do with your baby.

This is straight, verbatim, from the emotional manipulation script used at antichoice "crisis pregnancy centers" meant to be delivered with a simpering smile and a firm hand over the pregnant person's, as if it's caring counsel. Between that and the expectation that this adult woman apologize to her parents, I'm very displeased with this advice giver's POV on personal and reproductive autonomy.

Someone get this poor young woman to a Planned Parenthood, please!

[naath]

Fuck apologizing to the parents. Apologies are for when you've done something wrong, LW has done NOTHING WRONG, certainly nothing wrong TO HER PARENTS (maybe she did a wrong thing by cheating on her boyfriend, but maybe they were broken up at the time, or had agree to an open relationship, or something).

On the other hand maybe she wants to make nice with her parents, maybe they will give her money, money is nice. But the strings that come with the money may be too much to bear, LW should think carefully about what she is prepared to put up with before pouncing on the possible money.