Care & Feeding: I'm Rich, But My Parents Prefer My Poor Sister

[minoanmiss]

This is going to sound petty and on the childish side, but here goes. I cannot stand the way my parents are with me and my sister. By every measure, I am more successful than my sister “Jane.” I earn a six-figure salary, as does my husband, we own our home, and we are planning to have a baby in the coming year or so. Jane works for a charity which, while laudable, pays next to nothing and affords her hardly any free time. Her layabout wife “works from home” selling “art” online (little cartoon drawings) and earns even less. They rent a tiny apartment and, frankly, don’t seem to be going anywhere in life.

Yet when our parents talk about me and Jane, it is crystal clear who is their favorite. They rave about her at every opportunity and invite her and her wife on holidays with them every year (pre-COVID). For example, if a friend asks my mom how everyone has been, my mom will say one sentence about me (“Sally got a promotion”) followed by a lengthy gushing about Jane (“Oh, Jane saved a woman’s life this week at the shelter! She got me a bunch of beautiful flowers as a surprise in between her shifts at the refuge and volunteering at the animal hospital, then she saved a kitten from a tree and STILL made time to visit her dad in hospital!!”). I’m exaggerating, but just barely.

She and my dad are never actively unpleasant to me, just NOTABLY less enthused about me than my sister. The recent example that has me furious was Christmas, when my husband and I bought my parents a smart TV and an iPad. These gifts were met with thanks and my dad posting about how lucky he felt on social media, which was very gratifying at the time. Then the next day when they celebrated Christmas with Jane and her wife (who of course were volunteering on Christmas Day proper), I see my dad RAVING on Facebook about the gifts they have got him and my mom: a bit of art that Jane’s wife made for them (so, a very cheap gift) and a natty photo album that Jane put together from some old photos she dug up of our parents’ wedding. (They didn’t have a photographer and always regretted it, so Jane apparently canvassed their friends who had attended and got pictures to compile the album, which while obviously an effort, also cost her nothing beyond the cheap-looking scrapbook itself.) It has been a month, and our mom still goes on about what an incredible gift it is, and has hung the homemade art in pride of place in the living room. When I ask if she likes the gifts I got her, she just replies with, “Yeah, they’re great.”

I am so done. Their favoritism is obvious, and I can hardly stand talking to them when I know that Saint Jane is going to come up. Jane and her wife are also planning on having a child in the near future (in spite of clearly not being able to afford this). I am already sick at the thought of how differently our parents are going to treat our children. Can you give me any advice on 1) raising my frustration with my parents in general, and 2) articulating that we will fall out for good if and when they treat my kids differently to Jane’s? My husband’s stance is to address such things when they come up and just ignore the favoritism from my parents (who he doesn’t gel with anyway), but my anger at them is keeping me up at night. Please help.

—Not the Favorite


Dear Not the Favorite,

Unfortunately, no, I can’t give you advice on the two points you’ve raised above. Essentially you’re asking me to tell you how to issue your parents an ultimatum about their as-yet-hypothetical grandkids. You’re saying that you’ll “fall out for good” if they don’t treat all of their grandchildren the same (by your standards of “sameness”). That’s not a healthy conversation for you to have with them before you or Jane even have children.

I also don’t think you want to frame the discussion you hope to have with your parents as an airing of frustrations, though you’ve made a solid case for why you’re feeling frustrated. It’s possible that your parents do, in fact, prefer Jane and her partner’s company to yours. They may enjoy hearing about her work more and may prefer sentimental, handmade gifts to high-end, store-bought ones. Those are preferences, and your parents are entitled to preferences.

As their adult child, you’re entitled to a kind, caring, and engaged relationship with them, and it sounds like you have that. It may not look the way you want it to, but at this point, what would be healthiest would be to work on what’s within your control. What you can control is how you manage your expectations. It may not feel fair that you and your sister aren’t treated exactly the same, but if your parents appreciate your gifts, are welcoming when they see you, and have raised you in a loving, supportive home, then practicing gratitude might help to mitigate your anger.

You’ve mentioned that your anger is keeping you up at night. It sounds like, in trying to find ways to express this insomnia-inducing fury to your parents, you also want them to lose sleep over it. They will not. Find your own peace around this; there is no set number of tasks your parents can perform to provide it for you, at this point.

—Stacia

Comments

Re: Anyone reminded of Alex Keaton in _Family Ties_?

[cereta]

Yeah. I mean, as you know, Bob, I am very, very sensitive to unequal treatment of siblings, but everything the LW brought up was about material success, and while I would certainly love to be given a smart TV and a tablet, in the context of the rest of the letter, there's nothing that indicates any real thought was put into whether the parents would like them. It was just, "Here's this shiny, expensive thing."

Also, as hard as it can be sometimes to accept, some members of families just click better than others. I honestly think the best thing LW can do for everyone, including their hypothetical child, is to limit time and emotional investment in their parents (they clearly have none in their sibling or SiL, and probably won't have any in a nibling). Find people who share your interests and values.

Re: Anyone reminded of Alex Keaton in _Family Ties_?

[jadelennox]

I'm both sensitive from experience to unequal treatment of siblings, and I agree with it in some cases. And in this case, even if LW weren't a complete tool, some unequal treatment might be warranted. If one sibling is giving a smart TV and ipad, and the other can only afford handmade gifts, then even if both gifts are chosen and given with equivalent love and care, it makes sense to effusively praise the handmade gifts just because everything in society will make the poorer sibling feel shitty.

(Unless they're in a subculture that devalues store-bought gifts, but if that's true, LW sure as heck didn't absorb that.)

All that being said, LW's values are not only not Jane's, I also don't think they're the parents', and that's just too bad for LW. Countless people who choose to be artists or community organizers or librarians get treated worse by parents than the sibling who becomes a stockbroker or a lawyer cough cough immigrant parents cough cough, and while "cultural turnabout is fair play" is unfair to any particular individual, the advice to LW is just the same as it would be to the reverse (ie. if Jane wrote because their parents were nicer to the better-off kid). Find things you love that your parents do value, find things in common with them, or find other support networks and acknowledge that life is what it is. The fact that I dislike LW doesn't change the advice.