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agonyaunt2022-01-24 10:52 am
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2022-01-24 10:52 am
Entry tags:
Dear Prudence: [title goes here]
[n.b. I can't title this because I can't take it seriously.]
I moved in with my big sister’s family after my lease expired in November because my job is transferring me out-of-state in the spring. I’m incredibly grateful for their hospitality. However, as a queer woman in my 20s, I am really struggling to relate to my brother-in-law, “Roger.” He is a good husband/father and a nice enough guy, but I’ve never known anyone so deeply stuck in the rut society has dug for cis-het white men. I don’t think Roger even has any friendships that exist outside specific (and conventionally masculine) activities, like his golf friends or fantasy football league. I know this sounds like a low-key problem, but he’s just a very different experience for me. I feel like my emotions overload around him. Honestly, I’m a little sad for Roger because his existence seems so confined by patriarchal expectations.
I wish I could help him expand himself, but he seems really uninterested in self-growth journeys. It’s also upsetting for me to be around him at times. For instance, working from home he wears a navy blue, long-sleeve t-shirt every day. I asked him why, and he said he can put a sweater on over them and look professional enough for Zoom meetings. I know I could not get away with that little care for my appearance in a professional setting, but he can’t see why coasting on a privileged double-standard is problematic.
I’m also concerned for my two niblings, both of whom are identified as boys. I wish they had a more expansive model of masculinity because, even if they continue to identify as cis-male, they should know that doesn’t mean they’re limited to fixing cars and friendships based on nothing more emotionally intimate than baseball scores. I really need help processing all of these feelings in a way that’s constructive for Roger and my niblings without shaming or seeming like I’m meddling.
— Out-Manned
Dear Out-Manned,
Assuming this is not one of those “libs gone wild” fantasias we sometimes get, I want to say this as gently as possible: You have to get a grip. You are living with this family for free. Nobody is doing anything to disrespect or harm you. Even if you are 100 percent correct that everyone would be better off if Roger were not so confined by “patriarchal expectations,” it is not his responsibility to change to suit your vision of the way a man should look or behave. And it is not your job to change him, nor is it even a reasonable goal. Would it be great if your niblings knew that men could talk about things other than baseball? Sure! But aside from stepping in to protect them from abuse or neglect, you just don’t get a vote when it comes to how they’re raised. Please keep your opinions on your brother-in-law’s need for a self-growth journey to yourself. I don’t want to get a letter from your sister complaining that her house guest is being insufferable and have to send her a script to ask you to leave.
Seriously, I know you mean well. And your values are generally admirable. But you need to redirect your energy. Let the observations you’ve made teach you something about your passion for creating a world in which gendered expectations have less power over us. But put those beliefs into action in your own career, in your service work, and in your own life, not your sister’s.
I moved in with my big sister’s family after my lease expired in November because my job is transferring me out-of-state in the spring. I’m incredibly grateful for their hospitality. However, as a queer woman in my 20s, I am really struggling to relate to my brother-in-law, “Roger.” He is a good husband/father and a nice enough guy, but I’ve never known anyone so deeply stuck in the rut society has dug for cis-het white men. I don’t think Roger even has any friendships that exist outside specific (and conventionally masculine) activities, like his golf friends or fantasy football league. I know this sounds like a low-key problem, but he’s just a very different experience for me. I feel like my emotions overload around him. Honestly, I’m a little sad for Roger because his existence seems so confined by patriarchal expectations.
I wish I could help him expand himself, but he seems really uninterested in self-growth journeys. It’s also upsetting for me to be around him at times. For instance, working from home he wears a navy blue, long-sleeve t-shirt every day. I asked him why, and he said he can put a sweater on over them and look professional enough for Zoom meetings. I know I could not get away with that little care for my appearance in a professional setting, but he can’t see why coasting on a privileged double-standard is problematic.
I’m also concerned for my two niblings, both of whom are identified as boys. I wish they had a more expansive model of masculinity because, even if they continue to identify as cis-male, they should know that doesn’t mean they’re limited to fixing cars and friendships based on nothing more emotionally intimate than baseball scores. I really need help processing all of these feelings in a way that’s constructive for Roger and my niblings without shaming or seeming like I’m meddling.
— Out-Manned
Dear Out-Manned,
Assuming this is not one of those “libs gone wild” fantasias we sometimes get, I want to say this as gently as possible: You have to get a grip. You are living with this family for free. Nobody is doing anything to disrespect or harm you. Even if you are 100 percent correct that everyone would be better off if Roger were not so confined by “patriarchal expectations,” it is not his responsibility to change to suit your vision of the way a man should look or behave. And it is not your job to change him, nor is it even a reasonable goal. Would it be great if your niblings knew that men could talk about things other than baseball? Sure! But aside from stepping in to protect them from abuse or neglect, you just don’t get a vote when it comes to how they’re raised. Please keep your opinions on your brother-in-law’s need for a self-growth journey to yourself. I don’t want to get a letter from your sister complaining that her house guest is being insufferable and have to send her a script to ask you to leave.
Seriously, I know you mean well. And your values are generally admirable. But you need to redirect your energy. Let the observations you’ve made teach you something about your passion for creating a world in which gendered expectations have less power over us. But put those beliefs into action in your own career, in your service work, and in your own life, not your sister’s.
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Anyway though yeah it sounds REALLY fake.
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They’re not (as far as I know) writing agony aunts so much as doing their own processing in their own blog/social media space when life requires them to immerse themselves in said environments.
But even with literally having read all the thoughts in the letter (including the overwrought emotion) expressed by said friend at some point or other , I still think this letter smells of clumsy satire.
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There's a lot in here that reads as clumsy satire but there's also a lot of stuff that I don't think is phrased the way a Breitbart disciple would do it. If it is a fake, it's a fake from somebody who actually knows people who say things like "he’s just a very different experience for me" in real life.
If I had to I'd put money on this being an average, 'non-political' type who's fed up with their actual sister-in-law who is almost this bad.
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Same. LW is either a satirist or an exhausting person to be/around
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yeah, fake fake fakeity fake, queen of fake mountain and marchioness of fauxville. So fake I made a new userpic just for the fakeness.