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Dear Prudence: I want my family to stop "teasing" me
Dear Prudence,
I’ve grown up with very different values from my immediate family, and we had periods of a strained relationship, but it’s now at a point where things are—for the most part—much better. I recognize that my parents did the best they could in difficult circumstances, etc., etc., and we have made peace with each other. However, my family has a very keen “being annoying/teasing/insulting as affection” style of communication, which I struggle with because I’m sensitive. I’d really like to discourage it, both against myself and any potential kids I have, without causing a big fight. When I’ve pointed it out in the past, it’s either been me making a big deal of things or me accusing people of being bad parents, and it’s honestly a serious conversation I’m too tired to have with no results.
—Too Sensitive for This
Dear Too Sensitive,
Ugh, there’s nothing worse than someone who hides their actual insults and aggression behind an “I’m just blunt,” “I was just kidding,” or “you can’t take a joke” excuse. And I do think that’s what’s happening with your family. People who sincerely use teasing and being annoying as a form of affection build in a calculation of what will be hurtful versus what’s safe material to have fun with. It sounds like your family has made no attempt to do that. I’m guessing your strained relationship with them and their unwillingness to respect your feelings have made you lean toward blaming yourself for being “too sensitive,” but I’m here to say you’re not. And even if you were, healthy, kind family members take note when someone is “too” sensitive and try not to hurt them. This isn’t an unreasonable thing to ask, and it comes naturally to those who care about how they make loved ones feel.
Assuming you don’t want to limit your contact with your parents, I suggest identifying a few topics that are truly off limits for jokes and teasing for you, and letting them know in writing (a text message or DM or email) at a moment when you’re not together and you’re not feeling emotional. “Hi Mom and Dad. Looking forward to seeing you in a couple of weeks. We’ve talked before about how it makes me feel when you tease me or insult me as a joke, and while I understand that you don’t mean any harm by it, I want to ask you to refrain from joking about my weight, my health issues, or my relationships [or whatever the most sensitive issues are]. If you can do this, I’ll be able to enjoy our time together a lot more.” Then give them a chance, and if they slip up, give them a warning or just feel free to get up and leave without any guilt. It’s not you, it’s them.
I’ve grown up with very different values from my immediate family, and we had periods of a strained relationship, but it’s now at a point where things are—for the most part—much better. I recognize that my parents did the best they could in difficult circumstances, etc., etc., and we have made peace with each other. However, my family has a very keen “being annoying/teasing/insulting as affection” style of communication, which I struggle with because I’m sensitive. I’d really like to discourage it, both against myself and any potential kids I have, without causing a big fight. When I’ve pointed it out in the past, it’s either been me making a big deal of things or me accusing people of being bad parents, and it’s honestly a serious conversation I’m too tired to have with no results.
—Too Sensitive for This
Dear Too Sensitive,
Ugh, there’s nothing worse than someone who hides their actual insults and aggression behind an “I’m just blunt,” “I was just kidding,” or “you can’t take a joke” excuse. And I do think that’s what’s happening with your family. People who sincerely use teasing and being annoying as a form of affection build in a calculation of what will be hurtful versus what’s safe material to have fun with. It sounds like your family has made no attempt to do that. I’m guessing your strained relationship with them and their unwillingness to respect your feelings have made you lean toward blaming yourself for being “too sensitive,” but I’m here to say you’re not. And even if you were, healthy, kind family members take note when someone is “too” sensitive and try not to hurt them. This isn’t an unreasonable thing to ask, and it comes naturally to those who care about how they make loved ones feel.
Assuming you don’t want to limit your contact with your parents, I suggest identifying a few topics that are truly off limits for jokes and teasing for you, and letting them know in writing (a text message or DM or email) at a moment when you’re not together and you’re not feeling emotional. “Hi Mom and Dad. Looking forward to seeing you in a couple of weeks. We’ve talked before about how it makes me feel when you tease me or insult me as a joke, and while I understand that you don’t mean any harm by it, I want to ask you to refrain from joking about my weight, my health issues, or my relationships [or whatever the most sensitive issues are]. If you can do this, I’ll be able to enjoy our time together a lot more.” Then give them a chance, and if they slip up, give them a warning or just feel free to get up and leave without any guilt. It’s not you, it’s them.
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