Ask Ellie: How do I win back a friend I lost because of stuff?

[cereta]

Q: I’m a man who grew up with very close buddies. At 41, I’ve had some friends for over 30 years. But recently I lost one of my longest friendships.

I hadn’t seen this guy for a couple of months. We’d had a minor incident when his daughter and mine competed over a role in a school play. I thought they’d got over it.

But when I recently saw him at a school event and greeted him heartily, he said that he’d lost his job, then turned away.

I immediately texted him that I hadn’t heard and wanted to help … e.g., through contacts I have. He didn’t respond.

I feel terribly about his silence. How do I regain our friendship?
Cut Off

A: Though you mean well, the solution must be about him, not you, especially since you didn’t recognize the impact of the schoolgirls’ disagreement.

Work your contacts privately. If you find someone who can help your friend, let that person initiate it. That’s the sincerest outreach of all. Your friendship may heal over time. Don’t push it.

Comments

[cimorene]

The analysis of the situation and their plausible character faults is right on, but this story just strikes me overall as suspicious. Maybe it was the editing, but it seems really missing reasons. It's not IMPOSSIBLE that there's been nothing else out of the ordinary that could give LW a clue why his friend is mad at him, but it is definitely unlikely. And this kind of vagueness is usually covering up something, I think.

[xenacryst]

Yeah, I feel like there is a good possibility that there is other stuff besides the stuff he mentioned.

Perhaps I am hung up on stuff...

[lilysea]

The analysis of the situation and their plausible character faults is right on, but this story just strikes me overall as suspicious. Maybe it was the editing, but it seems really missing reasons. It's not IMPOSSIBLE that there's been nothing else out of the ordinary that could give LW a clue why his friend is mad at him, but it is definitely unlikely. And this kind of vagueness is usually covering up something, I think.

It's rare, but it does happen.

I had lunch with a friend a few years ago, it was a pleasant and enjoyable lunch talking about lighthearted/upbeat topics, she lent me some books that were very special to her.

And then she never answered the phone again when I called her - I just kept getting her answering machine, and she never called me back.

To this day, I genuinely have no idea why. We hadn't had any friction or tension whatsoever that I was aware of!

[At first I thought it was that she was having a Depressive episode, but after I learned from mutual friends that she'd been socialising with them, I figured that wasn't it.]