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Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m a 15-year-old girl and had always been an only child until March of this year, when my parents legally adopted their goddaughter after her parents died in an accident. I love “Abby” and have known her since we were tiny, though she lived far away for a long time. Now she’s living with us and we call each other sisters. She’s obviously been in a terrible place emotionally and struggling with grief, but she’s said a few times that she has found happiness here despite everything and that she loves having a big sister (she’s 13). We’re looking forward to Christmas and my parents and I want to make it especially special for Abby.
The problem is my grandparents. They really believe in “blood ties” being the most important thing and have not been welcoming to Abby. Abby and I have birthdays close together, and they sent an expensive present for me and not even a card for her, despite my parents having told them that they have two daughters now. They barely talk to Abby when we see them and referred to her as a “guest” in our home until my mom had a huge fight with them about it.
My parents seem good at standing up to them about this stuff, but I don’t know how to deal with it myself. When I went to visit my grandparents recently, my gran kept going on about how she and my grandpa were desperate to spoil me because they “just know I’m not getting the attention I need at home anymore.” When I said it was fine (my parents still give me plenty of time and we honestly get on great), my grandpa acted like I was “putting a brave face” on things while my gran kept saying how important it was that I got to come to their place and have my own space again. She then made a comment on something I was wearing, noting that it was a lot like a style Abby wears, and asked if I was trying to dress up like her to get my parents’ attention. I’m not! It was just a cute top! I had no idea what to say and just kept trying to change the subject.
I don’t think I’m handling them right, but I don’t know what to do. They keep giving me “secret” presents now because they think my parents will “kick off again” if they find out because they “don’t care about their own daughter anymore.” I find this all really upsetting and confusing, and I don’t know what to do with the gifts because they really press them on me. Sometimes it’s money. I want to split it with Abby and go shopping but I also don’t want to hurt her more by revealing all this stuff my grandparents are giving me while deliberately excluding her. My mom and dad have a lot going on right now, and I’m worried that by telling them about this, it’ll start a huge fight and possibly make Abby feel even worse—she got upset last time she realized there was a fight with my grandparents over her. What should I do? Is there something I can say to my grandparents that will make them stop doing this?
—Torn Granddaughter
Dear Torn Granddaughter,
I am so sorry to hear that your grandparents don’t seem to appreciate what an important thing that both you and your parents have done by bringing Abby into your hearts. Unfortunately, they are acting immature and unreasonable, instead of saluting you guys and working to embrace their new grandchild. It’s too much for you to have to bear that on your own and have to worry about hiding gifts from your parents or Abby; furthermore, your grandparents shouldn’t have placed you in such an awkward position in the first place. I think you should talk to your parents about what is going on. There’s no need for Abby to have to hear about it, but the adults here need to have a serious talk, and your parents may need to make a decision about how they choose to engage with this set of grandparents going forward. Until they accept Abby as part of your family, it may be the case that you’ll need to spend some time apart. I know you don’t want to start a fight between them, but your grandparents are going out of their way to disparage your parents’ ability to make decisions for their household and seemingly trying to get you to see their way of looking at things. This is a bad situation that will likely only get worse unless you tell the truth. Don’t carry this burden; you shouldn’t have to. Keep focusing on being a great big sister, and friend, to Abby instead. Hopefully your grandparents will come along sooner rather than later.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2021/12/school-laptop-discovery-care-and-feeding.html
I’m a 15-year-old girl and had always been an only child until March of this year, when my parents legally adopted their goddaughter after her parents died in an accident. I love “Abby” and have known her since we were tiny, though she lived far away for a long time. Now she’s living with us and we call each other sisters. She’s obviously been in a terrible place emotionally and struggling with grief, but she’s said a few times that she has found happiness here despite everything and that she loves having a big sister (she’s 13). We’re looking forward to Christmas and my parents and I want to make it especially special for Abby.
The problem is my grandparents. They really believe in “blood ties” being the most important thing and have not been welcoming to Abby. Abby and I have birthdays close together, and they sent an expensive present for me and not even a card for her, despite my parents having told them that they have two daughters now. They barely talk to Abby when we see them and referred to her as a “guest” in our home until my mom had a huge fight with them about it.
My parents seem good at standing up to them about this stuff, but I don’t know how to deal with it myself. When I went to visit my grandparents recently, my gran kept going on about how she and my grandpa were desperate to spoil me because they “just know I’m not getting the attention I need at home anymore.” When I said it was fine (my parents still give me plenty of time and we honestly get on great), my grandpa acted like I was “putting a brave face” on things while my gran kept saying how important it was that I got to come to their place and have my own space again. She then made a comment on something I was wearing, noting that it was a lot like a style Abby wears, and asked if I was trying to dress up like her to get my parents’ attention. I’m not! It was just a cute top! I had no idea what to say and just kept trying to change the subject.
I don’t think I’m handling them right, but I don’t know what to do. They keep giving me “secret” presents now because they think my parents will “kick off again” if they find out because they “don’t care about their own daughter anymore.” I find this all really upsetting and confusing, and I don’t know what to do with the gifts because they really press them on me. Sometimes it’s money. I want to split it with Abby and go shopping but I also don’t want to hurt her more by revealing all this stuff my grandparents are giving me while deliberately excluding her. My mom and dad have a lot going on right now, and I’m worried that by telling them about this, it’ll start a huge fight and possibly make Abby feel even worse—she got upset last time she realized there was a fight with my grandparents over her. What should I do? Is there something I can say to my grandparents that will make them stop doing this?
—Torn Granddaughter
Dear Torn Granddaughter,
I am so sorry to hear that your grandparents don’t seem to appreciate what an important thing that both you and your parents have done by bringing Abby into your hearts. Unfortunately, they are acting immature and unreasonable, instead of saluting you guys and working to embrace their new grandchild. It’s too much for you to have to bear that on your own and have to worry about hiding gifts from your parents or Abby; furthermore, your grandparents shouldn’t have placed you in such an awkward position in the first place. I think you should talk to your parents about what is going on. There’s no need for Abby to have to hear about it, but the adults here need to have a serious talk, and your parents may need to make a decision about how they choose to engage with this set of grandparents going forward. Until they accept Abby as part of your family, it may be the case that you’ll need to spend some time apart. I know you don’t want to start a fight between them, but your grandparents are going out of their way to disparage your parents’ ability to make decisions for their household and seemingly trying to get you to see their way of looking at things. This is a bad situation that will likely only get worse unless you tell the truth. Don’t carry this burden; you shouldn’t have to. Keep focusing on being a great big sister, and friend, to Abby instead. Hopefully your grandparents will come along sooner rather than later.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2021/12/school-laptop-discovery-care-and-feeding.html
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