Dear Prudence: My Gym Freak Husband Won’t Stop Criticizing My Body

[minoanmiss]

Pregnancy changed my weight a little, but this feels cruel.

I am a person who has a myriad of physical issues starting with migraine, vertigo, thyroiditis, mild OCD, ASD, and the occasional aches and pains that come along with age. I am not fit as I would like to be, but I cycle five days a week and do plenty of other chores around the house, all the while managing our toddler and my own work. None of this seems to be enough for my husband, however, who I have been married to for over five years. He is a gym freak and is borderline hypochondriac, although he refuses to acknowledge it. He is obviously muscular and fit and takes on at least 40 percent of the parenting duties.

My issue is this: He is constantly telling me I need to make time to get “fitter” (i.e., reduce weight). I have argued with him; tried explaining to him how slow my metabolism is and has been throughout my life, especially with my thyroid medication; I have begged him to stop hounding me; I have yelled at him. I have tried everything under the sun, including going to couples therapy (for some unresolved grief issues). Nothing has helped. I feel like I am being judged ridiculously with no merit and given absolutely no appreciation whatsoever for the effort I constantly put in. Yes, pregnancy has changed my body and my weight, but I only went up 15 pounds. He makes it seem like I am a beached whale. He looks at me disapprovingly when I am undressing and asks, is this fat or excess skin from the pregnancy?

I am defeated and hopelessly lost within myself. I have my own issues that I am tackling every minute of every day, and I don’t know how to handle this too. If I say I am getting a headache, his face completely changes and he immediately starts whining like a kid: When will you ever not have pain in your body? Every day it’s something or the other with you. I have tried to tell him I am human and every human has pain, but that’s not enough. He, on the other hand, will go to the doctor if he has a zit on his face lest it be a cancerous tumor. Help me explain to him one more time or at least help me deal with this so I can live with him without letting this get the better of me. Divorce or separation is not an option because I still do love him. He is an excellent father and dare I say a very responsible and loving person in general, except for this one issue. We almost never argue about anything else, and he is very attentive to all my other needs. Weight loss is like kryptonite to him.

—Fat as Hell

Dear Fat as Hell,

You say “Divorce or separation is not an option because I still do love him” and, well, the fact that you’ve already decided you don’t deserve better is probably part of why he refuses to treat you better. That and the fact that he’s a vicious, insensitive, hateful, fatphobic monster. Replace the time you spent in couples therapy with individual therapy. Specifically, look for someone who advertises that they’re familiar with the concept of health at every size. You can tell yourself it’s to help you figure out how to be happier in this relationship if that’s what it takes to get started, but I hope you ultimately develop enough perspective and respect for yourself that you no longer find it appealing to be married to someone who intentionally hurts you.

Comments

[lemonsharks]

Fun fact: poisoning via inhaled ricin, although dangerous to administer, has all the same symptoms as death by covid. And you can get enough castor beans from the local garden center to remove the entire man.

[jadelennox]

ooh, I always love getting gardening tips! ☠

[conuly]

But don't they test for covid nowadays?