A friendly palate-cleanser

[conuly]

By which I mean that the question does not make me angry/sad/worried.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a 51-year-old cis woman with a unique name that is easily and consistently confused with a male name. This has resulted in countless incidents, from minor inconveniences to combative confrontations. I am a CEO, and people usually get very uncomfortable when they realize that they have "misgendered" me.

I have noticed that a lot of people have started to include their chosen pronouns in their email signature lines or other correspondence. I thought this might be an easy and painless way to "announce" my gender.

However, I am somewhat uncomfortable doing so. I feel like I am using an important issue affecting many vulnerable people and co-opting it to solve my stupid personal issue. My questions are:

1. How do I indicate my name and/or gender in a way that is not obnoxious, and that will minimize incidents where people call me by the wrong name or wrong gender (either by email or in person)?

2. Is it morally acceptable for me to list my preferred pronouns in my email or signature lines? And if it's not going to be effective, should I even try?

GENTLE READER: The simplest solution seems to Miss Manners to be to use "Ms." or "Mrs." in parentheses before your name in your correspondence.

As for using, or not using, a separate pronoun line, Miss Manners is in the etiquette, not the morals, business. But she observes that the world is a better place when people do the right thing for the wrong reasons than when they do the wrong thing for the right reasons.

https://www.uexpress.com/life/miss-manners/2021/11/11

Comments

[conuly]

The only real quibble I have with the advice is that, of course, not everybody uses a gendered courtesy title and also, the more we normalize listing pronouns the more normal it is. LW would only be benefiting non-cis people by doing it for the simple pragmatic reason of "Yo, nobody ever gets it right".

I suppose she might lose a few customers, but does she really want those customers?

[cereta]

The "Mrs" or "Ms" is just going to end up othering women even more, because men won't have to do the same. Also, it doesn't help someone whose title is "Dr." or "Prof." or "Judge."

Cis people putting pronouns after their name, OTOH, helps reduce the othering of trans*/non-binary people, since it can't be assumed that someone who includes their pronouns is not cis.

[ioplokon]

hm. so generally, i think whoever would like to put their pronouns in their email signature or elsewhere should do so but... LW being the CEO makes it a bit of a bigger deal, imo. I would say that if she wants to put her pronouns in her email signature, her company should actually have a good track record of supporting and welcoming trans and nonbinary people (incl. medical benefits that support transition).

I mean, every CEO should work to make sure this is the case, and it seems like LW is already sensitive to these issues, which hopefully has translated to her already doing these things at her company. But if the company's encouraging people to list pronouns, I think the leadership should make the extra effort to make sure that people with nonbinary or unexpected pronouns aren't disadvantaged.

Basically, I think the CEO listing her pronouns in the email signature implies that the workplace is/strives to be trans & nonbinary friendly so, like, try to make sure that is actually the case (bc disclosing pronouns does not achieve this in & of itself). Considering how much hostility LW faces when people find out she's a woman, it seems like this industry is hostile to people who don't Fit expectations - how can LW make her company the exception to that?

[lannamichaels]

If I could have a .sig file on Ask A Manager, it would be "yes, cis people putting their pronouns is a GOOD THING ACTUALLY... just don't make me put mine". So I guess I need that for Miss Manners, too.

[shirou]

Some people have names that aren't specific to only one gender, e.g., Alex, Taylor. I am a cis-man, and my name is explicitly male in my language, but some English-speakers won't recognize the affiliation. There are plenty of good reasons to include pronouns in an email signature in addition to normalizing the practice for trans people—which, of course, is also a good reason. Go for it, LW.