A friendly palate-cleanser

[conuly]

By which I mean that the question does not make me angry/sad/worried.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a 51-year-old cis woman with a unique name that is easily and consistently confused with a male name. This has resulted in countless incidents, from minor inconveniences to combative confrontations. I am a CEO, and people usually get very uncomfortable when they realize that they have "misgendered" me.

I have noticed that a lot of people have started to include their chosen pronouns in their email signature lines or other correspondence. I thought this might be an easy and painless way to "announce" my gender.

However, I am somewhat uncomfortable doing so. I feel like I am using an important issue affecting many vulnerable people and co-opting it to solve my stupid personal issue. My questions are:

1. How do I indicate my name and/or gender in a way that is not obnoxious, and that will minimize incidents where people call me by the wrong name or wrong gender (either by email or in person)?

2. Is it morally acceptable for me to list my preferred pronouns in my email or signature lines? And if it's not going to be effective, should I even try?

GENTLE READER: The simplest solution seems to Miss Manners to be to use "Ms." or "Mrs." in parentheses before your name in your correspondence.

As for using, or not using, a separate pronoun line, Miss Manners is in the etiquette, not the morals, business. But she observes that the world is a better place when people do the right thing for the wrong reasons than when they do the wrong thing for the right reasons.

https://www.uexpress.com/life/miss-manners/2021/11/11

Comments

[ioplokon]

hm. so generally, i think whoever would like to put their pronouns in their email signature or elsewhere should do so but... LW being the CEO makes it a bit of a bigger deal, imo. I would say that if she wants to put her pronouns in her email signature, her company should actually have a good track record of supporting and welcoming trans and nonbinary people (incl. medical benefits that support transition).

I mean, every CEO should work to make sure this is the case, and it seems like LW is already sensitive to these issues, which hopefully has translated to her already doing these things at her company. But if the company's encouraging people to list pronouns, I think the leadership should make the extra effort to make sure that people with nonbinary or unexpected pronouns aren't disadvantaged.

Basically, I think the CEO listing her pronouns in the email signature implies that the workplace is/strives to be trans & nonbinary friendly so, like, try to make sure that is actually the case (bc disclosing pronouns does not achieve this in & of itself). Considering how much hostility LW faces when people find out she's a woman, it seems like this industry is hostile to people who don't Fit expectations - how can LW make her company the exception to that?

[kindkit]

I see your point, but also, as a trans person, I feel very strongly that asking people to use your correct pronouns does not have to be earned. This applies to cis people as well as trans and nonbinary ones.

She should be thinking about whether her business is as safe as possible for trans and nonbinary people, but that's because every boss should be doing that. Being so frequently misgendered should hopefully give her a little more understanding and motivation.

Having said that, there are a lot of companies and organizations whose trans/NB inclusivity goes no further than pronouns in email signatures, and it's disgusting. But I think it's useful to distinguish between her personal need to be gendered correctly (which doesn't have to be earned) and claiming to be an ally or to have an inclusive workplace (which does).

[ioplokon]

Yes, thank you for this precision! I think this what I was trying to articulate about like her rights as a person vs her responsibility as CEO. But I think w/ the subject of the letter, I got too tangled up in the signature thing.