A friendly palate-cleanser

[conuly]

By which I mean that the question does not make me angry/sad/worried.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a 51-year-old cis woman with a unique name that is easily and consistently confused with a male name. This has resulted in countless incidents, from minor inconveniences to combative confrontations. I am a CEO, and people usually get very uncomfortable when they realize that they have "misgendered" me.

I have noticed that a lot of people have started to include their chosen pronouns in their email signature lines or other correspondence. I thought this might be an easy and painless way to "announce" my gender.

However, I am somewhat uncomfortable doing so. I feel like I am using an important issue affecting many vulnerable people and co-opting it to solve my stupid personal issue. My questions are:

1. How do I indicate my name and/or gender in a way that is not obnoxious, and that will minimize incidents where people call me by the wrong name or wrong gender (either by email or in person)?

2. Is it morally acceptable for me to list my preferred pronouns in my email or signature lines? And if it's not going to be effective, should I even try?

GENTLE READER: The simplest solution seems to Miss Manners to be to use "Ms." or "Mrs." in parentheses before your name in your correspondence.

As for using, or not using, a separate pronoun line, Miss Manners is in the etiquette, not the morals, business. But she observes that the world is a better place when people do the right thing for the wrong reasons than when they do the wrong thing for the right reasons.

https://www.uexpress.com/life/miss-manners/2021/11/11

Comments

[cereta]

The "Mrs" or "Ms" is just going to end up othering women even more, because men won't have to do the same. Also, it doesn't help someone whose title is "Dr." or "Prof." or "Judge."

Cis people putting pronouns after their name, OTOH, helps reduce the othering of trans*/non-binary people, since it can't be assumed that someone who includes their pronouns is not cis.

[rmc28]

I feel that this LW's case is exactly one where specifying pronouns is appropriate: people often get it wrong, the gender they "expect" to go with the name isn't the right one.

I started adding my pronouns after going to Worldcon 2019, where there were pronoun badges, because I realised just how many names of people there were from cultures I didn't know well enough to know what gender was "expected" to go with the name. As I work in an organisation with people from many different countries, many of whom we initially and maybe only communicate with by email, normalising pronouns for everyone can avoid lots of embarrassments. (Not to mention all the people called Chris, Alex, Sam, Ali, etc which even in anglocentric heteronormative environments don't immediately offer a clue to gender)

Short version: LW isn't co-opting a solution she "shouldn't" use, she would be doing everyone a favour by making her pronouns explicit

[lemonsharks]

Not to mention all the people called Chris, Alex, Sam, Ali, etc which even in anglocentric heteronormative environments don't immediately offer a clue to gender)

"short for Alison? Short for Alison (male)? Not short for Ali (successor to Mohammed)? Who knows! Not me!"

[jadelennox]

100% agreed on all counts. And also it's weird, because Miss Manners was the person from whom I learned that "Ms." is not a replacement for "Miss," and offering "Ms." and "Mrs." as choices implies that Ms. is just a feminist way to indicate an unmarried woman, and not a courtesy title for women that doesn't tell you marital status. Is someone else writing her answers these days?

[ermingarden]

Agreed! In Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, she says that "'Mrs.' with a lady's first name is always incorrect" (p. 809 in the Kindle edition) – and the whole issue arose because of the LW's first name! Of course, Miss Manners does always note that if someone expresses a preference for, e.g., "Mrs." in all circumstances, that should be honored even if it's not technically correct. But I was surprised to see her seemingly giving the imprimatur to "Mrs." with the woman's first name, especially when "Ms." is so standard in a business environment.

[ermingarden]

Because I realize that phrasing might be a little confusing:
Suppose John Doe marries Jane Smith. Jane can be properly addressed (according to Miss Manners, at least as of 2005) as "Mrs. John Doe," "Ms. Jane Doe," or "Ms. Jane Smith," but not "Mrs. Jane Doe" or "Mrs. Jane Smith."

[cimorene]

The original Miss Manners is, I think, retired or dead, and the job is now done by... maybe a daughter?

[jadelennox]

That makes sense. Hmm, wikipedia says she's alive (yay) and 83, so I guess she deserves to retire.

I'm older now and have learned better how to make my own judgements (and learned where she's wrong), but in my 20s I credit Judith Martin for enabling the heavy lifting work of me turning myself into a person and a functioning member of society.

[lannamichaels]

The "Mrs" or "Ms" is just going to end up othering women even more, because men won't have to do the same.

FWIW, I've seen the Mr. added to names like Kim, Ashley, etc. I think that was even my first and only exposure for a long time. Then I saw Ms. added to names that seemed ambiguous. And now I'm starting to see pronouns for non-ambiguos names. All this in work correspondance.