Ask a Manager: my boss told me not to give greeting cards to older men because it could seem sexual

[minoanmiss]

This happened back in April, but I’m talking about it now because a coworker brought attention to it.

I’m a female junior employee in my early twenties who just graduated with my bachelor’s last year. My manager at my office job is in his fifties. This past April, I gave Easter cards to the coworkers I’m close to. My manager had been off on a business trip that day, so I had left the card on his desk.

That following Monday, he returned the card to me and told me privately that he appreciated the card, especially since people my age never send cards anymore. However, he told me that although he knew my intentions were pure, it unfortunately comes across as unprofessional when a young woman like me gives a greeting card or personal note unrelated to work to an older man in a higher position like him. He explained that the greeting card could become a liability for his career because others could assume that the card has sexual intentions, or people could assume that if I got a promotion in the future, it was only because I was exceptionally nice to him. He told me, “Unfortunately, the world is crazy these days, and even though you have a heart of gold, nobody else has one. It’s just what needs to be assumed in the professional world.”

It felt really weird to hear that at the time, especially since there was nothing sexual hinted at in the card at all (especially since I had written that I hoped he would enjoy his Easter with his wife and kids). However, I apologized to him because I figured that it’s true that anybody could misconstrue the meaning of the card, and I guessed that there was still a lot of office etiquette that I had to learn, including this.

Now move forward to this week. I’m chatting with another female coworker and an older male coworker. The conversation led to greeting cards, and the older male coworker mentioned the card I had made for him back at Easter. I said that I was glad he liked it and that I wish I could give him more. Both of them looked confused and asked me why I couldn’t make another one.

I was confused because, again, I thought this was just some normal part of office etiquette. I told them that it would be weird for me to give a card to the older male coworker. I eventually repeated what my manager had told me, and they both looked at me like I had a dead rat on my head. The male coworker said that my manager sounded really inappropriate and strange for saying that, and my female coworker added that it was gross. They both told me that there was nothing wrong with my greeting cards and that what my manager said was wrong.

This whole ordeal has left me extremely confused. Have I actually done anything inappropriate here? I tried googling what I could online, but every result I get talks about unrelated topics like “when I should I send a thank you card instead of a thank you email” or it’s someone selling funny work-inappropriate cards. Did I do anything wrong?


What on earth.

No, you did not do anything wrong.

Your manager made this gross.

Giving a greeting card to a colleague — even an older, opposite-sex colleague — is not inappropriate. People do it all the time.

For your boss to suggest that it could be misconstrued is bizarre. For him to suggest that it could be seen in a sexual light — especially when you wrote you hoped he’d enjoy his holiday with his wife and kids! — is more than bizarre; it suggests that he has really out-of-touch ideas about how men and women should relate at work. It also suggests that he might find normal non-sexual interactions to be sexually charged, and that he might be the problem he is worried about.

Your female coworker found his response gross because it is gross; he’s sexualizing a wholesome interaction and making you feel like he and others will see you as Sexually Available Young Woman more than they see you as a normal colleague.

His reaction is similar to people who worry about men and women having work lunches together or going on business trips together. It means, unfortunately, that you’ll need to be very attuned to whether he interacts with you differently than he does your male coworkers, and whether you miss out on professional opportunities because of it.

For the record: giving your coworkers cards is not inappropriate. (I would stay away from Easter cards, though — not because Easter cards signal you’re looking for some kind of sexual bacchanalia, but because it’s a specifically religious holiday and not really a secular work thing, although I realize you might be in an area of the country where it’s treated differently. But that’s totally different than what your boss was saying.)

Your boss is the one who made this weird, not you.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

As someone who likes giving my coworkers cards, this letter caught my eye (and my ire).

My favorite comment: Jaydee*
August 31, 2021 at 12:46 pm

Generally speaking, these are men who see women primarily as objects of sexual desire and not as multi-faceted, unique, full human beings with a range of personalities, interests, talents, experiences, etc.

Keep in mind, they aren’t necessarily thinking of these women as the objects of *their own* sexual desire directly, so the thought process might not be “she’s hot; I wonder if she’d sleep with me.” They may honestly not believe they objectify women this way because they’re happily married/partnered; that woman is unattractive/not their type; that woman is young enough to be their daughter or granddaughter; etc.

Their objectification may come off more paternalistic or gossipy depending on the situation. But they’re going to read a sexual undercurrent into interactions between men and woman or a sexual purpose into women’s actions because that’s their primary understanding of what women are for.


Also, if anyone would like to join me at 5 PM EST in focusing the power of our minds to ignite commenter James B, I would appreciate it.

[delight]

Damn, I didn't see this until 5:49.

[minoanmiss]

I suspect there will be other people we need to set afire.

[sathari]

*joined you at 5PM EST for the conflagration*

Seriously, setting aside the gross blatant misogyny, James B-as-in-brochette's suggestion of giving cards to everyone like we're all back in grade school and aren't allowed to be honest with each other about who we work best/most closely with, would not even have addressed the problem LW wrote in about, at least not depending on the size and demographics of the org. LW's boss either had problems with LW giving him specifically a card, or else with her giving cards to any older men who are senior in the company to her. If anything, her giving cards to other older men with seniority in the company probably would have gotten an even creepier speech out of her boss.

[minoanmiss]

B-as-in-brochette, BWEE, I giggled so much.

[sathari]

Oh, I'm so glad--- because I cackled out loud at your invitation to set him on fire with the powers of our minds! Best laugh I'd had in months! :D :D :D :D

[purlewe]

I saw this one and wondered how people would react.

I only give out a card with cookies at the end of the year. I like baking. And I figure it is close to many different types of parties that if you wanted to you could take the cookies instead of making something yourself. I give a annual end of year card with it and call it a gift to my coworkers, who do not have to gift anything back.

Am I the only one who does this? yes. *shrug* But if I found out my boss felt the way her boss did I would ONLY give them to friends at work, and not my coworkers. That way it was clearly a friend thing, not a coworker thing.

[minoanmiss]

heh, a couple of commenters said to do the opposite. In fact, James B, whom we will be setting on fire at 5 PM, said that Boss's scolding was entirely because LW gave cards to her friends and not to everyone, and had nothing to do with sex whatsopever, and that LW is the one in the wrong here. (Did I mention we're setting him on fire with the power of our minds at 5 PM?)

[purlewe]

28 minutes and counting to set fire to James B

[conuly]

...but he explicitly MENTIONED sex!!

[minoanmiss]

We're all interrogating the text from the wrong perspective. Only James with his cool masculine logic can tell us what is really going on.

(12 minutes to setting fire to James B.)

[feldman]

[toasts a marshmallow, bc a hotdog would be too sexual]

[beable]

Comment win!

[minoanmiss]

I just laughed so hard omg. bwee.

[purlewe]

BEST ANSWER

[purlewe]

I think bc I only have 3 coworkers, it would be REALLY obvious if I didn't give to one of them but to the others. or if I gave to my friends in the firm, but not them. I figure 3 is fine. I can do all 3. I make it look really professional like it was a gift box. In fact one year my boss asked me where I got them and I said I made them and she was surprised bc "it looked so professional"

[minoanmiss]

Three is definitely manageable. :)

[purlewe]

And would look odd if I left one out. So I give all 3 a small present once a year. And it's no skin off my nose.

[jadelennox]

I'm glad AAM said the thing about Easter cards, because that part I did agree was inappropriate, unless the office is explicitly a Christian organization.

[minoanmiss]

Yes indeedy. (Someone commented something along the lines of "An Easter card is inappropriate due to being a religious holiday but unless the bunny was in lingere this is not sexual.")

[xenacryst]

Hi, 1950 called. They'd like their "benign" sexism back, and I, for one, would be more than happy to send it.

[swingandswirl]

Does OP work for Mike Pence, perchance?

[minoanmiss]

Ahahha more than one person asked as much.

[mirlacca]

Okay, I'm old, so maybe I'm out of touch on this, but: There's a difference between giving a card to a manager (who is in charge of evaluations, raises, etc) and giving cards to co-workers who are not managers. Where I worked, members of a work group might give their manager a group card, signed by everyone, but individuals would not give managers cards (and heaven forfend, gifts). And if someone gives co-workers cards, it's probably a good plan to make sure that unless it's a unique occasion such as giving birth to a baby, every person should be treated the same way. One person gets a card, everybody gets a card (and circulate one everyone can sign for the boss!)

[mirlacca]

I should add that I can also appreciate the boss's concern about appearances and sexual implications--but then, when I started work at my career company, my boss's boss was notorious for getting drunk at holiday parties and coming back to the office and trying to kiss every woman he could find. And not all companies have gotten past that mindset, especially those who still haven't promoted a lot of women.

[minoanmiss]

... really? Nowadays?

When I worked at a high school I had about 30 coworkers between the teachers and administrators. I print up my own holiday season cards (postcards, actually) so I gave one to each coworker, including my direct supervisor and the headmaster. I am really not convinced that this could possibly have been taken as a sexual innuendo from me towards either my boss (I had several there, some female, some male) or the head of school (two total, both male).

Now I have 5 coworkers because I work for a startup, and all of them are younger than me. I would be shocked and mystified if any of them thought my cards were any kind of sexual invitation whatsoever. I really don't see any reason to think so in 2021 (or 2020).

[mirlacca]

Well, I did mention I was ancient. I think?

I don't see a problem with it when you're giving cards to everyone. And it would be very nice to think things have changed. But back in the day--and in large companies, the male patriarchy is usually old enough that "back in the day" is THEIR day--almost anything could be interpreted as an invitation, and often was. Particularly when hierarchy and power imbalances were very much women-on-the-bottom-rung. So if an older male manager is hesitant to accept something from a female subordinate, I can see why.