Care & Feeding: My Son Won't Forgive Me For My Misguided Advice

[minoanmiss]

Ten years ago, our son announced that he was using his engineering degree to enter a teacher-training program. I’m ashamed to share that my wife and I were horrified by this decision. We’d funded his college education with the expectation that he’d be financially independent, and we had no idea if he could make ends meet as a teacher. We begged him to reconsider. We didn’t want him to end up financially insecure the way my wife and I both were when we were kids. Despite our efforts, our son became a teacher and has blossomed in that field. He won multiple teaching awards and now works in school administration; he intends to stay in education forever. He does not make a ton of money, but he certainly makes enough for a quiet life with his fiancée.

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The problem is that he continues to hold on to ill feelings towards us about the way we treated his decision back in 2011. I will freely admit that my wife and I completely mishandled it. Instead of trusting him to make a good decision and asking questions to better understand his reasoning, we completely dominated every conversation and acted as if he wasn’t old enough to make his own decisions. In turn, he reacted with anger (as college students do) and said we were ruining his life. My wife now fears we’ve done permanent damage to the relationship. We’ve both apologized profusely, and our son does say he’s forgiven us and understands where we were coming from, but there is still distance there. He doesn’t talk to us about his teaching accomplishments and has said it’s because he still feels like we’re judging him. I’m heartbroken at the damage we’ve done—but I also feel like I’m being punished for wanting the best for him and choosing the wrong way to express it. I’m starting to get frustrated that he does not seem to be willing to let us repair the relationship. Do you have any ideas on how we address and apologize for the hurt we’ve caused, and move on as a family?

—Father of the Educator

Dear FotE,

I’m sorry to hear about the distance between you and your son; I’m sorry he still feels judged, and I’m sorry you’re so frustrated. But I’m not convinced that you understand what it is you need to be sorry for, which makes me wonder if your profuse apologies have been along the lines of “I’m sorry that you felt we were ruining your life” rather than “I’m sorry, we were utterly wrong, we did not understand that the decision was yours to make, or that wanting you to be a ‘financial success’ was more important to us at the time than your sense of fulfillment and happiness.” You say that you feel as if you’re “being punished for wanting the best for him.” The best what, exactly?

It seems pretty clear that after ten years he is still hurt and angry. He’s not “holding on to” his feelings: he feels them. If you want to make headway here, you are going to have to understand what his feelings are and why he has them—why he had them then, why he still does. If I had to guess, I’d bet that he feels resentful and judged because he feels—deeply—that you equate success with money. This is a message children pick up from their parents all the time, even when there isn’t the sort of outright crisis of values that occurred in your household: they hear their parents’ derisive remarks about other people’s choices of profession; they see how their parents treat people they don’t consider successful. It seems to me that you’ve done nothing up to this point to make clear to your son that you don’t equate money with success. It seems to me that in fact you still don’t see the problem for what it is—that you have confused “success” with earning power, and that you continue to confuse the two.

Is that really what makes a “successful” life? Earning the most money one can? Why? Your son has honorable, meaningful work he loves and is committed to; it seems he has a partner he loves and is committed to. He has a roof over his head and enough to eat and “certainly enough” for the life he is interested in leading. He doesn’t feel the need for anything else. Except perhaps your approval and genuine pride—and your heartfelt acknowledgment that you were wrong. Make sure when you tell him this, you mean it.

Comments

[kiezh]

The whole letter reeks of mealy-mouthed half-apology.

"he continues to hold on to ill feelings"
"as college students do"
"I also feel like I’m being punished for wanting the best for him"
"I’m starting to get frustrated"

As well as the sheer entitlement of "I want a close relationship with my kid, who I behaved terribly to, so he owes me that."

I can't imagine the person who wrote this letter actually having given a heartfelt apology to their son - for the right reasons, with the right expectations (i.e., none). It seems much more likely that they pulled the classic "I *said* I was sorry, it was a long time ago, you're being so immature to hold on to this! But faaaaaaaaamily!"

The columnist gave pretty good advice, I think, though rather than the money thing I would have focused in on "It's HIS life, you treated him like his life belonged to you and you had authority over it, you're still in fact doing that by insisting that he forgive you and forget your past behavior. Back the hell off and look at your entitlement issues. Try to interact with him in a way that isn't about you demanding a specific Child Performance and actually attempt to be a friend."

[conuly]

Yeah.

[minoanmiss]

1) THIS
2) you deserve whatever the columnist got paid
3) I wish I could forward your advice to the LW.